to find beauty

just thinking...

Yes, I am well aware I have a monster summer reading list that I have barely touched, and yet, I went out and purchased two totally new books a couple weeks ago to add to the pile(s).

Sue me. I like books.

I could blame the Parkrose Campus worship pastor, Devon, because I had run into him at the bookstore, and he had some great recommendations. (Seriously, he has some incredible insights and reads a lot.) But then, I know I would have bought a book or two, regardless if I found a scapegoat with a crazy mustache.

What I ended up with:

1. Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God by Francis Chan
2. In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri Nouwen 

I first read Nouwen my freshman year of college. It was assigned reading in one of the Seattle Pacific core classes. I remember l-o-v-i-n-g the book. I read it cover to cover, underlined favorite passages, and vowed to save it forever. Something about the simple way he said really powerful things moved me. You'd think I'd read more of his books.

Nope.

Something about me (other than my massive library): I think a lot. StrengthFinder 2.0 says "input" is my third strength (preceded by strategic (1) and woo (2), followed by Empathy (4) and individualization (5).) Input suggests that I am inquisitive and that I like to collect things- including words, facts, information and quotes (uh... books?). You never know when something could be proven valuable. As I think and collect other's and my own thoughts on topics... it can get pretty overwhelming actually.

I've been thinking of leadership and the church and following Christ, and what it should really look like-- knowing in my heart that there is no cookie cutter format to follow... but realizing also how it easy it is to be sucked into the latest churchy-craze. Yeah, just a small topic. Nothing that Christian writers and speakers haven't touched on at all... I also recognize that every church has a culture of its own. What works at the baptist church down the street wouldn't work as well in the mega church, or vice versa. But we all love and desire to serve the same God.

So, I began with the prologue of In the Name of Jesus. But, barely finished with Nouwen's intro to why he wrote the book, I have to put it down. Already something grabbed my heart and mind and I needed to mull over what I just read:

The more willing I was to look honestly at what I was thinking and saying and doing now, the more easily I would come into touch with the movement of God's Spirit in me, leading me to the future. God is a God of the present and reveals to those who are willing to listen carefully to the moment in which they live the steps they are to take toward the future. "Do not worry about tomorrow," Jesus says. "Tomorow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34). (pg13)

Hmmm.

See what I mean. Makes you stop. I've read the passage in Matthew many times, and I thought I understood it so well. Don't worry, Cori, God's in control... Trust Him with what is to come. Worried about how to be leader in the church? Don't. Focus on what you are thinking and saying and doing now.

Leonard Sweet (if you don't know who he is, you should) has joined the social networking world: Twitter and Facebook, namely. (At least that's where I follow him, you can too: @lensweet.) And a couple weeks ago he tweeted something that I have also been mulling over since: instead of answering the famous Twitter question: "What Are You Doing?", he says we should be answering, "What is God doing?"

Yeah. I know. Wow. Simple yet powerful. Taking Nouwen's suggestion to stop and consider what is going on in your life and God's involvement in it all. Using popular modern technology to bring God back to the center. Promoting God and not ourselves.

If you are reading this post, this is what I want you to do: pause and ask yourself what God is doing in your life right now. In the present. Is he shaping you for something new or does He have His arms around you, holding you tenderly through a difficult time? Is He surprising you with great opportunity and adventure? Or maybe you don't see or experience Him at all. Maybe you are so wrapped up in the me-me-me of life that the evidence of God is clouded by the amiguous-everything-else-more-important. Or maybe you are just making it too hard.

Just thinking...

Okay, back to reading my many books.

fake mansion living + finished the divorce party

I am living in mansion. (really. but its not my mansion, of course.)

And I am all alone in this big, beautiful house except for a cat and two hamsters. I love it. Maybe I am introverted. Maybe the reason I have felt like a crazy woman these last couple weeks months is because I haven't had time to breathe. Alone. Maybe. (I think there is more to it. But nothing that an amazing summer can't cure.)

I am also purposely not turning the television on. So, its quiet and I can think and focus and am not tied down to the couch for half hour or one hour increments. I did miss Army Wives summer premiere. (I will survive.)

For about another week, I get to recline on their deck, cook in their incredible kitchen (okay, so the most I have done is pour a bowl of cereal so far) and read one of my many books cuddled in one of the many comfy chairs in the house. 

