to find beauty

if you told me... (warning: i cry.)

If you had told me a year ago that I'd be planning a wedding now. I would have laughed.

If you had told me that I'd be crying as much as I have since Dave and I started seriously-dating, I wouldn't have believed you either. My idealism would have argued that after years of waiting for my prince to come, I wouldn't be sad. Ever!

I am not sad though, about Dave at least. Being in a relationship. Getting engaged. Planning a wedding. Envisioning a new life ahead:

It's wonderful. I love it. I love the boy. He's wonderful. I am happy.

But it's so freakin' emotional.

When Dave asked my dad for his blessing: I was an emotional mess. Nervous. Excited. Years of father wounds surfacing and hitting my heart like ocean waves on the sand. Relentless. It was so much to take in.

And tears helped me through. Happy tears. Scared tears. Comforting, big soppy wet tears.

It's weird being so happy, so in love, so excited for the future... and so easily able to cry.

I feel like such a girl.

Go figure.

I cried today. A couple times, really. I won't get into all of the causes, except the one that had me crying like a big baby last night, choking my throat and stinging my eyes, and continued to make me cry - if I let myself think about it - today. The same reason I started crying at Gustav's over sausage and cheese fondue with Dave mid-January. The same reason I cried in Dave's car one night months ago.

My cat Elwood.

Goodness. I may cry again.

Here's the deal: I love my cat. Call me Cat Lady until you are blue in the face, but I love my cat. When I was depressed and ready to drive my car into a tree (dark times my college years): I held my cat Emme (Elwood's mama) close to me at night and cried into her fur. She was my comfort. I practically tricked and lied to my college room mates to even get her into our apartment. But I needed a cat. When she died, oh gosh, it was really hard.

But she left me beautiful, mischievious kittens. Four of the five... well, I don't know where they are today. Sometimes one of them, Eddie, miraculously appears. But I still have Elwood. Since May of 2004, Elwood has been my baby.

I know he's a cat. A furball, fleaball. But Since 2004, a lot has happened in my life. I left school, I went back to school 5 years later. I was a nanny for 12 kids (a crazy summer!) I found myself cleaning toilets and doing someone else's laundry: humbling. I filed bankruptcy, after a year or so of desperately working with angry frustrating bill collectors.

I've made wonderful friends. I've found a church I love. I've worked in ministries I love. I went on a mission trip. I fought with friends. I made up with friends. I had my heart broken.

So much and more.

All the time, I had Elwood by my side. Cuddling with me at night. Whining for food. Peeing on my new rugs. But mostly, letting me hold him as I cried or was mad or whatever.

I love my cat. And he's quite attached to me. He's the best cat ever.

And I am facing the reality that when I get married, and when I move out, Elwood can't come with me.

Oh gosh. Don't cry, Cori.

I don't know how to deal with it. Because I love Dave. And I love the life we are planning. I don't want a cat to dictate my life and future. I don't want my cat to out-beat a wonderful man who loves me and wants to marry me. Who also will hold me when I cry and tell me everything will be ok. Not in meows either. But in real words.

But I want Elwood with me damnit. I don't want to leave him at my parents. I don't want someone else feeding him Friskies when he cries really loud or letting him my bedroom window when he scratches at the glass. Oh gosh! What if no one lets him in? What if he cries and cries and no one hears him?

Too late. I am crying again.

Am I being pathetic? This sadness I feel about leaving Elwood hurts so bad. Even if I can still visit him. He's not dying.

I pray that God will give me peace. That I can be okay with not having a cat because I will have a husband. You'd think I wouldn't look at the countdown to my wedding (148 days) and not think of it as the countdown to when I won't have a cat anymore on the end of my bed.

Instead I will have a happy man. Hmmmmm. ;)

I don't want Dave to feel bad either. He loves Elwood too. But where we will be living, Elwood can't come. And where we will be living is where Dave's job is.

Heck, one of the biggest reasons I've lived with parents for the past 6 or so years is because I refused to move without Elwood.

