to find beauty

Why My Husband Is Awesome And Candy Crush is Evil

 

We had just turned out the lights, and were getting cozy in bed and I disturbed it all by grabbing my phone.

"No, no more games," my husband pleaded.

"Just one more, I gotta pass it!" I pleaded back. It's a curse, I tell you. The Candy Crush curse called Level 147. I've played it countless times since the end of July. More time has been spent manipulating those little bombs and hard jellies, than any good Christian woman would like to confess... or should confess, really.

A lot. Too many. Oh, its a sickness.

A couple weeks ago, I decided to google "Candy Crush Level 147 cheats." Anything to help! I had made the committment in mid-August to spend NOT another cent on any game. I deleted all my cards from my Google Wallet (to remove temptation), and its been me and the game. Solo. 

I needed to cheat. I needed help!

But people, I looked up and read all the tips and posts. I even watched some of the videos where people finished the level, proving two things: 1. it is possible 2. people are braggers.

Generally, all the  advice is to focus on the center column (check), watch out for bombs (check), use the special striped candies and the sprinkle donut (or whatever it is called) when available (check and check.) I learned about hitting the go-back button on my phone if the screen isn't to my liking, so the candies would reset. Other advice has you work from the bottom, or the sides, or just all over with your eyes-crossed while wearing a sombrero. Either way, its 50 moves of torture.

The tips weren't much help. I am still in Level 147 hell. And now I am writing about it. In public. Stop the madness!

So, last night when playing "just one more game," I asked my husband if he would pray for me. I think he thought for my sanity. 

But no, I was dead-serious. "Honey, will you pray that God will help me pass this level."

My husband is a great guy, and he loves me and Jesus a whole bunch. But even I wasn't sure if he would. Maybe he would tell me to delete the game? Ack! Not conquer it? Never!

But he did pray for me. And boy did he. He prayed so well, I just knew I would pass the game. It's not like I expected much. It's a game, but God is sovereign over ALL! That certainly includes time-sucker distractions like Candy Crush!

Alas, I am still trying. I know one day, I will proudly and loudly cheer and write on my Facebook "I DID IT! I PASSED LEVEL 147!" and people will shout hip-hip-horay and cry and congratulate. A banner will be flown above me: "You did it! You are awesome!"

I am never, ever overdramatic. But I do feel a little better now, and my lives have re-filled.

Thanks for letting me vent.

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Candy Crush

recalibration

Confession: I often have to tell myself to shut up.

More often than not lately, I find myself in these terrible moments where I am with people I respect (boss. friend. husband. etc.) and I can't for the LIFE of me get my message across (at least thats how it feels.)  I find myself frustrated, passionate, and defeated. I can see the frustration in their faces. Telling me to stop, listen, think. But all I can see and feel is a foggy mess of why aren't you listening? Why don't you trust me? Why don't you care for my reasons or ideas? Why don't you defend me?  I tell myself to stop. Refocus. Breathe. Recalibrate. 

What is the goal?

What is important?

Remind myself I still offer something valuable. 

Tell myself submission isn't a terrible thing even if it feels incredibly suffocating.

And I wonder - what am I doing? Why am I getting so enflamed about little things? I pray. God, give me strength. Give me a quiet, gentle spirit. Make me more like You, and less like this person that drives others crazy.

I read blogs from amazing women who seem to have so much wisdom and grace. I watch women at my church who seem to always be friendly and smiling and loving to others. Can I get some of that? I feel like Snow on Once Upon A Time right now, who just discovered black in her heart and she is afraid it will take over all her innate kindness. 

Lord, be with me and my mouth.

speaking up at chapel

Every Tuesday morning, the staff at Abundant Life Church meets for a time of worship, prayer and devotional teaching. 

And its my turn to share. The burning question:

What is God teaching me right now?

Easy, right? 

And yet I have no idea what I am going to say. So, I am cheating with going to my safety place: writing on my blog with the intent to read it out loud in the morning.

Don't judge.

I agreed to share in the first place because I had that weird pit-in-the-stomach feeling usually experienced in my days of academia when I knew deep down I needed to speak up during a discussion but worried and wondered if I was going to sound really stupid or naive.  You know that feeling? When you worry that others know way more than you or that you'll start stammering.

