to find beauty

weekend wipe out

Its Monday, Memorial Day, and about five-thirty. Small group begins at seven. My weekend will soon be over.

And, I am wiped out. I fell asleep on my couch this afternoon. I hate doing that because I always wake up in a very awkward position, sore and grouchy. Err. ;)

I considered bailing out of group tonight, but I just finished the chapter for tonight and its too good to miss the group discussion about it. And I hate missing time with the girls.

I might fall asleep in the middle of it though. Yikes. (That would be embarassing.)

I had a fabulous weekend. I went to two weddings, a baby shower, and spent many hours visiting with good friends. I drove a lot. The first wedding was in Beaverton, the second in Puyallup, Wa.  I got to see my friend Kate pregnant and beautiful (with a baby girl.)

At Eric and Chrissy's wedding: me, Melanie and Rachel. Notice how well Melanie and I are matching in our polka-dotted dresses. We are all quite lovely.

Kate and I (at Erin and Donny's wedding) have her husband Reid take a "good picture" of us. Doesn't Kate look beautiful with her preggy belly? Do you recognize my dress? Yes, I went to two weddings in the same weekend and wore the same dress. Lame, eh? I really liked the dress!

I thought a lot. Probably thought too much. Had a discussion with a young woman who works for Planned Parenthood about a woman's right to choose and sex & purity and abortion. I wondered, talking to her, if we were really on opposite sides of the fence, so to speak. She and I talked a lot about the labels and the boxes we put people in. We talked about healthcare for women and how there are so many babies being born that need love. I told her about the baby orphanage in Nicaragua, and how sad it was but good too because these babies were being taken care of... I wondered what my "box" was? What if I am totally against abortion (which I am) but don't think we should take away anyone's right to choose (Which I believe is essential in someone's growth)? I suppose I also hope that the choice "they" make is a wise, informed one and they are prepared for the consequences of either decision... hmm. (Brain is too tired to continue this train of thought!)  I enjoyed talking to this woman, because I felt like neither one of us was judging the other... just two mutual friends of the bride getting to know each other and talking about what they do...

And of course, being surrounded by weddings and married friends all weekend... I had to protect my own heart from getting to that bad place of not being happy with where God has me. Because I am. (Happy, that is.) There's nothing like ONE WEDDING to make your thoughts go down the aisle... but TWO! Goodness! I think I did a decent job this weekend... though it might be why I am so wiped out today. Haha. I am tempted to add to my mental potential husband list (hear that, Lord?), someone who won't mind looking like a fool with me on the dance floor at receptions. (They don't have to be good dancers, just willing to go out there with me!) Dancing at weddings is SO fun!

I listened to a lot of music, in the car mostly. I played the Back to Love song from the Music and Lyrics movie soundtrack about eighty times. The third time I cried. I felt a little ridiculous, but I was alone in the car... so shhh. ;) I listened to a woman of jazz cd, but only listened to the odd numbered songs. Which fortunately included a fav song, At Last, which was also played during the reception. I love that song. Sigh.

I ate terribly. [Somehow I have forgotten what a real meal is, because they are so few and far between. I miss Nicaragua in this regard when I actually ate like a normal person.] May decide this week to go on strict diet of three balanced meals a day. Shocking!

I drank a lot of Starbucks though, which was yummy. Discovered I love the BK Joe Mocha drinks (but not the ones from McDonalds. ugh)

Okay, well, must end these rambles and head to small group. And I am hungry. Realizing now as I type about my terrible eating, that I haven't eaten anything "real" all day. Ugh. This is what happens when I talk to a dear friend for three hours on the phone in the morning whom I excited to see this coming weekend! (yes, her and her husband... with my other friend and her husband... spending Friday night together.. anyone see a pattern in my life? Haha!), then lets see I did laundry and other important household tasks before falling asleep in the couch. Hmmm. Sad. Sad. Sad. (Maybe thats why I am tired? Hmmm.)

Okay, no more rambles.

From the Mouths of Babes

When I was in Nicaragua, God laid on my heart a piece of my life story to share with kids and their families at La Churecha (the dump). I shared about my relationship with my dad... and my relationship with God the Father and how I spent many years filling a God-sized hole in me with things unsatisfying and it left me empty and sad.

Sharing at the dump was my first time being "translated" ...

me: Good evening. My name is Cori.
translator: Buenos noches. Me llamo Cori.

me: I am happy to be here with you all.
translator: Estoy contento con todos. (Uh, not sure if this is really correct translation.Go with me.)

