to find beauty

first phone calls

I freaked out.

After dozens of past pseudo relationships where I spent months in emailing/online chatting limboland in hopes of going to the next level: real life, phone-callin', making-plans-to-see-each-other, I-can-poke-him-in-the-arm-and-he-can-really-feel-it stuff... you'd think I'd be more ready for this when it actually happened.

This guy was totally pursuing me. He wanted to talk to me. On the phone. Voice to voice.

I freaked out. I read his email before going into work on June 25th. So, as soon as I sit down at my desk that same morning, I turn to my co-worker and very dear gal pal Melanie, and I blurt it all out to her. I tell her he asked to call me.

I am over-the-top, ridiculous. It was like 6th grade all over again when Bobby Shepherd, the classic boy next door (who was in love me since 4th grade), called and asked if he could walk me to school. 

This is big deal stuff! 

Melanie just looks at me and smiles with that terrible knowing smile she can pull off so well. "Cori," she says, "Isn't this all good? Isn't this what you wanted?"

I look at her, and I am reminded of a conversation I had with her about a year before, where we sat at the outdoor seating of McCool's Pub for our lunch hour and I told her, flat out, I'd never, ever meet someone who would ever want to pursue me. (I believe this was around the time of Eharmony Guy #2. My self-worth was really low.) And she said to be patient.

I was also reminded of the encouraging words I read almost every day, pinned to the corkboard above my desk at home (which I also wrote about here):

the Lord wants you to be pursued and treasured by any man you date. You are a beautiful treasure, to be discovered and honored.

"Mel," I plead. "That isn't the point. Yes, it's what I want, but this is all so much. He's actually pursuing me! It feels like I am back on the zip lines in the jungle of Nicaragua and I am scared to death and I know I need to let go so I can enjoy it all... but I can't. Why is this so hard?"

I continued to stew in anxiety at my desk, somehow getting work done. Dave had already begun text messaging (the "technical" step before phone calls), and is being his normal wonderful self. Me: basketcase trying to play it cool. (I am sure if he wrote his side of all of this, he was pretty nervous too.) I know he's waiting for me to tell him when he can call. But I stay silent.

I step away from my desk -- not sure why, probably to do work since that's what I am actually paid to do when I am at work -- and when I return to my desk, I notice I have missed a call.

He called.

At 12:18pm he called and left a voicemail. He called before I told him it was okay. His voice was on my phone, for me to listen to and evaluate to no end.  I turned to Mel. 

"He called. What do I do now?" I sorta squeaked this out, as I began pacing around the office.

I can't remember what she said. (Probably something wise.) I went downstairs to the reception area where Val, my Dating Mentor, works. (Every single gal needs a Dating Mentor. I am blessed to have Val, who also happens to head up the pre-marital mentoring at the church.)

"Cori," she begins. "Calm down. This is what you need to do. Text him back and tell him you are happy he called- because you are. Confirm he did an okay thing in calling. And then suggest a time for you (or him) to call back. You can do it."

I like her suggestion a lot. Even though he called before I said it was okay, really, I liked his intiative. It showed me he could make decisions on his own, and he could take charge. But his message said something about ME calling him back. Me, who at age 28, still avoided calling men on the phone because my mom always said it was an improper thing for Christian ladies to do. But, I am thinking its okay to call him since he suggested it.

We made plans via text messaging for me to call him after I got off work.

And I did. And it wasn't scary. Okay, my finger floated over the send button for about 3 minutes before I could press it. But, really, I was pretty darn calm. We talked about the upcoming "meeting" our mutual friends had planned at sushi restaurant in downtown Portland. He reassured me that a story I told him earlier in our emails about playing with fish guts as a child (hmm, go with me here) was awesome and that I wasn't a freak. We discussed whether we drank alcohol. (Y'know, very important stuff.) He had a great voice, and he said things like, "it was off the hook."  

It was really nice.