Okay, I know there are way more important things in the world. Like poverty. Earthquakes. Wars. And I am probably being a drama queen.

And I know I love Dave more than my cat.

I just don't know how to not be sad about this new life being cat-less. I don't know if it's even okay for me to write about this, because I don't want anyone to think I am crazy. But this is one thing that is tearing up my heart. And I want to be honest, even at the risk of the Cat Lady name-calling.

If you told me now that in a year, I wouldn't cry at the mention of not having Elwood with me.. I would laugh.

And the laugh might be a good change from the tears.

155 days and no diet coke!

I've been "sober" now for about ten days now. On the 15th of February, I took my last sip of Diet Coke... and oh, it was fantastic.

Not for Lent. Not for health (though its a significant benefit.) But for Dave and for God and the Wedding. You could call it a fast before I walk down the aisle on July 30th.

I know, maybe its a little strange. But I wanted to give up something that I've loved and been addicted to for years and years and say: I don't need it. I only need You... and you.

Now, God's been good because I haven't had one caffeine withdrawal headache! I haven't had ANY caffienated pop! Just some Cherry 7-Up. Lots of tea. One coffee (yum!) Lots of water!

And I've realized maybe I was addicted. Because when do I want a Diet Coke the most? When I am stressed, upset, seeking comfort or a little buzz. Or, well, just about any time at all.

So, I think this sacrifice is a good thing.

And II wonder: can I do this for another 155 days? I miss my Diet Coke.

Yes, I can!

angry conversations with God

Sometimes when God works… it's not-so-mysterious.

Last Monday evening, I found myself with an hour or so to fritter away to my own carefree enjoyment. I set off to the local bookstore to peruse the aisles and find a new addition to the growing piles of books around my bedroom. I found Susan Isaac's "snarky but authentic spiritual memoir," Angry Conversations with God. Or maybe it found me?

It was the last copy on a display table filled with books about religion and spirituality. It stuck out. The title screamed for (my) attention. Angry conversations with God? Is this for real? The inside flap began: "I was raised Lutheran: Bible believing, Jesus-loving Lutheran. But as an adult I tried everything: Pentecostals, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Rock 'n' Roll Slacks for Jesus, Actors for Yahweh. Then I said, 'Screw it' and became a drunk and a slut. Well, a Lutheran slut—I slept with only two guys. Then I got sober and into AA, where they said I could pick whatever god I wanted. But I didn't pick God; God picked me. I've known Him as long as I can remember."

I was hooked. She continued to describe her problems as "middle-class white girls" and hinted at some pokes at the American "churchianity." I was definitely a white girl. (I wore a skirt today and my white legs are a testament to this fact!) And I've been a Christian for as long as I can remember. And I certainly know something about "churchianity."

Dave-Ramsey-Financial-Peace-cautions were pushed aside; I didn't even look at the price. I needed to read this book. This book promised something funny and fresh, and different than the books sitting in the piles. I have been wrestling with intimacy with God. I didn't know what the book would reveal about God and me… but I was willing to give it a go.

I wasn't let down. This book spoke to my soul. She shared her God story with the "snarky but authenticity" the cover promised. She was funny. She was real. The pages flew by. She shared of her frustrations and loneliness as a single woman. I related. She shared her annoyances with church-y phrases like "living life together" and I nodded emphatically. She shared her view of Jesus (wimpy) and God (angry) and I began to wonder about my own view of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit with an intimacy I haven't experienced in a long time. Not since the glory days of Uprising when worship was easy and lovely. I miss those days.

I can't do the book justice and I don't want to ruin it for anyone else who may read it. (Obviously I am recommending it.) So, I am not going to say anything more. Just that when I finished the last chapters, I was sitting at the community table at the local New Seasons grocery store (yes, this is another place I like to "hang") surrounded by others eating and chatting and I was crying. Yeah, I probably looked like a weirdo. But something very real within me was touched by her story.