Immediately I knew the pages and pages I had prepared earlier that day to share had to be tossed aside to something much simplier and shorter! This was going to take hours and hours at this pace! I loved sharing with the group, saying things that made them smile and laugh. Speaking in front of groups used to be a huge fear of mine... but God has been helping me through that fear... and right before I stood before the crowd to share, God gave me another lesson to learn...

So rewind a bit... and I am getting off the bus to arrive at the La Churecha to share my testimony... and when I step off the bus these little trouble-makin' boys welcome me by saying "oooh ella muy largo" ... *makes corresponding hand gestures impling that I am the size of a boat!*  adding, "oooh elefante."

Yeah. Even in Nicaragua little boys can be terrible. So, of course my feelings are hurt and I tell the boys in my stern babysitter voice with my hands on my hips, of course, "Muy Mal! Muy Mal!" They just laughed. Seriously!

So, I went inside and found a chair and thought. And thought some more. And prayed.  Here I was preparing to share with them my heart... and I am battling feelings of worthiness and vanity because of some playful teasing! I felt like I was being attacked, that whatever good I was to share with these people was going to be gobbled up by having negative response to what the little boys had said. I did not come all the way to Nicaragua to be inimidated by some nine-year olds!

And in that moment, my skin thickened and I was stronger. I went up to the front when I was called and in my silly, goofy way told the kids about how when I sad I liked to eat *with hand gestures of me eating* and go shopping... *with hand gestures of me spending money.* It was freeing to not worry what the people were thinking and if they were judging me. I knew who I was and who I am now.

I told this story to Ally, the nine-year old girl I have babysat for years, as I tucked her into bed last night. I wanted her to know that if kids say terrible things to her, about her (cause hello, shes nine! Kids are terrible and will continue to be terrible to each other even if shes awesome!) She needs to look always for the truth and own it. To not let someone's silly names and hurtful words make her feel bad. That she has a choice of accepting what they say as true or dismissing it as lies.

I am not sure how, but we (Ally and I) then started talking about being geeks and nerds after that... can't remember the tie in... but I was explaining to her that geeks can be cool because they know a lot of stuff about things... she then told me that I wasn't a nerdy-geek... that I was too cool and funky. See! Some nine year olds can be RIGHT ON! ;)

Speaking of nerds-geeks-and-dorks... Last November I wrote about being a Dork for God for the Uprising blog. I re-read it the other day, and love the fact that since I wrote it... I now help on the Benevolence team! Crazy how God works!

the most terrifying moment in life so far

So, I have had my terrifying moments.

My attempt to snowboard two years ago. (Hello, I had been on the snowboard for less than fifteen minutes- WAS NOT GOOD ON IT AT ALL- but still found myself on the lift heading towards the the top of the mountain. Fell off the lift, hit my head on the chair. Then proceeded to fall and fall and fall... before even reaching the point where the people start going down. Thank the Lord for the ski lift operator who took pity on me and let me ride it down...)

Memories of the David Douglas swimming pool as a fifth grader with best friend Angela who thought it was hilarious to hold my head underwater after I dove down the deep end. (I still get nervous with deep water swimming pools and of girls named Angela.)

And other moments in life that aren't necessarily terrifying, but are those BIG moments that change your life completely. Learning to drive. (Though this can be argued by my Driver's Ed instructor to be under the "terrifying" category.) Going to my first dance.  Moving away for college. (both times, haha.) Job interviews. The first time I shared my testimony in front of a group. (I threw up in the bushes beforehand. It was during a Memorial Day camping trip with my college group at OSU.)

So, all of that does not even compare to how terrified I was Friday, March 28th while on our "surprise excursion" in Granada (after leaving the "work part" of the trip in Managua).

Ziplining under the jungle canopy of the backwoods of Nicaragua. In the middle of nowhere. High on wooden platforms built around trees probably older the United States. Cables strung between trees, designed and set for the ultimate adventure rush. I was actually pretty excited.

I mean, this is an once in a lifetime opportunity. The jungle was gorgeous. I had my gear on and was feeling alittle nervous, but was waiting for my turn to get hooked to the cable and then weeeeee.

Well. I got hooked on, and the excitement was quickly gone, replaced by sheer fear. What in the world are you doing Cori! If everyone slid across cable wires high in the sky, would you do it too?

