to find beauty

a stereotypical back-to-the-blogosphere post

Hello? Anyone there?

It's me, Cori. I used to write here. I used to share funny stories about being single and wishing desperately for a husband. I wrote about my cat a lot, too. But then *magic* happened. I met the love of my life and on a chilly January evening (during sunset at the Oregon coast), he pulled a ring out of his pocked and asked me to be his wife. 

We got married. We lived at a homeless shelter. We moved. Our changes jobs changed. And changed. And changed. (Gotta love ministry!)

Marriage is awesome when you are married to your best friend. I learned (a lot about) the world of fake wrestling, discovered extreme couponing, and have logged countless hours playing Facebook games like Sims Social. We are a dual (note: not duel) church family, in that we serve and work for two different churches (of two different denominations, no less!) Our lives continue to spin and whirl before us, leaving precious blank spots in our calendar for friends and family... and well, each other. 

And maybe that's about to change? Maybe it starts with getting back into the saddle of writing to the few and far away. Maybe these next 40 days or so will help that out... Yesterday marked the first day of Lent, and even though I do not attend a church(es?)  that observes Lent in a super-serious way (at least from what I can tell), I've always loved the idea of intentionally choosing to give something up in order to invite Jesus into our heart to challenge, encourage, redeem or convict us... 

However, I am a little "bad" at keeping up with the whole 40 days deal... Blame it on a weak follow-through, even if it is for the Lord of Lords. So, when I read this post, I got pretty excited because even though its for 40 days (or so), it is broken down week-to-week. And each week is different: yee-haw!

 I decided to mutiny.

To put my hands in the air and wave the white flag. I give up. I am burned out and tired. I am drowning in the excesses of trying to do it all and have it all. Of missing friends and family. Of spending more time staring at screens than the sexy brown eyes of my beloved. Tired of tripping on laundry on the floor and piles of papers in the office.... when all I want is to feel freeeeeeeeeee!

I made a couple decisions. One, I am leading a small discipleship group for women. I grow best when I have others around me (according to Monvee, I grow best in the context of relationships.)  I also believe having people over on a weekly basis will force me to have a tidier home. (We'll see about that!) (The irony of adding something to my plate in order to feel less busy, is not lost on me, by the way.)

In my preparation for our first studyto be 'unpacked' tonight and reading over the chapter on Assurance, this verse stuck out at me:

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteosness. 
1 John 1:8-9

Good stuff. I shall conclude this "back-to-the-blogosphere" post with a confession because I wholeheartedly believe that He is faithful, just, and has promised to make all things right:

I need something to change. I want something to change. I profess that something WILL change.

Stay tuned for more rambling and what I may title: 'Mutiny of Excess and Me'.

(Also... I need my wonderfully gifted, handsome husband to help make my blog site look pretty again... hint, hint... so please excuse the boring page.)

listening to the quiet

I am house/dog-sitting this week for a family at my church.

I walk into the house, the "Terriorists" Terriers sniffing me suspiciously, one baring his teeth (the owner says this is his smile), the other looking at me with a cocked face, that seems to be asking "Who are you? Are you going to take us for a walk?" 

I bend down, and pet their gray little bodies, and comfort them. "Hey puppies, remember me? I am here to take care of you!"

[It's totally normal to talk to animals, by the way.]

I set my purse down, and look around... and take a deep breath. The house welcomes me with her beautiful quietness and even with the still continuing canine inspections happening at my feet... I feel the peace.

I was supposed to be at lifegroup in forty minutes. I had just enough time to drop my stuff off, let the puppies pee (outside) and take off. But the quietness has stopped me.

When's the last time you've been alone? Without an agenda. Without homework or someone to talk to about something. When's the last time you wrote... not for school, but to process all the new things in your life?

[It's also not weird to talk to yourself.]

I think It's been a long time.

I am not going to lifegroup tonight, am I, God?

Nope.

I am reminded of two separate conversations that occurred earlier that day. One where  the executive pastor shared at a Directors Meeting the need for people with "Melancholy" personalities to take time to rest. He said Melancholies love being with people - a lot- but they need to be careful  to take a break from people and have alone time too. Time to rest. To contemplate life. To daydream. To breathe.

