to find beauty

spiritual leader man

I've been mulling over the role of spiritual leader in a family, or in a couple relationship, periodically this summer. Not just because I am now enjoying the wonderful benefits of a great, Godly man in a dating relationship, but as I look around in my worlds - the church, friends and family, the community, large and small - I see different calls to action being asked in leading the family unit and I wonder who is taking the lead. Is it a man thing? A shared duty? Does one parent end up taking more on... and is that fair? Right? Just the way it is?

I am not claiming any one opinion. I'm just thinking... Feel free to bust in.

I should also mention that I begin a "Sociology of the Family" class next week. I am gearing up!

I've also been observing the relationships of my friends. Who intiates prayer in the relationship? Is there consistent prayer in the relationship, in the family? Who chooses the church they attend? The ministries they serve in? Is there a difference in how spiritual leadership is seen in my peer-group couple friends compared to those who are a little older? That's just the beginning...

I see some friends fighting for the type of family that women before the big feminist movements were so unhappy about - I based this generalization on my readings from my Marriage and Power class from last Fall. Dad works, mom stays home with the kiddos. Not so classic anymore as the definition of the family has changed over the years. Who provides the security, stability, direction and foundation of faith?

I see friends happy as clams sharing the making dinner and bathroom cleaning duties. There is a partnership in how they get things done. While sometimes only the dude works, sometimes both works. Respect comes out when one another looks to the other's strengths and weaknesses and either sacrifices for the other (like cleaning the bathoom when both hate it) or letting the guy drive (because he really likes it.) (I am learning the latter right now...)

I know there is no cookie cutter pattern for a family. Some families purposefully meet together to read the Bible, pray, have dinner together every week, or every day. At Abundant Life Church, Family Ministies launched a new curriculum called Fusion to help families bond together during the week, to join the church and the family in teaching kids about Jesus. I love reading different people from ALC share Facebook posts about how they are prioritizing Fusion in their family.

I look at my own family, and I see two parents who still love each other and are committed to each other, despite many hardships. We never had Fusion, and our bonding was mostly while watching tv - particularly the Cosby Show - while eating Burgerville cheeseburgers and tomato soup.  

When I look at my parents, and try to figure out who the spiritual leader is in my home, of course I say Dad, its how I was raised to think and he does lead the family... but I also look at my mom and I know if it wasn't for her strength, prayers, and committment to my dad... our family wouldn't be what it is... a little dysfunctional and not-quite-the-Cosby's, but we love each other. We'd do anything for each other.

Like many Christian girls, I was raised to look at the men I dated and ask the big questions. Does he love the Lord? Does he actually go to church, serve and love others? (Y'know act out what he professes.) Does he have the potential to be a spiritual leader in my family, with me? Is he accountable to others in his actions; does he have a mentor?

It's a lot to ask. That's why we pray for God's guidance and provision.

I knew things would be different with Dave... and it freaked me out. Here is this guy who on paper is everything I had hoped and prayed for. He loved the Lord, in fact, he had committed his life to loving God and loving people.  We both had a heart of Nicaragua, which is pretty crazy in of itself. He not only reads the Bible, but he teaches the Bible to young kiddos. He was passing all the spiritual leader tests. I can't remember all the little things... they just kept piling up to one big thing in my heart and mind: I needed to let go of my fears and trust this one. He was pretty darn wonderful.

So, one Sunday night towards the end of July, I sat in a recliner chair with my laptop. Dave and I had been out several times, and I believe we were chatting on the phone too. I was bound and determined to pull up my sleeve and reveal a little of my heart. I was also watching the movie Nim's Island, which if you've seen it, you know its about letting go of fears and living a life of adventure... and its a movie for 12-year olds.  I had told Dave a couple weeks prior, that while I liked him, I was only comfortable with friendship. I know! What was I thinking? I was thinking I was scared.

But... I didn't want him to become another platonic friendship either because I was too scared to be open, to be a little bold. So, with the adventures of Alex Rover (from the movie) cheering me on, I composed an email telling him how I was feeling... and that I needed him to be patient with me as I got used to everything and to him... that I knew he was an awesome guy, and I wanted to get to know him better. It was a "green light" email.

And, even though it was after 1am (which is usually always a mistake), I sent it. And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

It felt like forever before I heard from him; he called me after work the next day. (Less than 20 hours later, but who's counting?)