Apparently, yes.  I let go and I was on my way and it wasn't too bad... except my hand, which is supposed to be "loose" and not at all tight around the cable, is totally tensing up causing me to brake and slow down until I am like two feet away from the platform and he has to grab my legs and pull me in.

My face was chalk white. One the guides and my soon-to-be new best friend Rafael, asks me if I am okay, and if I would like him to be my guide and he'd go with me next time. I nod my head emphatically. Yes, yes, yes!

So, with Rafael, I take on the next two ziplines with the thrill and woo-hoo-ness my team mates were experiencing. I am standing on the platform with like a dozen other people, and a different guide, not my friend Rafael, removes my safety cable wire and begins to attach it to the fourth zipline.

"Wait!" I can't go alone!" I say with alarm. My eyes wide and pleading. (I am imagining I looked pretty shocked at this moment.)

"Oh you can do it. Here, go!" the loco guide says and pushes me on my way across the cable.

I tense. I am going soo slow. My hand won't relax. I am trying so hard to loosen my grip on the cable, and not brake, but I... just... can't... do... it.

I slow down. Slower, slower, slower.

I stop.

Three-fourths of the way across the wire and my worst fears come true (short of falling off, that is). I am hanging on a cable wire, dangling like a monkey, and there is a moment where I think, "this is it. I am stuck here forever."

Panick kicks in and I grab with both hands the cable and start pulling myself across the wire. I am determined. The guide waiting on the platform yells for me to stop and stay. I listen to him, and watch him as he gets on the cable, moves to where I am, proceeds to WRAP HIS LEGS AROUND MINE, and then with his hands on the cable, thrusts his way up with me in tow up the wire. I have to stay, fears aside, I felt pretty darn awkward at this moment, as I am intertwined with this stranger in air in front of my team in a very compromising (yet lifesaving!) position. Later, I was teased about losing my purity up there. (Not funny!)

[I have one picture of me on the zipline on the last one (scroll down), but, of course, my BIG MOMENT was my resuecue... so I sketched this very lovely picture to capture the moment. Haha. We really do look like monkeys.]

So, I make it to the platform, and I am shaking. I look like a ghost. I can't catch my breath. I allow the guide to lead me to a "safe" corner on the platform, and I just stood there, and cried. I felt so unbelievably stupid. Crying and crying and crying. People passed me and gave me little hugs and asked if I was okay and I just nodded and watched them jump on the next zipline without fear. I knew I still had like seven ziplines to go. I couldn't turn around. There was no ski lift to take me safely down. I had two choices. Keep going or have the guides slowly drop me down somehow (they said it didn't feel good) and then hike down the mountain. Then Rafael found me, and apologized for deserting me and said he wouldn't leave me. That the guide was crazy for not listening to me, and that I wouldn't have to go alone again.

I felt better that I had my guide back. I chose to continue on.

I made it through the ziplines, and while I was still shaky, I really did enjoy flying in the sky... when I had someone with me. My body wasn't as tense. I enjoyed the rush. I was smiling, laughing, yelling out "whooo hoooo" in my loud, excited voice.

At one point I pondered if I should try it alone one more time. See if I could do it. But, I am said to admit, I never did. To be honest, if I had the chance, I would have tried the last zipline alone. But I don't like to live with regrets, what is done, is done.

Here's Rafael and I on the last run. If pictures had audio capabilties, you'd be hearing one heck of a scream!

Once I was back on solid ground, and very, very happy to be on that solid ground. I found my friend Amy (who I decided was the best person to cry on) and just let go again with those tears. I needed to release all that anxiety and emotions.

Later than night, when I found some time to be alone, I thought about the adventure and what God could have been teaching me through all that. I know Kathi (the team leader) wanted it to be about overcoming personal fear... and I agreed that it did that... but I think it taught me something else too.

I learned I need other people. Shocker, I'm sure. But really, so much of my "adult life" (and even before when I just thought I was an adult, haha) I have been very independent, very "I can handle things on my own"... I know I have pushed my parents away from helping me. I know I have pushed friends away from moments where they just wanted to care for me. And I certainly know I have pushed God away in times when my pride was in the away or I was just too afraid to be vulnerable. My pride just gets in the way.

