to find beauty

want to be on my personal staff?

Let's play pretend.

I have unlimited financial resources and the only thing impeding the reality of my dreams is that I am not dreaming big enough.

What would I do? This is half serious, half just-for-fun.

I'd create my own nonprofit. Now, I am still fuzzy on what and who it'd help. I have a lot of ideas in my head and heart. It'd need to be a catalyst for social change. And Jesus would need to be involved. A lot. It would be organic and creative with really cute/cool logos and would use social media in innovative and beautiful ways. It would be always moving and adapting yet would be steady and consistent and would achieve excellence in its intentions. (I like to do things with excellence in mind.) We'd have a simple vision. A viable and vivacious vision. Part of our work would be engaging others in relationships involving a lot of laughter and listening . I wouldn't be sitting at a desk all day. I would be relating to people in the community, in churches, in the grocery store. BUT FOR WHAT? And how is this so different than what I get to do now for the church?

Maybe the tied to the desk part? I think I actually like being tied to a desk, if I am honest with myself. When I was in 3rd grade, I told my teacher, Mrs. Burkett, when I grew up I wanted to work in an office with my own desk. She asked what'd I do in the office, and I gave her a very blank look back. I just wanted my own desk and office supplies. Did it really matter what I did in the office?

NERD!

Anyway... so other than the nonprofit idea... I would hire my own personal staff.

Yes. I have thought very seriously about this all week. Yes, all week. I have specific jobs I would need filled as well.

Personal Photographer: Not of me- ugh! Maybe some of me doing things... I have so many fun ideas for fun photography projects for work or my blog or for no reason at all. However, I am not a photographer. I never learned beyond point and click. It's too late by any means. But yeah, I think I'd like a personal photographer at my disposal.

Graphic Artist: Yes, I know again, I could learn these skills with time and practice. I already know enough to get by, but I would love someone (a very talented someone) who could help me with all the fun projects I have in mind. All the logos I need for work and projects. Oh! The graphic artist would have to be skilled in web design. Sigh, maybe I need to invest some time into this area, so I can do all the things I want to do for all these "fun projects" myself. There is not enough time in the world to do it all!

Cat Caretaker: Okay, so I know this is silly. I mean, I will be the one holding and cuddling my cat! But I really, really hate litter boxes. I mean, it is a crappy job. So, yes, someone who would be totally in charge of the litter boxes. Yes, that's about it. Any takers? (Didn't think so.)

Personal Massage therapist: Hello? Who doesn't want this? It'd be best if they had some chiropractic training.

My own accoustic guitar serenader: Yes, I would love personal concerts. Not quite John Mayer Body-is-a-Wonderland-- think more like the guy in the movie Once. Or when James Blunt during his piano concerts. (I saw one once on OPB.) (Okay, so if you type in "James Blunt on piano" on youtube its feast of guys playing the you're beautiful song on piano... not quite the same as Mr. Blunt though.)

Piano player would be fine too. Or any instrument really. Drums! Guys who plays drums: very cool. Yeah. It has to be guy. Hmmm. I can help with lyrics. I'd love to write lyrics! Oooh, I should add this to my Things To Do Someday list: write lyrics for a song and then hear someone play it. Good idea!

Oh, and if he was a comfortable leading worship: even better! We could have worship nights at the non-profit.

Personal chef. Especially someone who would have breakfast ready in the morning for me (I never have time) and a healthy, yummy lunch for me to bring to work. I can make dinner. I am not completely helpless.

I would add personal groomer to the list, but I feel awkward about it. Someone to do my hair in the morning when I just don't feel like it, yes, that would be nice.  It's also a bit ridiculous. After all,  what are hats for if not to hide bad hair days?

An editor would be handy too. Someone to read these blogs when I am done with the creative process, and then edit them kindly so I am not presenting myself as a total weirdo... or a weirdo with bad grammer skills. Even worse!