And then later, I was chatting with the Small Groups Pastor about an upcoming marriage conference. We were watching the "Laugh Your Way to Better Marriage" promotional video... and the speaker talked about men having little boxes in their heads and women having lots of wires all messy and connected. And how men have a favorite box in their head called the Nothing Box, where they really, really like to "go to" often... and think/do nothing at all... much to the women's annoyance.

I didn't hear in the video what the female comparison was to the "Nothing Box"... but I think it's time for us to think, pray, listen to God... listen to the quiet whispers we can't hear when we are stuck in a whirlwind of busyness. It's time to rest and connect with God.

So, that's what I will do tonight, listen to the rain outside and think about all that is going on in my life... thanking God for it all...   that is until 8pm when One Tree Hill comes on.

[Just kidding.]

i have an awesome lifegroup

It's true. My Monday night lifegroup is pretty darn amazing. Me and three other gals who love Jesus and each other.

Kati
Korrin
Kristen

I must have a weird thing with names that start with the same letter. I'm the odd one out with Cori.

Anyways, we decided to serve at the Life Cafe (little coffee shop at Abundant Life Church, open during weekend services) the first Saturday of the month starting in 2009.

I'm a little nervous. Well, I was a little nervous ... before we were officially trained this past Monday.

The nerd I am, I took pictures to document the night!

  

Here's Kristen (blond), Kati (in the Penguin scrubs!) and myself in the back. 

   

We pretended to order our coffee drinks like real people do. (Maybe we're all nerds, not just me?) Kristen ordered a, hmm, I can't remember what kind, blender; Korrin made it for her. I sampled it and It was very delicious whatever it was!

 

That's Kati's foot in the background.

Here's another picture of Kati:

 

I made that caramel latte blender!

 

Here's our amazing leader Korrin workin' the blender!

Korrin made this caramel macchiato!

Anyways...

I learned several very important lessons during this training:

1. Don't touch the steamer nozzle when its doin' its thing. Very hot.
2. White chocolate mochas are pretty much amazing. Oh wait, I knew that already.
3. If you are learning how to make coffee drinks from 7 to 9 pm, do not feel like you need to drink all the yummy drinks you made- you will just go home completely buzzed and unable to sleep until 3am.
4. Serving with your lifegroup is the way to go!

Finally, a grande thank you to Rebecca for training us! ;)

weekend wipe out

Its Monday, Memorial Day, and about five-thirty. Small group begins at seven. My weekend will soon be over.

And, I am wiped out. I fell asleep on my couch this afternoon. I hate doing that because I always wake up in a very awkward position, sore and grouchy. Err. ;)

I considered bailing out of group tonight, but I just finished the chapter for tonight and its too good to miss the group discussion about it. And I hate missing time with the girls.

I might fall asleep in the middle of it though. Yikes. (That would be embarassing.)

I had a fabulous weekend. I went to two weddings, a baby shower, and spent many hours visiting with good friends. I drove a lot. The first wedding was in Beaverton, the second in Puyallup, Wa.  I got to see my friend Kate pregnant and beautiful (with a baby girl.)

At Eric and Chrissy's wedding: me, Melanie and Rachel. Notice how well Melanie and I are matching in our polka-dotted dresses. We are all quite lovely.

Kate and I (at Erin and Donny's wedding) have her husband Reid take a "good picture" of us. Doesn't Kate look beautiful with her preggy belly? Do you recognize my dress? Yes, I went to two weddings in the same weekend and wore the same dress. Lame, eh? I really liked the dress!

I thought a lot. Probably thought too much. Had a discussion with a young woman who works for Planned Parenthood about a woman's right to choose and sex & purity and abortion. I wondered, talking to her, if we were really on opposite sides of the fence, so to speak. She and I talked a lot about the labels and the boxes we put people in. We talked about healthcare for women and how there are so many babies being born that need love. I told her about the baby orphanage in Nicaragua, and how sad it was but good too because these babies were being taken care of... I wondered what my "box" was? What if I am totally against abortion (which I am) but don't think we should take away anyone's right to choose (Which I believe is essential in someone's growth)? I suppose I also hope that the choice "they" make is a wise, informed one and they are prepared for the consequences of either decision... hmm. (Brain is too tired to continue this train of thought!)  I enjoyed talking to this woman, because I felt like neither one of us was judging the other... just two mutual friends of the bride getting to know each other and talking about what they do...