The next time we talked on the phone, a couple days later, I was sitting in the Emergency Room at Providence. I had just taken my good friend Joy in because she was really sick, and things were scary and no one knew what was going with her. She is doing better now, fyi, even if doctors don't know what's going on yet. Ironically, Dave still hasn't met her, she reminds me of this fact often.

He called when I was sitting on the floor in a hallway (to get away from the loudness of the ER. When I told him where I was, he asked if he could pray for my friend... and for me.

I melted. He was wonderful. Guys did this? I mean, I knew he was a pastor (that was his job, his calling in life), but this was all so new to me. He cared. He was kind. He prayed for my friend, who I was so scared for, and somehow, while sitting on the hospital floor, the guard I had around my heart began to chip away.

So, I am getting a little nervous writing all this out, since I am learning quite a few friendly spies have been reading up on my new dating adventures. (I think that's the point of blogs anyways!) Dave has ressured me he likes my posts, so I shall continue even if I am blushing profusely and constantly!

where did I leave off?

First, let me introduce him.

His name is Dave. He is 28 (technically I am about 5 months older than him, but I am doubtful that makes me a cougar... right?) He has brown spikey-ish hair, sports funky glasses, and is 5'11" - the exact height I determined my junior year of college to be the perfect height for me. (Long, very silly story.)

Currently, he is on staff at a local church as an assistant youth pastor. Yes, he is a pastor.  He also does the communication and media stuff for the church. Think bulletins & newsletters, PowerPoints, websites and graphics. Think: very busy and a lot of Adobe Photoshop. Think: the guy who everyone depends on to get things done.  

And it get's crazier. He recently joined the staff at a transitional home/shelter for homeless families. He is also finishing his business degree (so he can have a tent-making ministry - which I quickly learned is not an actual tent-making ministry), and if he has some spare minutes... He likes to see or talk to me.

*Blush*

He has a huge heart. It is evident in how he spends his time (serving and pouring into the lives of youth), and by the amazing people he has in his life (I've met some so far, and they are pretty wonderful.)

And he loves the Lord unabashedly. He also likes Mixed Martial Arts, but I haven't held that against him... yet. 

That's a little bit about him... Let me get back to the story.

So, I am exchanging emails with this dude and it's the craziest experience ever. (How's that for fine writing!) But, seriously, it was pretty crazy. I was in the middle of my summer of house-sitting and it felt like every week or so I was writing from a different home. Probably because I was.

I responded to his ad (which he says he will locate and forward to me for my "records") on May 30th, um, at like 2:45am. Yes, it's true. I was perusing the CL ads at 2am. Remember, I liked his ad because he mentioned he was involved in ministry. I wrote back, saying a little bit about myself and that I also worked in ministry.

He wrote back about 12 hours later. I remember the moment actually. I was waiting at the light headed south on Eastman Parkway in Gresham. It must have been a long line, because I had time to check my gmail from my cell phone. He responded: "What kind of ministry? Do you have a pic? Do you have Facebook or Myspace?"

If you aren't familiar with online dating norms, asking for a "pic" is pretty typical, and with the rise of popularity for FB and Myspace, it's pretty common to share those as well... although before you share such a site, one must: 1. weed through all photos and delete any that are the slightlest bit embarassing/bad and 2. update and edit info/profiles to make sure one sounds witty, cool, etc.

My myspace has been pretty much deserted after the Eharmony Guy #2 (see previous post), and sharing FB can be a pretty personal thing, especially if you are me and you share your whole world on it. I frequenly update my status with random info through my twitter and there is a link to my blog... which contains even more intimate info about me.

I am not even close to the ranks of one of my favorite bloggers, Penelope Trunk, with sharing personal details (I particularly like it when she writes about the farmer) but I get it: sometimes when you write, to make the process complete, you need to be read by someone... even if it's only your best girl friends after you force them to click on your blog link.

But, honestly, when you are just beginning to chat up a guy... do you really want to run the risk of him finding this blog post, or the soap opera confession one or well any under "women's business"? Is sharing your Facebook like opening pandora's box? Hmm.

Either it will endear him to you forever, or he will run like a scared little boy. (And, really, there isn't anything bad to find either.)