I spend so much time doing things so other people can know Jesus. This is not bad. The mission of Abundant Life Church is to reach as many people as possible for Jesus Christ. As a staff person and member, this is my objective. I agree with it. I feel extremly honored to be where I am, doing what I get to do.

I think too often in the hustle and bustle of making sure a church event is pulled off, or whatever project I am working on, I forget too easily that before I reach others I need to make sure I am being reached. It's not selfish. It's not rude. It's not irresponsible. It's wise and good. And it's really, really hard for me. I don't know why. I don't know why I am afraid. If Susan's God was angry, mine is distant and hard to please. If Susan's Jesus was wimpy, mine is sad and frustrated with me. Both want a lot from me. They are demanding and exhausting. Yeah, they both love me, but I am their daughter, they have to… right?

Last Friday I was at the church office working on some projects, and I had my Angry Conversations with God book with me. A friend of mine who manages a Christian bookstore had asked I write a little review for his store. I had hoped to put something together for him after I clocked out when the church was quiet. My co-worker Val (who also doubles as my dating mentor, but that's a different story entirely) walks in my office space, sees the book at my desk, and says excitedly, "Oh my goodness Cori! I just watched this woman on KATU this morning! She's hilarious! She is reading from her book at Imago Dei tonight!"

I flipped out. I was so excited. I wanted to meet her, hear her story in her own voice. But then I remembered I had a conflict. I was already booked for a "play night" with a volunteer team from church. Yes, on a Friday night my plans are church-work related. I realized I had to make a decision between doing something I was already committed or something for my own personal, spiritual growth. This was actually a touch decision, and I begrudgingly admit I let my pastor-boss make the call for me.

Going to the book reading was about me and God and where I am in my own spiritual growth journey. I don't feel close to God. I feel neglected and a little angry. Okay, I feel pissed off. (I am not going to get into why here.) I feel tired all the time. I feel a little lost and lonely. I feel like a machine that needs to put things out constantly - workschoolpeoplehomeself - with no thought of how it gets fueled.  I am being a poor provider of my own soul care. And I don't want to be. I want to cry out to Jesus and ask him why the desires of my heart have been forgotten, for help, and I am scared to hear the answers. I don't want to be told I am doing anything wrong. I am stubborn. I don't want the expectations of others to define who I am supposed to be. I don't want to be fueled by the approval of others. I want to be confident and in love with my Creator, but when I cry out to Him my voice squeaks. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. I don't like hearing it. I stumble with my words. I'd rather hide and keep on being busy.

But something tells me, God doesn't mind my squeaks. He wants me to talk to him and cry with him. He sees the potential and passion in me that's good and wants me to see it too. At some point I had scribbled these words by Josh McDowell on a piece of paper and tacked it on my bulletin board: "A healthy self-image is seeing yourself as God sees you-no more and no less." Jesus wants to be my fuel because he isn't judging me—he loves me.

Sigh.

"If God really was good, then I had to let go of every expectation and every grudge. I could no longer defy him or manipulate Him. I might even have to let Him love me (page 224)."

This is obviously a process, and I am not going to solve everything within this post. I want to be honest with others and myself (or try to), and was reminded at the book reading that I need to write these feelings out. It's one of the tools God has given me to learn and grow. Maybe not always on a public blog! But I also believe that when we write for others (like blogs are) we are writing for others to see their own self in our words and experiences. So, I will continue to write.

test 1-2-3 moans and whines and why i am crazy

My life is out-of-control. Well, maybe it just feels that way.

Here's how I know:

Test One: State of the Car

Someone once suggested if you look at the state of your car/bedroom/etc, you can determine your current state of sanity. If you were to look in my car now, its not a pretty sight. I had to pull the seats down to open the trunk last week to tow a new bookshelf for my work-office last week. Upon doing that, the Disaster Area other wise known as the "trunk" opened and spilled into the whole back part of my car. Goodwill donation bags ripped and opened, flooding everywhere old shirts and shoes. Diet Coke can ready to be recyled litter the floor and last semester's text books are somewhere back there... I replaced the a metal file cabinet with the new bookself, so the old file cabinet is now in my car. Annoyingly bouncing around back there as I turn and stop on the streets. The front seat is actually clear, because I drove a friend to the church the other day. Which, of course, was humilating because of the state of the backseat.