And of course, being surrounded by weddings and married friends all weekend... I had to protect my own heart from getting to that bad place of not being happy with where God has me. Because I am. (Happy, that is.) There's nothing like ONE WEDDING to make your thoughts go down the aisle... but TWO! Goodness! I think I did a decent job this weekend... though it might be why I am so wiped out today. Haha. I am tempted to add to my mental potential husband list (hear that, Lord?), someone who won't mind looking like a fool with me on the dance floor at receptions. (They don't have to be good dancers, just willing to go out there with me!) Dancing at weddings is SO fun!

I listened to a lot of music, in the car mostly. I played the Back to Love song from the Music and Lyrics movie soundtrack about eighty times. The third time I cried. I felt a little ridiculous, but I was alone in the car... so shhh. ;) I listened to a woman of jazz cd, but only listened to the odd numbered songs. Which fortunately included a fav song, At Last, which was also played during the reception. I love that song. Sigh.

I ate terribly. [Somehow I have forgotten what a real meal is, because they are so few and far between. I miss Nicaragua in this regard when I actually ate like a normal person.] May decide this week to go on strict diet of three balanced meals a day. Shocking!

I drank a lot of Starbucks though, which was yummy. Discovered I love the BK Joe Mocha drinks (but not the ones from McDonalds. ugh)

Okay, well, must end these rambles and head to small group. And I am hungry. Realizing now as I type about my terrible eating, that I haven't eaten anything "real" all day. Ugh. This is what happens when I talk to a dear friend for three hours on the phone in the morning whom I excited to see this coming weekend! (yes, her and her husband... with my other friend and her husband... spending Friday night together.. anyone see a pattern in my life? Haha!), then lets see I did laundry and other important household tasks before falling asleep in the couch. Hmmm. Sad. Sad. Sad. (Maybe thats why I am tired? Hmmm.)

Okay, no more rambles.

trust [part one]

In my small group, we are reading the book Completely His by Shannon Ethridge... which has been amazing so far... and we are taking turns each week sharing our "testimony."

Tonight is my night.

And I am feeling really anxious.

I have no problem sharing with the girls my life-- they know most of the terrible, not-so-swell things I have in my past... and because of that, the pressure (self-inflicted) is on and I find I must be a little more creative in what I share tonight... perhaps dig a bit deeper than the basic plotline of my life.

Share my heart. Share what God is teaching me now.

And thats where my anxiety comes in, because what God is teaching me now is not-so-fun, not something easy for me to make jokes about... and not something I am necessarily proud to share.

So, because I doubt any of the girls will read this post before group tonight, I am practicing out what I want to share here... its really how I best process my thoughts.

So, here we go.

I have a really hard time trusting people. I have great expectations. I am extremely impatient. I like things done a certain way (usually on my timing.)

Yep, thats it. Shocking, eh?

(I am really not a terrible person.)

Not being able to trust people has caused me to take on responsibilities that aren't mine to take on and it has caused me to become burned out and depressed and overwhelmed and frustrated and resentful and tired.  (its also led to being called a control freak or a bossy-pants.)

I have been wrestling with how to "fix" this in me for the past three years. I have learned a lot about boundaries (and keeping them), saying no, balance and priorities. I have inundated my head with rules and advice on how to not take on the world, or at least feel like I have to.

But I can't fix me. (at least alone.)

I have surrounded myself with wonderful friends and mentors who hold me accountable to how much I am taking on... I try to do the right things, and trust me when I say that it has not been easy for me!

I have prayed a lot. I love prayer! Hello, I am a total talker and communicator... I love that God is ever-patient with me. I continue to learn so much about trusting God, and each day seriously brings new insight into how much I can trust Him.

I read the "famous trust verse" in Proverbs 3 today: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding [oh, how hard this is!!!]' in all your ways [that means in every, single facet of my life!] submit to Him and He will [note: not "you, Cori, will.."] make your paths straight."

And this is a pretty big light bulb moment, I must tell you... but over these last couple weeks and months God has been revealing to me so many different areas of my life where I have not trusted Him. (and thats the painful part, because I like being right all the time. ;) Haha. I guess I can make jokes.)

