I've said and done a lot of crazy things in my lifetime. Hasn't everyone? One thing I have said, perhaps flippantly at the time, is: "darn it all if I meet the man of my dreams at the grocery store or some normal way after the years and pains I have gone through to meet someone online... I will be really mad!"
(Because you know, it's all up to us...)
Okay, so maybe, just maybe, that wasn't said so flippantly. Maybe it was said with a lot of passion and frustration after yet another disappointing dating experience or as a pathetic attempt to defend my history of meeting-men-tactics via the world wide web.
There was "Michigan" whom was met an AIM, oh, 8 or so years ago. Who actually flew across the country to meet me- how many girls can say that? He was a good guy. We just had a continent between us.
And some random yahoo personnels and match.com guys I met while attending OSU or shortly after I left in 2004. These experiences are only "good" because of the lessons I learned (I'd share some, but I am still a little embarassed at my foolishness) and the experience of singing in a garage punk band (which was awesome.) **
Then, there was eharmony. Oh, eharmony... Which to this day, makes me want to cry a little and feel ever-so-slightly bitter. Not that people can't find good men and women on it, but for me... well, I met two guys (that I want to count) and both taught me a lot about expectations and experiencing disapppointment. They weren't bad guys, though the second inspired me to go to counseling (which was a very good thing) and the first inspired me and a friend to skip the country. (Really).
After the rejection from Eharmony Boy #1 and #2, where else was I to go? Enter: Craigslist. Yes, for real. After the let down from this guy who ended up lying about his age (and who knows what else), I was stuck. There was a hole in my heart I was trying desperately to fill... and fill fast. I regularly perused the ads, hoping and searching for someone special.
Which resulted in me, last August, sitting in my bedroom crying, NO BAWLING, to my friend Joy over the telephone. I had just spent a half-hour or so reading through another batch of Craigslist ads and I finally had enough! I needed to confess to my friend what I had been doing and how I was feeling: completely worthless and rejected.
And really stupid. (I hate feeling stupid.)
You see, I loved God, which x-ed out all the athiests/non-Christians. I wasn't looking for sex, so this limited me from the many men who just wanted some girl to sleep with them. I am also not a thin, athletic gal, so as soon as one of them typed, "sorry girls, I don't want to be a jerk but no BBWs" I felt rejected again. Even though I knew better than to judge myself with these worldy standards... I felt hopeless that a really good guy would like ever me, so I considered settling for less. (Wow, thats weird to admit.)
I cried on the phone to my friend that there must be something wrong with me... that I must be too fat, too ugly, too goody-goody for anyone to ever date me and make me feel special.
Really. I was in a bad place.
Of course, she listened and told me I was being too hard on myself. And, of course, she told me to stop reading the ads. She said all the right, wonderful things a good friend should say. She reminded me I was looking for acceptance from the world, and I should be focused on the amazing love God has for me. That He accepted me, loved me, found me worthy. And I kept crying because it felt good to get it all out in the open... even if I didn't know what I'd do next. I knew she was right. I let myself be fooled. I believed the lies that the Enemy was feeding me through these ads.
I talked to my counselor about it, and he gave me an assignment. An assignment which may sound a little weird, but it really helped me. He told me to go back to the Craigslist ads (I wonder if this is akin to sending a recovering alcoholic to a bar?) and read them again. Really. But this time read them with new eyes. Ask myself if these guys are worthy of me. Ask myself if these guys love the Lord, if they fit the standards I set for myself long ago. Ask myself if I really liked them. Ask myself if they were good enough for me not if I was good enough for them.
I prayed about it a lot. And then I did it: I read through the ads with my new Godly-chic glasses on.
Wow. What was I thinking? As I read through the ads, I felt the dirtiness and the shame of believing these guys had something I wanted and for letting them make me feel less than what God created me to be: lovely.
Between my friend's words and the experience re-reading the ads, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head and I realized that I had given these nameless, clueless guys too much power in my life. What was I thinking? Furthermore, I realized I felt sorry for these guys. They were missing out on something really special, even if they had no idea. Not just me (hehe), but they were missing out on a true love relationship with Jesus Christ. As I read through the ads, I rejected them and their worldly ideas for happiness and worthiness.
I felt empowered.
Now, that doesn't mean I never read/responded to an ad ever again. Honestly, I had a light bulb moment... I didn't change my spots completely. Actually, I rarely ever responded to an ad in the first place, I mostly just read them and let the words alone reject me. The difference now was: I kept my Godly-chic glasses on.
And, honestly, eventually I just stopped bothering to look at all.
I spent the past year- my 28th year- not focused on dating (though it was always in the back of my mind) but on achieving some big goals in my life and appreciating my singleness. I went back to school. I worked hard at my job and got a really awesome review. I tried some new ministry opportunities. I met new people and developed great new friendships. I felt heartache through some difficult friendship troubles. And through all of it and more, God has been by my side. Even when He felt distant, I knew He was there.
Then, it happened. I had just finished my last final for Spring term at OSU, and my long-time, good friend Steve and I had made plans to celebrate. It was the first time we had hung out in a long time, and I was quickly reminded of how wonderful it was to spend time with a neat Christian guy (he is an awesome man of God) and, really, the evening was fairly romantic, even though it was entirely platonic. (For the record, Steve is now dating my friend Tessa, so don't be getting any false ideas.) We walked along the beach and talked about God and the church and there were real fireworks- like real ones!
Inspired and reminded that I was created for relationship with a nice, Christian man (and I didn't want to be hiding out forever)... I took a peek and read through some CL ads. (I know, why I looked at the old fishing spot when I should have learned by then to fish in prettier waters... I just don't know.)
But then I read his.
Now, I wish I had saved a copy of his ad... (Hopefully he has it somewhere?) Something about his ad was different. I remember he mentioned he was looking for someone to share ministry with. I liked that. I liked it a lot. So, I wrote to him.
And then he wrote me back.
And this continued... and continued...
(And I began to freak out because maybe this was real? I had guarded myself for so long from actual intimacy... this was entirely new. It's one thing to be "on the hunt" but to actually be in a relationship?! Yikes!)
*wink*
Recently, he wrote to me that my response was the only one he wrote back to... which I know: "best online dating pick up line ever" but he it was sweet and genuine! And I loved it. And both of us truly believe that God was involved in our online meeting... even if we could have totally met in real life because we quickly learned in our emailing that our best friends were friends (crazy!) and they could have totally set us up.
Hmm. God's timing is everything. We also totally "met" several years ago at a Lord Save Us From Your Followers documentary. Our friends stood and talked for a bit. Us? We were just standing there quiet and oblivious. Totally a 'Til There Was You movie moment.)
I am feeling like God cares so much about me right now and my heart to find someone (online) over the years (okay, go with me here I know this makes me sound a little cukoo), that MAYBE of all the ways I could have met this guy... God, in His goodness and awesome humor, chose to do it this way to remind me that He loves me so much and knows me so well to not make feel like a loser who tried and failed so many times?
Am I crazy? Maybe. But who cares! I am happy.
Wait until you hear the rest! He is wonderful. :) Until then... aren't you glad I realized how great and loveable I am?
*Long-winded version? So what if I take a really long time to get the good part. I had a lot to learn first. I still have a lot to learn. This is just the tip of the iceberg, my reading friends.
**It has been recommended to me by several friends over the years to write out all my online dating stories in a novel-type form. Apparently, they are pretty darn funny and even a little twisted. Maybe someday.
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