Dave and I become Facebook friends. Yes, that makes our friendship official y'know.

Around this time, I realize Dave must know/ work with some folks at Eastside I know through some close friends. I ask him about, choosing to provide evidenciary support:

Pictured: Jamil, Rachel, Mel, Me, Ashlee and Tim. Chris is hiding in the back. The picture was taken on Chris's 28th birthday last October (his 28th birthday on the October 28th!) where we had a pumpkin carving party and watched old Simpson's Halloween episodes.

Now, by sending the picture, not only was I proving I knew his friends, but I was also letting it out that this is me. This is what I look like.

 No lying. No pretending to be something you aren't. You share yourself as you are.

So, he writes back and confirms that Tim and Ashlee where definitely his peeps.

Now, emailing is fun. I remember my grandma telling me when I was a little girl about how her and my grandpa wrote letters to each other while he was in the war. I remember thinking it was the most romantic thing ever. (I still feel that way. And now I can peek through the letters!)

Letters are special. Not only to read them over and over again, pour your heart out in cursive and ink, but to have them, all bundled up to treasure forever.

Google Gmail has kept our emails pretty safe, so far. *wink*

But as wonderful as our emails had begun, and how easily things were flowing... I stalled after a week or two of correspondence.

Blame the busy season. (I was really busy.) But I sat with some long-time, good friends Korrin and Steve and revealed that I didn't know if I was going to continue writing... I had various reasons, most of them stemming from fear. Korrin told me I should keep writing him, that I should give him a chance because dating is about learning about who we are... this could be an excellent learning opportunity. To which Steve adamently agreed, saying something like, "Cori, how come you've given all those losers in the past a chance but when someone who obviously loves the Lord comes along you don't give him a chance?"

Yeah. So, I took that to heart. They were right. Of course, they were right.

I kept writing. Our mutual friends began plotting our first meeting/date. I discovered in more emails that Dave was going to Nicaragua this coming Fall/Winter to some of the same places in Nicaragua I went to March 2008. Crazy. Really crazy.

Soon, I got the email from him with three specific questions:

1. What's your opinion on tattoos and piercings?
2. What's a favorite Bible verse?
3. When can I call you?

:)

To be continued...

(Sorry, I need sleep.)

the long-winded version* of how we met (the teaser continues!)

I've said and done a lot of crazy things in my lifetime. Hasn't everyone? One thing I have said, perhaps flippantly at the time, is: "darn it all if I meet the man of my dreams at the grocery store or some normal way after the years and pains I have gone through to meet someone online... I will be really mad!"

(Because you know, it's all up to us...)

Okay, so maybe, just maybe, that wasn't said so flippantly.  Maybe it was said with a lot of passion and frustration after yet another disappointing dating experience or as a pathetic attempt to defend my history of meeting-men-tactics via the world wide web.

There was "Michigan" whom was met an AIM, oh, 8 or so years ago. Who actually flew across the country to meet me- how many girls can say that? He was a good guy. We just had a continent between us.

And some random yahoo personnels and match.com guys I met while attending OSU or shortly after I left in 2004. These experiences are only "good" because of the lessons I learned (I'd share some, but I am still a little embarassed at my foolishness) and the experience of singing in a garage punk band (which was awesome.) **

Then, there was eharmony. Oh, eharmony... Which to this day, makes me want to cry a little and feel ever-so-slightly bitter. Not that people can't find good men and women on it, but for me... well, I met two guys (that I want to count) and both taught me a lot about expectations and experiencing disapppointment. They weren't bad guys, though the second inspired me to go to counseling (which was a very good thing) and the first inspired me and a friend to skip the country. (Really).

After the rejection from Eharmony Boy #1 and #2, where else was I to go? Enter: Craigslist. Yes, for real. After the let down from this guy who ended up lying about his age (and who knows what else), I was stuck. There was a hole in my heart I was trying desperately to fill... and fill fast. I regularly perused the ads, hoping and searching for someone special.