For whatever reason, I couldn't go across the zipline alone without tensing up. But when I was with Rafael, I felt safe and could enjoy the view and the ride. I think God wants to be with me in the scary moments, so rather than me worrying about how to keep things moving... I can enjoy whats around me and where He has me. And, I can't help but think that maybe God was showing me that He didn't make me to do life alone... but that He had someone special for me that would make me feel safe and relaxed so I can let go and just be.

Whatever the case may be...one thing is for sure: whatever outdoes ziplining in nicaragua is going to be one heck of an adventure!

blogged out

I may actually be blogged out. I put in several hours posting pics and writing some stories about Nicaragua today. But I think its time for a break. There are some significant moments I have yet to write, and since I am excited to write them... I think I will save them as a treat for later. As a reminder for myself, and a sneak peak for you... some of the things I would love to share include:

• ziplining under the jungle canopy of the backwoods of Nicaragua.
• shopping in Masaya and Granada
• the miracle of no sunburn (yes, its true!)
• Granada... how it was hard for me to adjust (and when i got peopled out)
• the deadly snakes the boys held at the villa
• how i got bird pooped on the first day at the dump (it was pretty gross)
• touring the dump (pictures that will make you want to never use plastic bags again!)
• sharing my testimony at la churecha (and my first experience with being translated)
• speaking spanish
• the beach and andrea and how salty the ocean was and how it turned pea green and was REALLY disgusting (and how my pants fell down in the ocean and we all laughed but deep down I was really embarassed and prayed that no one really saw anything.)
• major lesson learned: how to ask for help
• how cool our team was and how much I loved them all!
• sharing with the group Uprising moving to Parkrose (and what's going on with Uprising in general)

Okay, I could probably go and on with the list! Need some sleep!! Maybe I will wake up inspired!

Journal Entry - Capturing a Feeling

There are so many things I haven't written about yet (in my journal), but I will try hard to remember details when I get home. Lord, please give me a clear memory so I can write about the amazing moments. Overall, I feel incredible and excited and loved and encouraged and so blessed. Today we took the kids to the beach. A la playa. I loved spending the day with Andrea, the girl who was "assigned" to me. She is beautiful and has such a good heart. Lord, please bless her, guide her, protect her... bring more people into her life to love and encourage her.

I feel changed, refreshed, and made new. I feel like I have been given new eyes, eyes that see people as you do and to love and serve others as you want me to. I wonder now how hard it will be at home to remember this feeling.

Baby Orphanage

On Wednesday afternoon, we visited the Baby Orphanage. For some of us, this was the day that our hearts broke. I fell in love with several of the little babies, including the the ones featured below. They told us to limit our time to fifteen minutes with the babies... but that was just impossible.

This little girl, Maria, loved to "fly." She smiled and giggled and looked at me with those big, brown eyes as I lifted her in the air.  She stole a piece of my heart.

Guadalupe reminded me so much of my brand-new niece. She was so teeny and wonderful and feminine. She was the first baby I held!

      

I love this picture. I think it might be one of my absolute favorites, because it captures a moment right after I kissed the top of the little boy's head. I can't remember his name, but I remember he just wanted to be held. He loved to lean against my body and rock back and forth.

Later on before we left the orphange, I had the opportunity to journal. I wrote:

We are the baby orphanage and while its wonderful holding and loving the babies (it is!)... it's also so heartbreaking, knowing we are leaving them. They just live here day after day. I know they are loved by the workers here, and God is Father to all the children, and these babies are no exception.  It is so hard to not want to sneak one in my luggage. I have always been interested in being a foster mom or adopting someday, if God wills, and being here and seeing and holding these babies that have a home... the desire is only strengthened!

Hammer Time (Second Work Day at Villa Esperanza)

(I know I am happy to have gotten that blasted nail out of the wood... but really, do I always look so goofy when I am happy?)

letting go

I mentioned in my first entry that I was struggling with not being in charge, not worrying about the details. Somehow, I finally released this need to God.

Before I left on this trip, I had written several entries on being single and marriage. I brought a book with me to read in my "free moments." Anticipatience: A New Word of Hope for Single Women by Sharon Virkler. I have had this book on my shelf for months. For whatever reason, God chose this week for me to read it. (and it was amazing!) In Chapter 3, the author talks about prayer and "asking God." She writes, "By surrendering our desires to Him, we seek to know His will." And later, "By saying it out loud (in context: wanting to be married), some feel that it reveals an inner discontent with God." Suggesting that if we aren't happy being single, its because we have a spiritual problem. As Paul wrote, we must learn to be content in whatever state we may find ourselves.