And I still worry. I mean, previous speakers at chapel have usually been the teaching pastors! Experienced guys who can poop out sermons without blinking! I joked with some of the office ladies about lowering the bar for others who may feel the call to share too. Truth be told, I don't think there should be a bar at all. 

We are all children of Christ. And God has given us all incredible stories to share of his love and faithfulness. Christ is doing good work in all of us! According to Ephesians 2:10, the God's Word translation: God has made us what we are. He has created us in Christ Jesus to live lives filled with good works that He has prepared for us to do. 

I don't know about you, but if God has paved the way for me share with others the crazy things He is doing in my life - I better do it! 

Still not quite sure what I am going to say, I talked to my husband about it. We've been married for six months, and we've been to two marriage conferences plus marriage mentoring so we are pretty much experts and have this married thing down, right? As we said very coolly in the 90s: not! We've experienced multiple changes in our jobs and ministries- together and separately - which I have to say, have been really tough. With Dave still looking for paid employment and waddling through old debt that ol' Dave Ramsey hasn't helped us escape completely yet, we are literally walking by faith to pay our bills, keep the car gassed up, and buy enough groceries to eat the 5-6 small meals recommended by our doctors to be healthy! Add walking, vitamins, proper sleep, ugh! I get worried about money and being healthy, and I remind myself what it says in the Bible about not worrying:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

(Actually, its quite interesting that if you think about it - worrying actually takes away life - yet we do it because there is lie in our human minds that analyzing and worrying is necessary.)

The bible continues:

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-33)

I like this passage, and I probably should read it every single day, at the hour!

Back to asking my dear husband what God is teaching him.  Dave's simple response: "He's teaching me how to be content. And since God usually speaks to the husband and the wife at the same, I think He's trying to teach that to you too."

Which is pretty interesting to me. Because the last thing I feel right now is content! I feel anxious and overwhelmed, exhausted and confused and, honestly, haven't been 100% well and excited for life since September. And I am busy! And when I am not busy, I am thinking about being busy! Focused on keeping up with my job here which keeps evolving, with laundry, with dishes in the sink, with feeding the cat which leads to a full litter box which needs to be cleaned out which leads to well, you get the point! Add learning how to be a good wife - cause I really am not an expert! - while still being a friend to those I care about! Sigh! So much!

I tell my thoughts to married friends - young and old - and they tell me it's all perfectly normal. And I know they are right on. 

If I really scanned my life right now, I see God doing some pretty great things. After months of wondering if my pastor husband will be a pastor again, He's been pursued and called to be a volunteer youth pastor at a small foursquare church in Milwaukie. 

And the man I married six months ago who loved Jesus so much and who loved more than anything to work with youth kiddos, is smiling again. 

That feels really good.

We visited the church last Sunday. And between the many breaks to hug and greet one another and the passionate words of the pastor calling out to the local church to get excited about being Christ's hand and feet... I felt my tired heart stir. It wasn't about reaching a million people with a new program that another church is already doing or worrying about a budget or fixing the printer or the process to get volunteers to stick or simply called in a reasonable time frame or lifegroup leaders trained with FellowshipOne or adding events to a calendar.... It wasn't about the millions of things that spin around in mind everyday, causing me to wonder if I am good enough or valued or if I am being enough to everyone. No, the pastor spoke from his heart and he was passionate about Jesus and the local church. 

Oh, I wanted that passion again. I wanted to be soaked like a sponge in the love of Jesus Christ. I wanted to be content in my work, in my service for the Kingdom of God. I wanted...

and then I remembered it wasn't about me. It wasn't even about Dave and I. Or the local church or the megachurch. None are bad, or wrong. Its about Jesus. And I don't know about you, but I am still figuring it all out. I can read books, listen to messages, serve until my body aches... I can be a Christian my whole life and commit to bible reading plans and praying with all the right words but when I look around - in my heart -  its about people who need Jesus. And that includes me.

So, in my thinking and praying and talking with God - I am learning that God wants me too. Me. Us. And He has interesting plans for me, plans He made, not plans I made. And if I want to do them wholeheartedly, as I aim to do always, I must seek Him first and humble myself to whatever it is.  Cause I am still learning, always learning!

There was a recent online buzz during the turn of the new year about adopting "one word" resolutions. I've been pondering what my one word should be. I thought of patience or humility. I contemplated change, transition or trust. 