Which resulted in me, last August, sitting in my bedroom crying, NO BAWLING, to my friend Joy over the telephone. I had just spent a half-hour or so reading through another batch of Craigslist ads and I finally had enough! I needed to confess to my friend what I had been doing and how I was feeling: completely worthless and rejected.

And really stupid. (I hate feeling stupid.)

You see, I loved God, which x-ed out all the athiests/non-Christians. I wasn't looking for sex, so this limited me from the many men who just wanted some girl to sleep with them. I am also not a thin, athletic gal, so as soon as one of them typed, "sorry girls, I don't want to be a jerk but no BBWs" I felt rejected again. Even though I knew better than to judge myself with these worldy standards... I felt hopeless that a really good guy would like ever me, so I considered settling for less. (Wow, thats weird to admit.)

I cried on the phone to my friend that there must be something wrong with me... that I must be too fat, too ugly, too goody-goody for anyone to ever date me and make me feel special.

Really. I was in a bad place.

Of course, she listened and told me I was being too hard on myself. And, of course, she told me to stop reading the ads. She said all the right, wonderful things a good friend should say. She reminded me I was looking for acceptance from the world, and I should be focused on the amazing love God has for me. That He accepted me, loved me, found me worthy. And I kept crying because it felt good to get it all out in the open... even if I didn't know what I'd do next. I knew she was right. I let myself be fooled. I believed the lies that the Enemy was feeding me through these ads.

I talked to my counselor about it, and he gave me an assignment. An assignment which may sound a little weird, but it really helped me. He told me to go back to the Craigslist ads (I wonder if this is akin to sending a recovering alcoholic to a bar?) and read them again. Really. But this time read them with new eyes. Ask myself if these guys are worthy of me. Ask myself if these guys love the Lord, if they fit the standards I set for myself long ago. Ask myself if I really liked them. Ask myself if they were good enough for me not if I was good enough for them.

I prayed about it a lot. And then I did it: I read through the ads with my new Godly-chic glasses on.

Wow. What was I thinking? As I read through the ads, I felt the dirtiness and the shame of believing these guys had something I wanted and for letting them make me feel less than what God created me to be: lovely.  

Between my friend's words and the experience re-reading the ads, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head and I realized that I had given these nameless, clueless guys too much power in my life.  What was I thinking? Furthermore, I realized I felt sorry for these guys. They were missing out on something really special, even if they had no idea. Not just me (hehe), but they were missing out on a true love relationship with Jesus Christ. As I read through the ads, I rejected them and their worldly ideas for happiness and worthiness.

I felt empowered.

Now, that doesn't mean I never read/responded to an ad ever again. Honestly, I had a light bulb moment... I didn't change my spots completely.  Actually, I rarely ever responded to an ad in the first place, I mostly just read them and let the words alone reject me. The difference now was: I kept my Godly-chic glasses on.

And, honestly, eventually I just stopped bothering to look at all.

I spent the past year- my 28th year- not focused on dating (though it was always in the back of my mind) but on achieving some big goals in my life and appreciating my singleness. I went back to school. I worked hard at my job and got a really awesome review. I tried some new ministry opportunities. I met new people and developed great new friendships. I felt heartache through some difficult friendship troubles. And through all of it and more, God has been by my side. Even when He felt distant, I knew He was there. 

Then, it happened. I had just finished my last final for Spring term at OSU, and my long-time, good friend Steve and I had made plans to celebrate. It was the first time we had hung out in a long time, and I was quickly reminded of how wonderful it was to spend time with a neat Christian guy (he is an awesome man of God) and, really, the evening was fairly romantic, even though it was entirely platonic. (For the record, Steve is now dating my friend Tessa, so don't be getting any false ideas.) We walked along the beach and talked about God and the church and there were real fireworks- like real ones!

Inspired and reminded that I was created for relationship with a nice, Christian man (and I didn't want to be hiding out forever)... I took a peek and read through some CL ads. (I know, why I looked at the old fishing spot when I should have learned by then to fish in prettier waters... I just don't know.)  