I remember talking to him that Monday night, on the super-cool, red chair at the Strannigan's home (which will soon be my home!!), listening to his voice and hearing him speak of patience and a desire for our relationship to be centered on God. I listened and I was floored.

Was this really happening?

He asked if he could pray for me; if he could always pray for me when we spoke on the phone. I nodded... then realized he couldn't see me nodding, and said yes.

And then he prayed for me. And again, I felt the hard, protective stuff around my heart chip away. I was still scared, but I felt like I just did something really brave and wonderful. I also felt something really wonderful happening... I felt safe and special and cared for because it was just as important to him that our relationship be centered on God.

The next day, he emailed me back. But he called me before I read it... and he prayed again for me to have an open mind and heart when I read his email (this actually made me a little nervous and suspicious), and we talked again about how we felt towards each other.

In his email, he reminded me that sometimes it takes a leap of faith like Peter and knowing God will always be there. He told me I was worth the wait, that I was special and lovely and more precious than diamonds. He called me Proverbs 31 woman (which I admit my small group ladies and I looked up that week to read up on...) He made me feel like a princess.

I know it was several weeks later before Facebook officially confirmed we were in a relationship and before Dave and I talked about being "boyfriend and girlfriend" with each other... but for me... this was "when". These emails of letting go and putting God as numero uno in our relationship, this was when things changed for me. It's when I knew in my heart, this man would be spiritual leader. And the whole "love is a choice" thing is pretty true when you make the choice to open and vulnerable to something - to someone- new. And while I still had many fears to overcome, I knew he was safe. I knew he would be praying for me, for us, and for those we cared for.

first dates

My grand plan was to write about the night Dave and I first met for my next post.

Like two weeks ago I was supposed to write this post...

But I've been a little preoccuppied lately actually dating the guy than to write about him - I am also packing for the Big Move (!!), prepping for Fall Launch at church/work, and countless other exciting little things (like turning 29)! Go figure! So, I realize this post is long overdue... but I promise I've got some good, fairly embarassing posts just ready to be written... patience my lovely, (G-rated) voyeuristic friends. *wink*

(I just Googled "voyeur", so I had to add the G-rated part.)

We met on Tuesday, June 30th, exactly one month after our first emails to each other. And we didn't even plan that, it was actually organized by our dear friends: Mel & Chris, Ashlee & Tim, who I very much doubt realized it was our pseudo one month anniversary of being in communication... and it was like the only night that would work for all parties.

I was going to write in the post that is long overdue... about how he and I both texted to each other words of how nervous we were before meeting at the sushi restaurant. (Our first meeting was a group date, which meant we'd have audience, which for me = instant nervousness.) Knowing he was nervous too, made me feel less nervous.

I could write about how when we sat at the table- him sitting at the head of the table, me on his right, our nervous personalities came out in full force: me talking too much, him quiet. (He was never quiet when we talked on the phone, so I had to assume this was a nervous thing.)

(Side note: I was told once by my dad that I scare off guys by talking too much when I am nervous. Fathers, this is not great advice to give your daughter right before she leaves for a date, btw. A girl should feel safe to be who she is, chatterbox and all.)

I could share about when Tim, Dave's friend, pulled out a special gift for Dave during dinner,  a gift saved especially for this memorable momentous occassion to give to him (in front of me, of course).

It was a plastic dog poop key chain.

Dave was pretty darn embarassed too. I wondered in my very Cori-like way, what could I say to make him not feel embarassed, when in reality, I'd be just as embarassed if it was me. But I had been warned Tim was a prankster (and he didn't disappoint!) and my understanding is that these sorts of pranks are indicative of true, brother-like friendship.

Right?!

I could also write about how we walked to the gelato shop (Alotto Gelato on 23rd St.) after the sushi (me in my very awkward, yet very sexy new shoes, that very quickly came off as soon as I got in the car on the way home!) and how Dave bought me a cup of chocolate frosted yellow cake gelato (which was absolutely delicious.) And Mel (who was also on the group date), gave him a thumbs up behind his back... 

I could also write that he texted me later that night asking to meet me for coffee the next week at Cafe Delirium. Which became dinner at The Ram that weekend (we talked for over four hours! and then him meeting a handful of friends at a barbeque I planned (so he can meet my friends, of course) a week or so later... they all gave him thumbs up too!

You could say things were developing nicely... Even though I felt nervous and awkward and tentative, oh, and guarded. This was all so, so new to me, and I needed to take a leap of faith.

But I will get into that... next.