I finished The Divorce Party last night. Was up until 4am reading it. And I have to say, it was the page turner Kim Iverson from the Buzz 105.1 mentioned last week on her radio show. (Yes, I went out and bought after she raved* about it!) It was really sad- of course, divorce is sad. I am not sure what I think about the idea of having a "Divorce Party." I don't know if it offers closure or if just puts a pretty bow on something sad and lost. I, of course, have never been married, and divorce has only been felt from the pains of friends and family members. So, what do I know? It was just sad. 

Amazon has this review listed (and I feel too lazy to write something similar myself):

Laura Dave is widely recognized as an up-and-coming talent in women’s fiction. Now, with her characteristic wit and warmth, she captures a much-discussed cultural phenomenon that has never been profiled in fiction before—divorce celebrations. Set in Hamptons high society, The Divorce Party features two women—one newly engaged and one at the end of her marriage—trying to answer the same question: when should you fight to save a relationship, and when should you let go?

An insightful and funny multi-generational story, this deeply moving novel is sure to touch anyone whose heart has weathered an unexpected storm.

On a happier note: if "Huntington Hall" actually existed (where the most of the book took place), I'd really like to visit the old Victorian home in Mantauk overlooking the Atlantic Ocean... I would swing on the big swing and look out over the cliff and dream about my future too. It seems like a lovely thing to do.

*raved might be the wrong word. She was greatly upset over the book and how some of the storylines ended. I don't blame her.

Up next: sleep.

angry conversations with God

Sometimes when God works… it's not-so-mysterious.

Last Monday evening, I found myself with an hour or so to fritter away to my own carefree enjoyment. I set off to the local bookstore to peruse the aisles and find a new addition to the growing piles of books around my bedroom. I found Susan Isaac's "snarky but authentic spiritual memoir," Angry Conversations with God. Or maybe it found me?

It was the last copy on a display table filled with books about religion and spirituality. It stuck out. The title screamed for (my) attention. Angry conversations with God? Is this for real? The inside flap began: "I was raised Lutheran: Bible believing, Jesus-loving Lutheran. But as an adult I tried everything: Pentecostals, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Rock 'n' Roll Slacks for Jesus, Actors for Yahweh. Then I said, 'Screw it' and became a drunk and a slut. Well, a Lutheran slut—I slept with only two guys. Then I got sober and into AA, where they said I could pick whatever god I wanted. But I didn't pick God; God picked me. I've known Him as long as I can remember."

I was hooked. She continued to describe her problems as "middle-class white girls" and hinted at some pokes at the American "churchianity." I was definitely a white girl. (I wore a skirt today and my white legs are a testament to this fact!) And I've been a Christian for as long as I can remember. And I certainly know something about "churchianity."

Dave-Ramsey-Financial-Peace-cautions were pushed aside; I didn't even look at the price. I needed to read this book. This book promised something funny and fresh, and different than the books sitting in the piles. I have been wrestling with intimacy with God. I didn't know what the book would reveal about God and me… but I was willing to give it a go.

I wasn't let down. This book spoke to my soul. She shared her God story with the "snarky but authenticity" the cover promised. She was funny. She was real. The pages flew by. She shared of her frustrations and loneliness as a single woman. I related. She shared her annoyances with church-y phrases like "living life together" and I nodded emphatically. She shared her view of Jesus (wimpy) and God (angry) and I began to wonder about my own view of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit with an intimacy I haven't experienced in a long time. Not since the glory days of Uprising when worship was easy and lovely. I miss those days.

I can't do the book justice and I don't want to ruin it for anyone else who may read it. (Obviously I am recommending it.) So, I am not going to say anything more. Just that when I finished the last chapters, I was sitting at the community table at the local New Seasons grocery store (yes, this is another place I like to "hang") surrounded by others eating and chatting and I was crying. Yeah, I probably looked like a weirdo. But something very real within me was touched by her story.

I spend so much time doing things so other people can know Jesus. This is not bad. The mission of Abundant Life Church is to reach as many people as possible for Jesus Christ. As a staff person and member, this is my objective. I agree with it. I feel extremly honored to be where I am, doing what I get to do.

I think too often in the hustle and bustle of making sure a church event is pulled off, or whatever project I am working on, I forget too easily that before I reach others I need to make sure I am being reached. It's not selfish. It's not rude. It's not irresponsible. It's wise and good. And it's really, really hard for me. I don't know why. I don't know why I am afraid. If Susan's God was angry, mine is distant and hard to please. If Susan's Jesus was wimpy, mine is sad and frustrated with me. Both want a lot from me. They are demanding and exhausting. Yeah, they both love me, but I am their daughter, they have to… right?