But then I read his. 

Now, I wish I had saved a copy of his ad... (Hopefully he has it somewhere?) Something about his ad was different. I remember he mentioned he was looking for someone to share ministry with. I liked that. I liked it a lot. So, I wrote to him.

And then he wrote me back.

And this continued...  and continued...

(And I began to freak out because maybe this was real? I had guarded myself for so long from actual intimacy... this was entirely new. It's one thing to be "on the hunt" but to actually be in a relationship?! Yikes!)

*wink*

Recently, he wrote to me that my response was the only one he wrote back to... which I know: "best online dating pick up line ever" but he it was sweet and genuine! And I loved it. And both of us truly believe that God was involved in our online meeting... even if we could have totally met in real life because we quickly learned in our emailing that our best friends were friends (crazy!) and they could have totally set us up.

Hmm. God's timing is everything. We also totally "met" several years ago at a Lord Save Us From Your Followers documentary. Our friends stood and talked for a bit. Us? We were just standing there quiet and oblivious. Totally a 'Til There Was You movie moment.)

I am feeling like God cares so much about me right now and my heart to find someone (online) over the years (okay, go with me here I know this makes me sound a little cukoo), that MAYBE of all the ways I could have met this guy... God, in His goodness and awesome humor, chose to do it this way to remind me that He loves me so much and knows me so well to not make feel like a loser who tried and failed so many times?

Am I crazy? Maybe. But who cares! I am happy.

Wait until you hear the rest! He is wonderful. :) Until then... aren't you glad I realized how great and loveable I am?

*Long-winded version? So what if I take a really long time to get the good part. I had a lot to learn first. I still have a lot to learn. This is just the tip of the iceberg, my reading friends.

**It has been recommended to me by several friends over the years to write out all my online dating stories in a novel-type form. Apparently, they are pretty darn funny and even a little twisted. Maybe someday.

a teaser...

Wow.

When I began the summer I had high hopes of reading through a crazy summer reading list, having a lot of free time to take hikes, organizing all my stuff and repainting my room and going on exciting road trips.

Ha!

I did manage to read through a couple books. And I have purchased several more books which will be read through... someday.

Somehow my summer got too exciting for reading the so-serious books I had planned on.

I met a someone special. *wink*

I have real move out plans.

Work is going well. Even with my dear friend and now FORMER boss leaving and moving to Mexico to be a missionary/teacher!

I have spent many, many wonderful days and evenings with friends.

And, did I mention, I met a man? 'Cause I did. And I have to admit... reading his emails and talking to him on the phone and making plans with him... have sooooo beat out my reading list plans.

Ironically, one of the only books I managed to fully finish this summer was How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud.

I think it worked. Single friends: you can borrow the book any time, just be fully warned of its potency. I've read A LOT of books about being single, how to date the Christian way, etc. This one clicked differently for me. Maybe it was God's timing, more than the book itself... I don't know.

So, I am working on some posts to spill all (well, not all) of the juicy details. He has given me permission (sorta) to write about him. I asked on our third date. Really. Though I haven't until now... Have just been enjoying it all. :) 

I also mentioned MOVING OUT PLANS! For those who read my post earlier this summer about searching for home-sweet-home, this is an answer to prayer! I will be writing about that too.

And I have a tribute to Rachel in the works.

I have all sorts of thoughts bouncing around in my head, waiting to get out and be read!

Stay tuned.

the fruits of dating

Okay, yeah the title is a little weird, but go with me here. We talk about the fruits of living a Christ-like life--- which are obviously a whole lot holier than where I am going in this post--- but here I go anyways.

It occurs to me that dating, while having the cons of break ups and disappointment, also has some pretty nice perks and no, I am not talking about the obvious happy stuff (I will let your imagination and past happy experiences speak for themselves in your head.) I am talking about the post-boy perks. When any negative break up repercussions have diminished and you can confidently say with some class, hopefully, "he's a jerk/workaholic/pig/cheater/liar/etc and he doesn't deserve a great girl like me. I am going to move on with my life and be happy."