And what I think I've settled on is Listen. Listen to God and His direction. Listen to Dave and his calling for him and our family, because I get to share in too!  Listen to those who share their story with me. And learn from their words, their story, which is ultimately Jesus's story. Literally, to sit down and shut up and listen to what God wants.

I read this to Dave, and asked him what he thought. He said it was good. I asked him what it needed. And he said: more scripture.

And while my pride blushes a bit with his very pastorly comment - and I feel like adding it now is like stuffing long quotes in a college research paper just to impress the prof...

So, I will add to my 2011 goals and hopes: listening and adding more Bible. 

 

the dark mud

I feel as though I am writing in hiding... the apartment is quiet except for the sound of the dishwasher and all is dark and nocturnal-feeling. And it's not even 11pm! For the first time in my married life, Dave has gone to bed before me.

So, alone in the dark quiet I type away.  My mind has been spinning the last couple weeks, which is exhausting. Sometimes writing helps clear my head to what is important. 

I just finished Anne Jackson's new book Permission to Speak Freely. I devoured it in two nights. The book was fantastic, and I challenge others to read it too. I'm too lazy to leave my cozy quietness to get the book (it's still by my bed) to quote from it, but a lesson that has been floating around in my head and heart since reading the book is this: What am I scared to say in church... or maybe just say out loud? Admit. Confess. Take claim over. How am I really feeling? Am I scared? What is to be afraid of? And, honestly, Cori, how is your relationship with Christ right now.

I'll be honest and confess one thing for now: I've been really angry lately. Angry and overwhelmed and exhausted and worried and busy and, sometimes I worry, a little depressed. 

I should note that I haven't been angry at Dave.

Really, I have everything I've ever wanted right now. I am married to an amazing man whom I love so, so much. We both love Jesus and church and helping others. We live in a home where our very basic needs are met. I have a wonderful family and a new family to get to know. And I have an amazing job, where I was just promoted to Office Support Director... I get to be the bossy boss! Scary! (That feels weird to me still.) It's what I've always wanted.

But little things are setting me off. I desperately want to be slow to anger, but sometimes... oh sometimes... I let my mind wander and wonder about all the things I feel that are unfair or out-of-my-control or just plain sad.  I give this anger permission to be ugly and confusing and mad.  And it settles in me like black mud. Weighing me down. Stealing my joy.

In the past, when I've felt this way I do strange things. I re-do my room. I cut my hair. I spend too much money. Watch too many movies. Dumb things. Escaping things.

And I do good things: I go on trips to the beach to think and pray. I have long conversations with trusted friends. I hug my cat. I listen to worship songs. I force myself to stop and let things sink in.  I evaluate: is this really that bad? What's the worse that can happen. 

I am a thinker. I am melancholy. My mind never stops. And somehow, I need to let go of this heaviness that has me tied down. 

I pray.

Confess. Forgive. Let go. Heal. Love. 

And I feel a little better.

I have so much to learn...

---

Dave must be awake, because he keeps calling out my name. No doubt, he's missing having me by his side. Strange how quickly you grow accustomed to sharing a bed.

 

 

155 days and no diet coke!

I've been "sober" now for about ten days now. On the 15th of February, I took my last sip of Diet Coke... and oh, it was fantastic.

Not for Lent. Not for health (though its a significant benefit.) But for Dave and for God and the Wedding. You could call it a fast before I walk down the aisle on July 30th.

I know, maybe its a little strange. But I wanted to give up something that I've loved and been addicted to for years and years and say: I don't need it. I only need You... and you.

Now, God's been good because I haven't had one caffeine withdrawal headache! I haven't had ANY caffienated pop! Just some Cherry 7-Up. Lots of tea. One coffee (yum!) Lots of water!

And I've realized maybe I was addicted. Because when do I want a Diet Coke the most? When I am stressed, upset, seeking comfort or a little buzz. Or, well, just about any time at all.

So, I think this sacrifice is a good thing.

And II wonder: can I do this for another 155 days? I miss my Diet Coke.

Yes, I can!

the soaps

Confession: I know my Soaps. I may not know Jesus' timeline at instant recall... but I certainly know the family tree for the Horton's and the Brady's (Days of Our Lives). I can tell you who's been married to whom on All My Children, and even my head spins at thinking of the drama that unfurls when Sonny goes "mob boss" on General Hospital.