Last Friday I was at the church office working on some projects, and I had my Angry Conversations with God book with me. A friend of mine who manages a Christian bookstore had asked I write a little review for his store. I had hoped to put something together for him after I clocked out when the church was quiet. My co-worker Val (who also doubles as my dating mentor, but that's a different story entirely) walks in my office space, sees the book at my desk, and says excitedly, "Oh my goodness Cori! I just watched this woman on KATU this morning! She's hilarious! She is reading from her book at Imago Dei tonight!"

I flipped out. I was so excited. I wanted to meet her, hear her story in her own voice. But then I remembered I had a conflict. I was already booked for a "play night" with a volunteer team from church. Yes, on a Friday night my plans are church-work related. I realized I had to make a decision between doing something I was already committed or something for my own personal, spiritual growth. This was actually a touch decision, and I begrudgingly admit I let my pastor-boss make the call for me.

Going to the book reading was about me and God and where I am in my own spiritual growth journey. I don't feel close to God. I feel neglected and a little angry. Okay, I feel pissed off. (I am not going to get into why here.) I feel tired all the time. I feel a little lost and lonely. I feel like a machine that needs to put things out constantly - workschoolpeoplehomeself - with no thought of how it gets fueled.  I am being a poor provider of my own soul care. And I don't want to be. I want to cry out to Jesus and ask him why the desires of my heart have been forgotten, for help, and I am scared to hear the answers. I don't want to be told I am doing anything wrong. I am stubborn. I don't want the expectations of others to define who I am supposed to be. I don't want to be fueled by the approval of others. I want to be confident and in love with my Creator, but when I cry out to Him my voice squeaks. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. I don't like hearing it. I stumble with my words. I'd rather hide and keep on being busy.

But something tells me, God doesn't mind my squeaks. He wants me to talk to him and cry with him. He sees the potential and passion in me that's good and wants me to see it too. At some point I had scribbled these words by Josh McDowell on a piece of paper and tacked it on my bulletin board: "A healthy self-image is seeing yourself as God sees you-no more and no less." Jesus wants to be my fuel because he isn't judging me—he loves me.

Sigh.

"If God really was good, then I had to let go of every expectation and every grudge. I could no longer defy him or manipulate Him. I might even have to let Him love me (page 224)."

This is obviously a process, and I am not going to solve everything within this post. I want to be honest with others and myself (or try to), and was reminded at the book reading that I need to write these feelings out. It's one of the tools God has given me to learn and grow. Maybe not always on a public blog! But I also believe that when we write for others (like blogs are) we are writing for others to see their own self in our words and experiences. So, I will continue to write.

bald men and birthday present idea #1

I found it. What could possibly be the most perfect birthday present in book form ever for moi (excluding the next Outlander-Gabaldon book which comes out sometime in 2009!)

How did I discover such a remarkable find? So, while checking my hotmail and perusing the msn.com site there was a link promising to tell-all about dating a bald man. Understandably, this is a criticial article for me to read.  *insert sarcasm wink here* You can't tell me that none of you would want to read about the joy of stroking a newly shaved bald head on your honey-bunches (if he were in fact bald.)  (If you are tempted -- who wouldn't be??-- sneak a peek and click here.)

So, how did I go from the praise of bald men to the wonderful book I so covet that has nothing to do with lack of hair or even men? At the end of the article, the author and her credentials are listed:

Nina Malkin is the author of An Unlikely Cat Lady: Feral Adventures in the Backyard Jungle.

Of course, I immediately googled this book. (The beauty of google.) Anyone who has a thing for baldies AND cats, is A++ in my book.

Anyways, the book, An Unlikely Cat Lady: Feral Adventures in the Backyard Jungle, sounds hilarious. (If you click on the link, google provides excellent info on the book.) And not only does the cover feature a black-and-white cat that looks close enough to my own black-and-white cat, Elwood, which in of itself is often reason enough for me to make a purchase (Hmmm.) BUT the book is about a woman who deals with the judgement of being a Cat Lady (when in all honesty and from what I have read so far) she is... though, (and what makes me excited) is she isn't the stereotypical Cat Lady. I bet when I read the book I will discover she's really cool and funny and compassionate and my own insecurities of being dubbed a cat lady will be eased.

I will probably buy it for myself tonight (or tomorrow night) on amazon.com, so any hint that it would be an actual birthday present from one of my darling friends is just a clever way for me to remind you my birthday is coming up in like 53 days or so. (For those too lazy to count on a calendar - I don't blame you - it's August 28th and I will be 28!)