Post-boy perks are what I like to think of after a particularly sour dating experience (like when you find out with very little online sleuthing he's really ten-ish years older than he told you and lied about it multiple times.) They are things you come away with from a dating relationship, and you can honestly, 100% say that, "y'know going out with The Older-Than-He-Told-Me man was worth it just because I learned about this great website that provides cheap background checks." For example, of course, only.

What I am trying to get at is that when you meet, get to know better, spend time with a guy (regardless of who he or turns out to be) he has this uncanny way of teaching you things or showing you new things. Good stuff. Cool stuff. Stuff you never would have tried or known about with his quirky interests or knowledge.

So when the relationship is over, you still have these great new things in your life that are… well, pretty great… hence, the post-boy perks. It's also an attempt to look at the positives of dating and breaking ups.

I thought I would write up a little list of some of the "fruits" of my former "dating" experiences. I say "dating" liberally. Really, really liberally. No real names mentioned, I promise. Just fun stories.

1. Facebook. Yes, Facebook. I finally succumbed to the other side of social networking favs (originally I was diehard myspacer- now I have both) when a guy I was very good friends with for a very long time who lived on the other side of the country… let's call him "Michigan" just for fun, insisted I sign up to share photos, etc. Now, I love facebook... and well, he remains a facebook friend.
2. "Michigan" (who does not live in the land of lakes a plenty) has also taught me a ton about sound, editing for tv networks and I have a new appreciation for those wires that tech guys use for like everything. J
3. Phil Wickham. Whom I love and can listen to for hours is NOT an ex, but a musician whom I was introduced to by The Spikey-Haired Guy. In fact, my first Phil Wickham cd was a pseudo-Valentine's day gift from him (yes, even on Valentine's day, though he was ranting the horrors of such a commercialized holiday) and the cd was completely free for him and really not as thoughtful as it could've been... but it didn't matter. I loved the album. And since, I have purchased my own Phil Wickham albums, and even brought my whole small group to a recent concert where he recorded a live cd. I like to boast that even if you can't tell… somewhere in the singing is my voice!
4. The Spikey-Haired Guy could also be partially to blame for my spontaneous trip to Canada with good friend Korrin last Spring. We prefer to think of it as our adventurous spirits, of course. The Spikey-Haired Guy had a cool way of bringing out my adventurous spirit and shedding some bright light on my some-what dull day-to-day activities… my opinion, not his. I've enjoyed shaking some of the "let's play it safe" shackles off and just enjoying life.
5. The Counselor was able to get me to read a Max Lucado book. I had a pretty strong opinion that Lucado was syrupy and not deep enough for what I wanted and needed. The Counselor, however, loved Lucado, and in a (very non-pathetic!!) attempt to have something for us to discuss, I began reading the Lucado book (3:16) that The Counselor was also reading. And I LEARNED SO MUCH. I loved the book. It was easy to read, yes, but it was full of great stuff that I needed to read and take to heart at the time. Now, I try to be less judgmental when I look at books—I even got over my Beth-Moore-is-too-ubiquitous-for-me issues, and have recently begun reading her "Get Out of the Pit" book.
6. Drinking. Yes, probably not the best to be proud of, but my first real drink that I loved was given to me by the Guy-With-The-Kissable-Lips. It was a rum-and-coke, and I loved it. My fear that drinking means drunkenness and immediate sin was eased into more practical fears.
7. The Guy-With-The-Kissable-Lips also gave me a shot of something else: courage. My most romantically bold moment involved him, a phone call telling him to meet me on the sidewalk 'cause I forgot to give him something and my lips on his beautiful lips. (He still remembers the moment too, which makes me feel pretty darn good.)
8. An adorable pinkish-salmon colored shirt with an empire waist belt. I love the shirt. My friend Mel picked it out for me for the date with The Older-Than-He-Told-Me man. I joked with the cashier when I purchased the shirt and my first pair of "skinny-legged jeans" that sometimes the best part of first dates is the cute outfit one might purchase for the date. Not that I necessarily condone not just wearing what you have and makes you feel good—but honestly girls, sometimes the best part is what happens before the date (see also: prom and the getting ready/dress part).
9. Secret Agent Camp. Yes, this is for reals. There really is a Secret Agent camp for adults. It's really expensive and in Southern California, but heck—what's a plane trip and a lifetime of savings when you can fly a helicopter, learn combat moves and basically live out James Bond. A new friend of mine introduced me to his childhood fantasy (Secret Agent Camp) and has sparked a whirlwind of discussion in my circle of crazy friends. Don't be surprised if I am writing someday of my own Secret Agent adventures with my best gal pals.

