if you told me... (warning: i cry.)

If you had told me a year ago that I'd be planning a wedding now. I would have laughed.

If you had told me that I'd be crying as much as I have since Dave and I started seriously-dating, I wouldn't have believed you either. My idealism would have argued that after years of waiting for my prince to come, I wouldn't be sad. Ever!

I am not sad though, about Dave at least. Being in a relationship. Getting engaged. Planning a wedding. Envisioning a new life ahead:

It's wonderful. I love it. I love the boy. He's wonderful. I am happy.

But it's so freakin' emotional.

When Dave asked my dad for his blessing: I was an emotional mess. Nervous. Excited. Years of father wounds surfacing and hitting my heart like ocean waves on the sand. Relentless. It was so much to take in.

And tears helped me through. Happy tears. Scared tears. Comforting, big soppy wet tears.

It's weird being so happy, so in love, so excited for the future... and so easily able to cry.

I feel like such a girl.

Go figure.

I cried today. A couple times, really. I won't get into all of the causes, except the one that had me crying like a big baby last night, choking my throat and stinging my eyes, and continued to make me cry - if I let myself think about it - today. The same reason I started crying at Gustav's over sausage and cheese fondue with Dave mid-January. The same reason I cried in Dave's car one night months ago.

My cat Elwood.

Goodness. I may cry again.

Here's the deal: I love my cat. Call me Cat Lady until you are blue in the face, but I love my cat. When I was depressed and ready to drive my car into a tree (dark times my college years): I held my cat Emme (Elwood's mama) close to me at night and cried into her fur. She was my comfort. I practically tricked and lied to my college room mates to even get her into our apartment. But I needed a cat. When she died, oh gosh, it was really hard.

But she left me beautiful, mischievious kittens. Four of the five... well, I don't know where they are today. Sometimes one of them, Eddie, miraculously appears. But I still have Elwood. Since May of 2004, Elwood has been my baby.

I know he's a cat. A furball, fleaball. But Since 2004, a lot has happened in my life. I left school, I went back to school 5 years later. I was a nanny for 12 kids (a crazy summer!) I found myself cleaning toilets and doing someone else's laundry: humbling. I filed bankruptcy, after a year or so of desperately working with angry frustrating bill collectors.

I've made wonderful friends. I've found a church I love. I've worked in ministries I love. I went on a mission trip. I fought with friends. I made up with friends. I had my heart broken.

So much and more.

All the time, I had Elwood by my side. Cuddling with me at night. Whining for food. Peeing on my new rugs. But mostly, letting me hold him as I cried or was mad or whatever.

I love my cat. And he's quite attached to me. He's the best cat ever.

And I am facing the reality that when I get married, and when I move out, Elwood can't come with me.

Oh gosh. Don't cry, Cori.

I don't know how to deal with it. Because I love Dave. And I love the life we are planning. I don't want a cat to dictate my life and future. I don't want my cat to out-beat a wonderful man who loves me and wants to marry me. Who also will hold me when I cry and tell me everything will be ok. Not in meows either. But in real words.

But I want Elwood with me damnit. I don't want to leave him at my parents. I don't want someone else feeding him Friskies when he cries really loud or letting him my bedroom window when he scratches at the glass. Oh gosh! What if no one lets him in? What if he cries and cries and no one hears him?

Too late. I am crying again.

Am I being pathetic? This sadness I feel about leaving Elwood hurts so bad. Even if I can still visit him. He's not dying.

I pray that God will give me peace. That I can be okay with not having a cat because I will have a husband. You'd think I wouldn't look at the countdown to my wedding (148 days) and not think of it as the countdown to when I won't have a cat anymore on the end of my bed.

Instead I will have a happy man. Hmmmmm. ;)

I don't want Dave to feel bad either. He loves Elwood too. But where we will be living, Elwood can't come. And where we will be living is where Dave's job is.

Heck, one of the biggest reasons I've lived with parents for the past 6 or so years is because I refused to move without Elwood.

Okay, I know there are way more important things in the world. Like poverty. Earthquakes. Wars. And I am probably being a drama queen.

And I know I love Dave more than my cat.

I just don't know how to not be sad about this new life being cat-less. I don't know if it's even okay for me to write about this, because I don't want anyone to think I am crazy. But this is one thing that is tearing up my heart. And I want to be honest, even at the risk of the Cat Lady name-calling.

If you told me now that in a year, I wouldn't cry at the mention of not having Elwood with me.. I would laugh.

And the laugh might be a good change from the tears.

Comments

[danielle]

oh cori, i understand more than you know, especially about happy times ending up to be crazy emotional times. god gave people like us cats for a reason: they are such a blessing. i had a couple of similar experiences where i had to get rid of huckleberry earlier than i was expecting too and i cried myself to sleep. then, when we moved into our new apartments, we weren't allowed to take her then. again, lots of crying (i seriously wondered if ministry was worth giving up my cat). and then, our apartment managers said we could have a cat as long as they didn't know about it (turns out they smuggled in their own feline friend). anyways, all this to say that you are not crazy and jesus loves cats too but he loves you even more and i personally love it that you can be so honest.

[Cori]

Thanks Danielle. Your understanding helps more than you know. I feel so silly, really, getting so emotional about everything. I know other friends who have had to move to other states when they got married, or heck other cities even!- and it was hard to leave family, friends, comfort and the familiar. I will still be close to friends, family, my favorite grocery store. I don't want to play the "comparison game" to belittle my feelings either, so its hard. I will just trust Jesus with it all... and know that even if I feel very vulnerable right now, others have made it, with or without a cat. Heck, some crazy people don't even like cats!

[Megan]

Oh Cori... cry if you want to :) I am most definitely not a cat person, but I was (and may some day be again) a horse person... but they couldn't come and live with us in the apartment in California. It was hard... so, so hard. It may be the late pregnancy hormones, but I'm crying about it again right now. Truthfully, while the love you have for an animal can't compare with the love you have for your child, it was the absolute closest thing I knew at the time. I felt like I was abandoning them, my kids. Be gentle with yourself about this. God gave you the sensitive heart you have for a reason :)

[Cori]

Thank you Megan! I love what you said about being gentle with myself. Almost like allowing oneself to go through the natural grieving process. I am sure my emotions are nutso too. Dave's been great dealing with me crying all the time. I know he wishes he could fix it all and make it all better.

I remember when you moved to California, and thinking specifically about you and the horses and how it would be hard to be separated. I am sorry you had to cry again! Thanks for the encouraging words Megan and I am so excited for your new little one!

[lindsay]

Cori..
First of all, I'm so excited that you guys are going to cook for a date night! Those are alway smy favorite dates. Its just so nice to work on a meal together and then sit down and enjoy it. If you've never been to Tastespotting.com , its a great resource filled with TONS of recipes. You'll find something unique for sure.

Second of all. Oh my gosh, I would flip out if I had to get rid of my cat penelope. I often wondered what would happen if I had married someone that is allergic to cats. I moved my cat up with me from California. Just her and I, in a car for 3 days. She's been my saving grace as I struggled with sadness and wondering if I was supposed to be in Portland. Anyway, I feel your pain. Its not stupid at all. I would be a total wreck if I had to give her up. It hasn't happened yet, but you never know what life will throw at you!