Not so sure I can wait 53 days read about feral cats invading one's backyard.

Maybe I probably will buy it "as a present from Elwood." Hmm. That might be a supportive evidence that I am, in fact, a Cat Lady. Athough according to a popular belief amongst good friends, further evidence is not really required.

[I hope no one is disappointed that this post was mostly about my cat lady rep (reason #57) and not about a bald birthday stripper or something scandalous.]

His will...forever and ever and ever...

I have a lot of books, many of them on my shelf , full of hope and intention of reading... someday. One book I have been picking up and starting and stopping for years is an older book called Dancing With Broken Bones: Blessed Are the Broken in Spirit for God Can Make Them Whole by David Swartz. I read it in sections, and usually I feel like God placed that paragraph, that chapter in my life at that time for a reason.Today, I picked the book up, and my eyes went directly to this paragraph (pg86),

...some of us are zealous to know God's Will, but only as one of many options. The willing spirit, on the contrary, is passionate to obey God regardless of the circumstances or outcome. Such an obedient attitude is the mark of real maturity and a prerequisite to knowing God's will. But we can twist that around by wanting to know God's will just so we can evaluate it alongside our other options. We'll decide in favor of God's will as long as it is serves our selfish ends better than the course we've already chosen. This is exactly why so many Christians are retrained by self-inflicted mediocrity. Living as if we had authority and competence to weigh God's will in the balance by withholding obedience is sheer, arrogant sin. We trust ourselves way too much.

I don't know about you, but this struck a chord with me. How many times have I been guilty of this "sheer, arrogant sin?" Many times, no doubt. I have been hit lately over and over with the reality of how selfish I am. And how that selfishness gets in the way of the amazing things God is doing around me. When I take the blinders off, I see people being changed and renewed in the holy spirit. I see people loving others, with no conditions, no motives. Choosing to work on a church staff, as I was reminded this afternoon, means giving up some of that freedom others have in walking in a church, without questions, tasks for the work week being thrown at them from every angle... (okay, so sometimes I actually THRIVE on that stuff!) instead I get to be in the front seat watching God do amazing things in the lives of others. Its crazy to me to think God's will for me may be to be single, working in the church, serving and loving the young adults forever and ever... but I also know that this is my season... and I should ride the ride and trust Him.

so... a bit later on i was reading through my new devotional book The One Year Daily Grind after I wrote this post... and of course, the verse of the day is totally God-timed! It was:

Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. -Isaiah 55:6-9

she likes it! she really does!

Okay, so one of my dearest friends Ang, has- over the years- given me a very hard time for my love of time-travel romances (movies, books..). (hmm) Anyways, at the discovery of one of the best series ever: Outlander by Diana Gabaladan, I recommended the very addicting books to Ang and she refused to read them! I still loaned them to her, and she had all the books in her possession for months! For the record, Ang is very much a reader.

Then she got married. And guess what? I loaned the books to her hubby Jeremy and he loves them! (as he should!)

And then I get this email: (as they are in Mexico on vacation)

From: Angelina Littrell
Sent: Monday, December 10, 2007 7:33 PM
To: Cori Fisher
Subject: hey missy
Hey cor, How are you? We are having a good time in Mazatlan. it has been rather hot and humid but aside from that it is beautiful. we have been reading a lot. i am in the middle of the first outlander book and jeremy is about the same in the second book. i really like it.

... and the email continues...

Okay, so I added the bold and underlined words for emphasis! But oh I want to dance around and sing: "I knew it! I knew it! You like it! I knew it!"

Very mature, I know.

I have contained myself from the dancing, by the way.

coolest news ever for a big book nerd like me

Okay, I was given the best link ever (thanks Korrin). It reveals amazing news that not only is my favoite series (bypassing maybe even Sweet Valley High... maybe) going to have a SEVENTH book - who knows when exactly (the author will be done end of 2008), but it won't even be the last! Yes, the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon will continue! I will be able to lose myself in the time-traveling adventures of Jamie and Claire and their children... oh, this is like, the coolest news ever for a big book nerd like me. This must be what it feels like when the Harry Potter fans or Star Wars people camp out for the next book or movie sequel? Joy mixed with anticipation mixed with peace that you will be reunited with characters who seems so real.. oh I am excited. only a year or two to wait. ;)

Those of you also hooked as well- you better leave me a comment expressing your shared joy!! I know I am not alone in my Outlandish nerdiness.

For those needing to know more, click here.