And as he reveals to me these icky, not-so-perfect areas in my life where I have tried in my own limited wisdom and weak strength to make them all better... and I see them, I feel their burden.... its difficult to release and surrender them over... because I am so comfortable in holding on to their heaviness and ugliness...

But I can trust Him with it all.

And that is amazing. And freeing. And wonderful. And as I let go... I am finding God is revealing to me so much more about who He made me to be. As I let go of my pride and shame over things, He is revealing to me people in my life that I can trust with helping me work through it.

Eeeks, must get going to group!

to be continued after group tonight...

Panel Revealed, sorta

So, I have an incredible small group. I think thats pretty clear. Something we discuss quite often in the group (after God, the Bible, and how we can pray for each other, of course) is guys. Put ten girls ages from 19-27 together, and its pretty much going to come up. Guaranteed.

After hearing some terrible dating stories, we came up with a fun way for girls to introduce their guys to the group last Spring (when things are looking a little more serious)...  so we can check him out and see if he is worthy of our dear friend. (Unless we already know him, etc.)

We actually had a brave guy say yes to our silly, yet serious invitation... and with enthusiasm!

To be honest, "the Panel" as we have dubbed it... has been a very theoretical concept until tonight...

So, I am keeping what happened at the Panel hush-hush as not to ruin the experience for the next guy... hahaha but I think I can speak for the group in saying "we all approve!"

(Seriously, the girls in my small group are hilarious. They keep me young.)

THE PANEL

Oooooh! It's tonight. The first-ever One Outifit Panel.

What is it, you ask?

Wait and see. We can't share too much... or someone won't be surprised.

the weekend...

I am in the perfect position to write: my room is dark with candles lit and I have worship music playing. Elwood is resting at my feet, as I recline on my loveseat with my laptop atop my handy lap desk given to me by my friend Ang for such occasions...

I don't know how to begin to share what an amazing weekend I just had. I don't know how to express how blessed I feel to have such incredible girls in my small group... how much they made me laugh this weekend... how this weekend we were not only goofy and spent time just playing... but we studied Galations together and talked about our identity in Christ... We encouraged one another...  we shared our hearts with each other.

I sit now, wondering and pondering conversations that were had, words that I spoke... I think of those who weren't able to come and I am sad they missed it.

I also think of the next coming days and weeks and sigh... So much going on and so much to do. Good stuff: the first ever One Outfit Panel (to be clarified about later...), the My Father and I dinner... baby showers and weddings... a possible Scrabble tournament. Maybe.  Lots of driving. Lots of planning to do and...

Smile.

Lots of fun things to think about.

I need a costume... in May?

I am so excited for this weekend! The very cool and fun ladies in my small group and I are going on a weekend adventure together!

We are starting the weekend off by stopping over at Solid Rock Church at The Way for a Phil Wickham concert. [I love, love the song Divine Romance] Then, we will drive to the beach, where we will be staying at one of the girl's grandparent's beach house which is TOTALLY the 70s. Orange shag carpet. Wood walls. Everything about the place screams 70s. We love it.

We will spend Saturday on the beach (hopefully it will be nice!) and doing whatever God has planned for us... Then we are getting DRESSED UP IN COSTUMES and going to Moe's for dinner.

Then, we are going to have a beach bonfire! FUN!

This is my delimma: I need a costume!! The whole dressing up idea came about when one of the girls shared her testimony. During which, she shared about how she loved Halloween. Not because its creepy and such, but because she loves dressing up. She talked about when she comes up with a costume idea and gets really into it... the worst thing in the world is showing up at a party and no one recognizing who you are. You spend time researching the costume, so its recognizable and fun.

She related this to how as Christians, if people didn't recognize us for who we are (people who love Jesus) than whats the point? We need to be recognizable to others.  We talked about this a lot, and I am probably doing little justice to the lesson she gave... (I don't want it to sound like Christians wear costumes that are fake and pretend, because that wasn't the point at all!) ...but the end result was that we all thought it was be super fun to dress up ourselves in a bizarre act of glorifying God by having fun??? Something like that!

So, costume ideas!

Update! So, this is what I came up with! Dr. Cori-Pants!