Why don't I just clean it up? Well, for starters its too dark by the time I get home. And I haven't been home before 6:30pm in two weeks, most nights its after 9pm. Secondly, its so exhausting just to think about... ugh.

Test Two: My College Grades

So, I haven't really gotten any grades yet but I FEEL so behind. I didn't read the syllabus in time for one of my classes and so I didn't (and still don't) have the text books I need. I am behind in reading, and while I think I am doing okay with the online discussion boards, I know I am not doing my Cori-best. And these classes are so fascinating. I don't want to miss out.

Test Three: My Grouchiness Level (or How I Am Treating Others)

I've had to apologize to co-workers more than once for being grouchy. The lesson "you must be flexible with a good attitude" is being drilled in my head daily-- no, hourly. I think I am treating my family okay. We were laughing together last night about something.. so thats a good sign.

Test Four: How Often I Blog

So, that's an easy one to answer. Just scroll down to the last dates posted. Yep.

Test Five: Basic Personal Maintenance

I showed everyday. Sometimes twice a day. I love showers. This week: I went almost three days without a shower. My hair was awful (hence a hat) and I felt terrible. I need to get a pedicure, because the cold weather makes my feet crack (which hurts) and I don't have time to lotion up. Don't even get me started on Lotion. And I need a haircut. And a visit to the dentist (which frghtens me because dentists usually equal big bills). My neck hurts and I've had two migraines in the last two weeks.

Test Six: Have I seen any of my friends lately?

No, because the are all SUPER busy too! They could write their own crazy lists of whines and moans of how nutty their own lives are as well.

Anyways. Thats all. I have limited time to get what I need done today, and part of me just wants to just nap.

:)

So, tomorrow is my niece's first birthday, so stay tuned for some very cute pictures of the new one-year old!!!

How are you doing?

a reminder to have faith

One of these days, I will get to share the whole sordid story. Maybe by then it won't be sordid but funny and romantic! (my optimism!) But for now, those who read and care: please pray for my heart. For my anxious heart. You know me. You know my weaknesses and my passions. You know I share what's on my mind. Usually here. You also know I am guarded. Protective. Cautious. Pray for these qualities as I am wrestling with old and new struggles of insecurities and trust. and yes, i am dramatic. ;)

The quote on my calendar this month:

faith. waiting in the heart of a seed. promises a miracle of life which it cannot prove at once. - kabir

attitude check

I am feeling overwhelmed with my task list and my life in general. I know it will get done; it always does. I wonder if I am addicted to the chemicals in the brain that are released when stressed out. That would make a lot of sense.

At summer camp when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, the leaders did this thing where they would at any given moment yell "ATTITUDE CHECK!" and we would have to respond "JESUS NUMBER ONE!" I mentioned the story at Uprising Sunday night. Maybe its just fitting time to bring it back-- I may be older, but the lesson is timeless.

So, I am asking myself for an attitude check. Who is this all for? All this work, all the planning and attention to details and phone calls and print jobs? I do it because I love Jesus and I want others to grow closer to Him as well.

ugh!!!

i have a little poem, its not very good, but it goes something like this:

oh the ache in my brain
its such strain, such a pain
having a migraine.

so i think my body is finally demanding me to STOP STOP STOP. crazily enough, i have the whole entire sunday afternoon to rest, relax and recooperate, and i am miserable with an evil migraine (which i have been fighting since Friday)... so i am cuddled on my couch, with Elwood, sipping on progresso soup and saltines and watching lifetime movies and checking my email inbetween short naps.

my goal is to feel better by 6pm so i can go to church and uprising. i have about three hours. hmm. another nap time is due.

tons to do

ugh. there is so much to do and not enough time to do it all! :)

LORD YOU HAVE ALL THE DETAILS!