My current favorite "stories" are on One Life to Live. Everyone is getting married right now! Relationships are twisted and tangled and mesy because, really, Nora should be marrying Bo! And, goodness, Gigi's sister needs to go back to Vegas like yesterday so Gigi can be with Rex, and they can live happily ever after.

I have a nigling suspicion that more of you than care to admit know just as much about the daytime drama as I. Blame it on the cold that kept you home from work and "it was the only thing on" (whatever makes you feel better) but I know I am not alone.

There are only four Soaps I pay attention to (perhaps four too many?), though, because of the line up of what's re-aired on Soapnet (hmm, do I need to confess this too?) sometimes I end up knowing more about The Young and the Restless than I would like... They're all so boring on that show... ugh! Who cares about art thieves and hostile big business takeovers!  (If you are a Y&R fan, I apologize. I really am intrigued by the Nina-Where's-Philip's-body-storyline.)

You really don't even need to watch the shows when they first broadcast -- between the web, Soapnet, and my mom: one is covered.

(Yes, I inherited "Soaps" from my mother.)

My first, favorite couple was Jack and Jennifer from Days of Our Lives. This was when I was nine. Yes, nine. Girls today have Hannah Montana, me: I had the cast of Days. I remember vividly a family vacation to Colorado Springs where I begged and pleaded my dad find a tv set on a certain day so I would not miss Jack and Jennifer's "Wild West Wedding." (Their first wedding.) Even now, I miss them on the show... and wish they'd come back -- Jenn's so-seriousness and Jack's ridiculous antics. Oh goodness. Seriously?!

I even remember (pretty darn clearly) the first time I saw a couple "making love" on tv (usually when people kissed on tv or in movies, I covered my eyes dramatically... sometimes I still feel the need.) It was traumatizing. It was on Days with Eve and Nick and I SAW EVE'S BLACK BRA! Shocking! I was so embarassed and ashamed, and it was several, SEVERAL years later when I told my mom about it (and she undoubtedly felt bad for polluting her daughter's mind.) You'd think I'd be more messed up now... shush.

My mom's favorite couple was Bo and Hope, also from Days. Though, I admit I was a Bo and Billie fan in the Lisa Rinna days. I mean, who knew if Hope was really Hope anyways-- until she could open the puzzle box, she was just Princess Gina-- I believe there was some art thievery involved with her too...

I remember Marlena's possession (scary yellow demon eyes!), when she returned from the dead, her off and on again love affairs with Roman and John as Roman and then with John and Roman again and then John... I think John just died too?... Before seriel killers hit Pine Valley every other month (how many people must die really?) and when Jason wasn't a mobster-- before the brain damage and he was just a nice Quartermaine boy. I remember Luke and Laura, can tell you the love song for Bo and Hope (Tonight, I celebrate my love to you...) and all of Sami's escapades--- and how she used to be a bigger girl and had a eating disorder-- but I read in real life, she stopped drinking diet Coke (or something) and lost a bunch of weight. And now she hosts Biggest Loser when she's not popping out babies for EJ or Lucas on her Soap job.

I can go on. I mean, that is the beauty of a good soap. The story never ends. There's always a plot twist: a twin, a switched lab result, a rising from the dead and a love story that captures the heart and imagination. Now, I don't know why after weeks of no posts, I sit down and type this confession. God has been doing some pretty crazy, exciting stuff in my life. Why not dwell on that? I haven't even watched tv- let alone Soaps- for weeks! Who has time! (Strangely, I still know what's going on... how is that possible?)

Maybe because my own life has seemed like a soap opera? With love brewing all around, my friend-boss leaving for the mission field (Hola Mexico City!), and frequent visits to the local hospital to visit a dear friend--where sadly the doctors and nurses are nothing like those in Port Charles. Seriously! And, of course, with the constant pace that begs for a commercial break. Is every month sweeps?

I know it's silly to get caught up in these fictitious stories... they aren't real, they fill your mind with unrealistic fantasy and suck your time that could be better spent, I don't know, reading the just-as-crazy-and-amazing stories from the Bible or spending time praying for and with friends in their own topsy-turvy lives.

Something to think about, I guess. In the meantime, what do you all think about Sonny and Olivia? (Kidding.)