So, as you can see… my life is much richer because of these guys. Perhaps delicious "fruit salad" richer. Haha.

my new favorite spot

I have discovered a favorite spot to in my front yard, in the corner, hidden behind trees and plants. It's a fantastic spot, in the shade, of course. Near the wild rose bushes, close to the house and within wi-fi. I have a lawn chair set up now... but I am looking for something cozier and prettier.

I plan on spending more time outside doing my nerdy hobbies (ie writing blogs).

Elwood likes the spot too. He keeps me company; I think he prefers to the great outdoors over my hot room. (He follows me everywhere.) He looks at me know, his paws tucked under his chest, and I do believe he is smiling. Maybe not.

There is something lovely about sitting outside and feeling the breeze on your face as you write and ponder.

But what to ponder about? I want to write a love song/poem/letter. I feel the words swelling within me, but I feel silly writing a love anything when the object of my affections is (so far) unrequited and many miles away. But I smile and I want to write the words anyways. I will save them, store them in my heart and a special box and label it "for you someday."

Its fun to allow oneself to be wistful and romantic.

of all the boys I loved

I remember my first crush on a very fine man... a man who everyday like clockwork serenaded me as he changed his shoes and zipped up his cardigan sweater. Because of him, I learned how crayons were made, how to make blocks out of milk cartons, and learned of the Land of Make Believe. Mr. Rogers was all that and more for me.

And then there was Richard. Cute boy in my first grade class. He was in my Dad's group when our class when on a field trip to the zoo. He told my dad he had "crispy hands." Richard's finest quality in my mind was his speech impediment. He had issues with the letter "R" and I loved listening to him as he shared at Show and Tell. It took him about a minute to get out his name. "RRRRRRRRichaRRRRRd." I loved it. I wonder if my own visits to Mr. Reed the school speech pathologist were due to unconscious attempts on my part to speak with the same sexy stutter. Probably not. He also wore an acid wash jacket with fleece lining that I found very nice.

I should also note now that my second grade crush (and the boy whom gave me my first kiss in sixth grade during a round of Spin the Bottle in my best friend's basement) was a boy named Ryan who ate glue and I witnessed leaving more than one booger under his desk. The glue though. Wow. The way it got all over his matching sweatshirt and sweat pants before consumption. Be still my beating heart.

I would like to say the qualities that causes my heart to go pitter-patter now have improved greatly since the days of elementary school when all a boy had to do to get my attention was flip his shoe in the air while singing of the neighborhood's beauty or smear some Elmer's on his pants. And I do believe they have matured to an extent which probably comes more from the practicality of getting older and realizing boogers under the furniture is so not cool.

One of the last boys (I suppose they want to be called MEN now) to trigger some serious heart twitters in me asked me what kind of guy I was attracted to... in my bold and very cori-like way, I responded by writing the reasons I was attracted to him. Now, of course, I am wondering if I should have added an adendum that read "guys I find attractive are guys that know what they want. (And what they want, of course, is a beautiful friendship with me. That is, if thats what I want too. Haha.)

Anyways, as I reminice over the boys I have loved in my child-like innocence and the latest string of men who have left my heart disappointed... I wonder if I will ever meet someone who will make Mr. Rogers and Richard and Ryan pale in comparison to their awesomeness.

Or maybe I have already.