Y'know, the more I brainstorm and write things down... the more I realize all of these things could easily be fulfilled by MYSELF ... or talented, generous friends... or a really nice, very cool husband. *wink wink*

Honestly! I went from an idea to get something started for social change and the result is a series of things I want for me-me-me. Tsk, tsk. It was fun to dream.

moms and treasure boxes

I save... everything. I don't necessarily consider it pack-rat worthy. Maybe just... loyal. Extremely loyal to my memories. I also blame my mom for this quirky, space-consuming habit...

When I was little (like 4th or 5th grade) I would sneak into my mom's old boxes in the corners of the attic. Opening those boxes were like opening treasure chests because inside were mushy poems about boys penned by my mom(!!), her super-fan, super-obsessive photo collections starring Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge (I suppose my own collages on Keanu Reeves aren't much better...), and a report on Charles Manson.

Okay, so the report was a little creepy to read through. (He was creepy.)

But the other report on "Women's Health" taught me a lot about the mysteries of being a woman... Though, it lacked the exciting details a curious little kid was looking to find! The book mom gave me later on... The Christian Girl's Guide to Becoming a Woman wasn't much help either.  I suppose that's why God gave us friends as we grow up who seem to know everything... Haha.

I was fascinated by mom's writings. I am sure it was a huge invasion of privacy (she never objected), but I loved reading about my mom and who she was when she was a teenager, a young adult...  I loved looking through her writings and her childhood momentos and I remember thinking that I wanted to save things as I grew up for my own daughters to sneak and find and learn who their mom was...

The Mary Englebreit desk calendar for today complements my reflections... I'm sure I'm breaking some copyright laws posting it... sorry Mary:

I am far from having my own little girls... okay, like really, really far away... but I do have some treasure boxes started for some day... you can sneak and read this blog anytime.

 

Mother's Day is coming up! May 10th, and it also falls on the same weekend as Abundant Life Church's "Overflowing with Hope" Spring Women's Retreat (May 8-9).

Wow. The timing is so perfect. Almost as if we are encouraging women to invite their moms or daughters to an event where they can spend time together... *wink* Or an opportunity for Moms to be given a 24-hour break from their everyday realities of dishes, laundry, carpools, diapers (and the list is endless) on a weekend that is set aside to honor moms anyways and spend time with other women, praising God and learning about hope from some neat women...

Click on either of the links for more information or to register online for this event.

Cori

Also posted at coolchurchwomen.com. Yep, I double-dipped.

feeling list-y

1. There are about a zillion blog ideas bouncing around in my head right now.
2. The Diet Coke Fast (and how's harder than I thought.)
3. The Journals of Rachel Corrie and how I am inspired by her bravery, dedication to activism and her authentic and beautiful way with words. I am half-way through the memoir, and I am anticipating the need for a box of Kleenex.
4. The end of Winter Term. 4 classes, 4 A's. I think online classes and college as a 28-year old works for me.
5. My Facebook got hacked. Which is, in of itself, dull and annoying. But the funny fact that my past-FB friends, several pastos from church!, friends I haven't talked to in years (well, except for one Facebook) and even a friend's mother got an email from me suggesting I think they had a nice ass: is funny. It is. For so many reasons.
6. It's Spring Break and I am a loser with no exciting plans. I am contemplating doing some deep, deep Spring cleaning. I should feel more loser-ish about this, but it feels kinda nice actually. I need a break.
7. I love this blog. I need to write to her and introduce myself offically because I think I want her to become my new online best friend. I mean, she has a great name, loves the Lord, loves reading good books, and blogs interesting fun blogs.
8. I also loved this post. Its almost as if she stole the words I've been thinking in my head a lot lately. Make sure to click the link she added. (The whole blog is wonderful. The girl Emily is an amazing writer and I love reading her stories about teaching in Colombia. She also loves Diet Coke, so she is a kindred.) 
9. My new favorite show is called Being Erica. Apparently, it's originally from Canada; but shows now in the US on the Soapnet channel Thursday nights. She's a single 32-year old, finding herself in life, dating and in her job and is really smart and clever. She loves books. She has red-ish auburn hair. And, there is a TIME TRAVEL element. Seriously. It's sooo dvr'd.
10. I really want to see Confessions of a Shopaholic and He's Just Not Into You again.
11. I need to find a TI-83 calculator to borrow. Or one on the cheap. Starting March 30th, I will be doing something I thought I'd never had to do again: learn math. Although, is Math 105. (I have to take Stats over the summer.) So, be prepared. I am liable to complain a lot. May even need to dig up my Ode to Icky Math from pre-calcalus class my junior year of high school.
12. So, for now, this list will have to do. Tomorrow is Friday, and I am ready for the weekend, baby!

