I've been mulling over the role of spiritual leader in a family, or in a couple relationship, periodically this summer. Not just because I am now enjoying the wonderful benefits of a great, Godly man in a dating relationship, but as I look around in my worlds - the church, friends and family, the community, large and small - I see different calls to action being asked in leading the family unit and I wonder who is taking the lead. Is it a man thing? A shared duty? Does one parent end up taking more on... and is that fair? Right? Just the way it is?
I am not claiming any one opinion. I'm just thinking... Feel free to bust in.
I should also mention that I begin a "Sociology of the Family" class next week. I am gearing up!
I've also been observing the relationships of my friends. Who intiates prayer in the relationship? Is there consistent prayer in the relationship, in the family? Who chooses the church they attend? The ministries they serve in? Is there a difference in how spiritual leadership is seen in my peer-group couple friends compared to those who are a little older? That's just the beginning...
I see some friends fighting for the type of family that women before the big feminist movements were so unhappy about - I based this generalization on my readings from my Marriage and Power class from last Fall. Dad works, mom stays home with the kiddos. Not so classic anymore as the definition of the family has changed over the years. Who provides the security, stability, direction and foundation of faith?
I see friends happy as clams sharing the making dinner and bathroom cleaning duties. There is a partnership in how they get things done. While sometimes only the dude works, sometimes both works. Respect comes out when one another looks to the other's strengths and weaknesses and either sacrifices for the other (like cleaning the bathoom when both hate it) or letting the guy drive (because he really likes it.) (I am learning the latter right now...)
I know there is no cookie cutter pattern for a family. Some families purposefully meet together to read the Bible, pray, have dinner together every week, or every day. At Abundant Life Church, Family Ministies launched a new curriculum called Fusion to help families bond together during the week, to join the church and the family in teaching kids about Jesus. I love reading different people from ALC share Facebook posts about how they are prioritizing Fusion in their family.
I look at my own family, and I see two parents who still love each other and are committed to each other, despite many hardships. We never had Fusion, and our bonding was mostly while watching tv - particularly the Cosby Show - while eating Burgerville cheeseburgers and tomato soup.
When I look at my parents, and try to figure out who the spiritual leader is in my home, of course I say Dad, its how I was raised to think and he does lead the family... but I also look at my mom and I know if it wasn't for her strength, prayers, and committment to my dad... our family wouldn't be what it is... a little dysfunctional and not-quite-the-Cosby's, but we love each other. We'd do anything for each other.
Like many Christian girls, I was raised to look at the men I dated and ask the big questions. Does he love the Lord? Does he actually go to church, serve and love others? (Y'know act out what he professes.) Does he have the potential to be a spiritual leader in my family, with me? Is he accountable to others in his actions; does he have a mentor?
It's a lot to ask. That's why we pray for God's guidance and provision.
I knew things would be different with Dave... and it freaked me out. Here is this guy who on paper is everything I had hoped and prayed for. He loved the Lord, in fact, he had committed his life to loving God and loving people. We both had a heart of Nicaragua, which is pretty crazy in of itself. He not only reads the Bible, but he teaches the Bible to young kiddos. He was passing all the spiritual leader tests. I can't remember all the little things... they just kept piling up to one big thing in my heart and mind: I needed to let go of my fears and trust this one. He was pretty darn wonderful.
So, one Sunday night towards the end of July, I sat in a recliner chair with my laptop. Dave and I had been out several times, and I believe we were chatting on the phone too. I was bound and determined to pull up my sleeve and reveal a little of my heart. I was also watching the movie Nim's Island, which if you've seen it, you know its about letting go of fears and living a life of adventure... and its a movie for 12-year olds. I had told Dave a couple weeks prior, that while I liked him, I was only comfortable with friendship. I know! What was I thinking? I was thinking I was scared.
But... I didn't want him to become another platonic friendship either because I was too scared to be open, to be a little bold. So, with the adventures of Alex Rover (from the movie) cheering me on, I composed an email telling him how I was feeling... and that I needed him to be patient with me as I got used to everything and to him... that I knew he was an awesome guy, and I wanted to get to know him better. It was a "green light" email.
And, even though it was after 1am (which is usually always a mistake), I sent it. And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
It felt like forever before I heard from him; he called me after work the next day. (Less than 20 hours later, but who's counting?)
I remember talking to him that Monday night, on the super-cool, red chair at the Strannigan's home (which will soon be my home!!), listening to his voice and hearing him speak of patience and a desire for our relationship to be centered on God. I listened and I was floored.
Was this really happening?
He asked if he could pray for me; if he could always pray for me when we spoke on the phone. I nodded... then realized he couldn't see me nodding, and said yes.
And then he prayed for me. And again, I felt the hard, protective stuff around my heart chip away. I was still scared, but I felt like I just did something really brave and wonderful. I also felt something really wonderful happening... I felt safe and special and cared for because it was just as important to him that our relationship be centered on God.
The next day, he emailed me back. But he called me before I read it... and he prayed again for me to have an open mind and heart when I read his email (this actually made me a little nervous and suspicious), and we talked again about how we felt towards each other.
In his email, he reminded me that sometimes it takes a leap of faith like Peter and knowing God will always be there. He told me I was worth the wait, that I was special and lovely and more precious than diamonds. He called me Proverbs 31 woman (which I admit my small group ladies and I looked up that week to read up on...) He made me feel like a princess.
I know it was several weeks later before Facebook officially confirmed we were in a relationship and before Dave and I talked about being "boyfriend and girlfriend" with each other... but for me... this was "when". These emails of letting go and putting God as numero uno in our relationship, this was when things changed for me. It's when I knew in my heart, this man would be spiritual leader. And the whole "love is a choice" thing is pretty true when you make the choice to open and vulnerable to something - to someone- new. And while I still had many fears to overcome, I knew he was safe. I knew he would be praying for me, for us, and for those we cared for.
Cori! I can't even believe how amazingly wonderful this whole thing is. It's a beautiful story, and I would say that you are really lucky, but obviously it is God and not luck that brought you two together.
I am SO happy for you!
Posted by: Alyssa | Sep 21, 2009 at 07:40 AM