Marriage, Marriage, Marriage

Late last night, I recieved a phone call from a very close friend of mine, for her sake, let's called her Angelina. (Thats her real name, but lets pretend I am giving her some privacy.) She was frantic, crying, afraid. (This had me worried, who knows what had happened! This was not normal for her.)

"Cori." She said, with desperation. "Jeremy isn't answering his phone. He always answers his phone. What if something happened to him?"

I fought for the right words to say.

"Cori, he always has his phone on him. What if I he fell down the stairs moving that stupid chair for me and tripped and is laying on the bottom of the stairs, unconscious, with the chair on top of him?"

In my mind, I am imagined Angelina as a mother giving the "dead in a ditch speech" to her teenage son who came home past curfew.

"Cori, I love him so much. I don't know what I would do without him. If he doesn't call in 5 minutes I am driving out home."

(My friend was visiting her mother, who lives about an hour and half away.)

Jeremy finally called. He had left his phone on silent (not usual for him at all) and downstairs, where he was not. When he returned to his phone, and noticed 12 missed calls and text messages, he knew he was in trouble.

I told my friend that someday she will be able to look back and laugh about how crazy scared she got. Maybe not yet, but someday. I have been thinking about my friend's call today and how she reacted.

"Cori I love him so much."

I asked my friend Mel that if her husband didn't call or wasn't available when she expected him to be, if she would be get worried, freak out, drive to where he was supposed to be to make sure he was okay. She said yes.

Once her husband Chris, called me in a panic. Mel wasn't answering her cell phone. She wasn't answering her work phone. Did I know where she was, he asked. I said she probably just left the church, that she was meeting us at a meeting later that night. He asked me to stop by the church. He was very worried.

Her phone had died or something. I can't remember the details. But she was fine. He was worried. He loved her, was worried, concerned. He wanted to make sure she was okay.

I want to love someone that much. .

Today was a weird day. While processing all that... I also found myself smack dab in the world of marriage. For one, I manage the pre-marital ministry at my church. I find this role very ironic, as I am soooo single, but I love it. I love getting to talk to people who are in love and wanting to make their marriage work by starting it off learning how to communicate better, etc. Today I called a pastor from Roseberg regarding a couple at ALC that wants to get married (hes officiating the wedding.) I talked to a former marriage mentor couple about a couple they used to mentor. I updated my list that shows who is mentored by whom.

Also because of this role, sometimes I recieve mail that Dorine (the mail lady, hehe) deems worthy of my attention. In my box today: an invitation to The Marriage Experience. Ground breaking. Jaw dropping. No napping. Let's impact marriages in your community together. Saturday, May 3rd. Oregon Convention Center.

Woo-hoo.

THEN, I ran into a friend of mine from at church. I had heard she was dating a really neat guy she had met at the single's ministry. They were still dating, very happy, very mushy, had joined a couples only small group, and were looking to their future... (I made a mental note to look for a mentor couple for them...)

THEN, I had to do some stuff for the Love and Respect marriage class that meets Tuesday nights. THEN, when I came home to watch my favorite night of tv (Beauty and the Geek and One Tree Hill - I know) I remembered that tonight's One Tree Hill was Lucas and Lindsey's wedding! (Of course, I want Lucas and Peyton together, and fortunately, Lindsey wised up to Lucas's unending love for Peyton and left the altar in a dramatic flash of wedding dress down the aisle.)

Okay, so maybe all these stories aren't THAT crazy... but why would God put SO MUCH MARRIAGE STUFF in my life, and keep me sooo single? I just have to wonder if He's up to something. A girl can hope, right? Hahahaha.

wait for me

wait for me as i wait for you... darling wait... i may be sniffing too many weddings, but this past week or so i have been high on this insane hope that (as rebecca st james sings) all i need to do is wait. this is a pretty dubious post, for that I can only (with some irony) say to you: wait. Until then, I must come up with a maid of honor speech.

wake up call

i don't want to write too much here. too much of hope and heart can be a painful thing.

but, this morning, i had a wake up call. literally. at 7:15 am.

i had the opportunity to be a friend.

Lord i trust You.