I agree. "But God has given us permission to approach His throne with any and all requests, and this includes the request for a change." I felt an amazing sense of freedom in this knowledge. Not just about marriage. Just being reminded that I have permission to ask God things. Isn't that crazy? That after so many years of "being a Christian," this simple idea of God wanting me to come to Him with my life and asking him "why?" and "how?" and "when?"would have me surprsed. Maybe I have known this along (I am sure I have), but was there something very powerful in learning this in Nicaragua.

I asked God why am I not leading this group. What is my role? How do I fit in? And He answered. He told me that this trip was a gift. I didn't have to worry about raising the support, He totally took care of that!, and all the details fell into place. I am with a team of people that I already have great friendships with. And now, on this trip, all that it is expected is to love His children and enjoy Him. I find it hilarious that I found more rest on this mission trip than during a normal week in Oregon.

So, in asking God so many questions, I also had to let go. Let go of my control and expectations. And just trust. Just be. Just let. And while it was scary, it so liberating! I don't want to go back to work with all its demands and responsibilities. I love just being with God, seeing His beauty in the faces of the little kids, in the hard work of the team when we worked at the Villa. He so GOOD!

the perfect moment (journal entry)

This is the perfect moment.

Sitting in this weird, pole swinging chair, listening to Derek Webb and other fav worship tunes in the backyard of the pastor's house where we are staying. There is a cool breeze that feels so good after a long day in the hot sun. The sun is on its descent. I really need to invest in a swinging chair or hammock or something at home.

We worked really hard today. It was great. It felt good.  Want to see how hard I worked? Its not pretty... I have a grumpy look on my face. Almost as if I am asking, "really, do I want to have a picture taken?" But I am proud of how hard the team worked. I am proud of the dozens of wheelbarrows of concrete I moved from the soon-to-be soccer field and site for new homes at Villa Experanza.

Lord, my prayer is that I will see myself as how You see me. Not the mess I see, but the beauty I know you must see...

missing home & motostepe

Today was a better day... although I am still struggling with not being "in charge of things". I miss home. I feel like a baby. I miss my friends and my family. I miss Elwood. I miss my laptop and my cell phone having service. I miss Abundant Life Church and I really miss cold Diet Coke (even if Sue says its poison and will cause my motor skills to fail when I am fifty.) We went to a church this morning and it was wonderful walking in... not just because it was full of people ready to worship God... but because it was air conditioned! There was another mission team sitting in front of us. It was cool to see others who have come to serve in Nicaragua.

We went to Motostepe that afternoon.  We had our first David & Goliath puppet show performance. (I was Goliath.) Sue presented to the school the baseball uniforms and equipment. They handed out the children's clothing we brought to families, and all while we played with the kids. Played and played.

We learned that in the Motostepe community there are over 5000 kids. They swarmed around us and I loved watching Nick, Tiffany, Nethanel, Pam and others lead the kids in so many fun games. In this picture, I am not sure what is happening. It looks like I am pointing at Nethanel's head. Who knows.

After watching the kids play and visiting in my little Spanish, I decided to go inside the little building and watch families recieve clothes. Amy was in there, and she and I began visiting with two little kids. A little girl named Maria and a little boy named Jose Luis. Jose Luis cracked me up!  I asked him (again in my broken Spanish) if there were any cats in Nicaragua. That I had only seen dogs. Lots of dogs. He got excited and told me he had a cat, I think named Cochara. I told him I had a cat too "blanco y negro" named Elwood. He said his cat was black and white too! We then decided to have a contest who could make the silliest face. Talking to Jose Luis made me feel for the first time on this trip that I truly was connecting with the kids. He's the little boy in the orange shirt. 

We later learned that the church at Motostepe had been praying for funds to build a roof over their building before the rainy seasons came (in July, we think.) The roof was going to cost $1500, and a church from Florida was coming the next week with $800. The amazingly cool God-had-apart-in-this thing is we had $700 to give somewhere. The exact amount the church needed for their new roof.

It also feels "nice" because I know that a lot of that "extra" money came from my sponors who were so generous in their support. I know its all God's money, but it doesn't lessen the joy in knowing that in small way I was a part of providing a roof so these people can come together and praise God together in a dry church.

This is a picture of the current roof, and not unlike many other roofs in Nicaragua, covered in mangoes.