No more poop, please.

I just discovered something completely awesome. 

I just discovered that if I put a cd in my new dvd player... IT PLAYS MUSIC! Really! So, the sound quality is a little lacking, but it works!

This isn't what I wanted to write about. Though it makes me very happy right now. Much happier than what I want to write about!

This past weekend was one of those weekends. One of those God-is-trying-to-teach-me-weekends and if I ignore it was one of the weekends, I would be missing out on something pretty amazing.

I found myself eating dog poop. Twice. Stinky, gross, make-me-gag dog poop.

Well, not really dog poop. (Go with me here.) Figuratively. About three years ago, I attended a workshop where the facililators distributed chocolate brownies. They looked delicious, They said we were welcome to eat them anytime, but that we should know they mixed a spoonful of dog poop in the brownies while making them. Just a little spoonful, so we should be fine. Not to worry. Don't they look and smell delicious?

Of course, who wants to eat dog poop brownies? Yuck. The lesson, ultimately, was when we let a little dog poop in our lives -- when we gossip just a little or tell a little white lie or say yes to something we should be saying no to. When we do those little things we know deep down they are wrong, bad, not good for us, but we-I- let them slide because its just a little dog poo. Won't hurt me. I'll be fine. Its a lie.

A little dog poop IS STILL DOG POOP,

Well, sometimes a little dog poop ends up being a Crap-ola Special. And the pooper-scooper is coming out.

My point: I watched two movies last week that if I could do a rewind, I would. Now, before I get too sanctimonious here (because I don't want to sound judgemental, nor do I want to be judged here! I just want to share what I am learning), I love movies. I really, really love movies. I love the stories, getting caught up in the drama and romance and suspense. And some movies I want to watch, and do watch, are rated R.  I remember being asked by my co-workers back in my Burger King days in college, that if I watched R rated movies because I was Christian. I thought they were crazy for asking me that. I felt embarassed, actually, and spouted some arrogant answer about watching whatever I wanted to watch because I was a good judge of what was good. 

Ha. 

I subscribe to Netflix (which is awesome) and love that I can watch movies instantly to my laptop. I decided to watch the movie Untraceable last Wednesday night. I knew it was filmed in Portland and had something to do with the Internet. (Which was exciting to me because I have been learning about culture and the cyberspace in one of my classes this term.) I knew it was rated R. I didn't even think twice about the rating.

I didn't know it would scare me so much. Not just oooh-scary, but deep-down-to-the-core terriffied. I relate the feelings of fear to when I watched the Gus Van Sant movie, Elephant. Terrifying. Sad. I wanted to cry. There were disgusting murder scenes. And the movie wanted to show how easily people are targets on the Internet.

Ugh. Too close to home.

THEN, I got asked to a movie by a friend whom I had been looking forward to finally meeting... yes, after that terrifying movie about people being murdered after meeting people on the Internet, oh-so-wise-me still decided to meet someone from the Internet to go to a movie. His pick: Watchmen.

He turned out to be fine. The movie?

I wanted to cry. I was so embarassed. Imagine being in a movie theater sitting next to someone you just met (who again, was very nice and I look forward to getting to know outside of a movie!) and on the very large movie screen before us, multiple sex scenes played. Fairly graphic ones too. Okay, I don't have to imagine too details here. I sat frozen in my seat, too embarassed and uncomfortable to eat the popcorn he had purchased. I was too mortified to move, and too nervous to just be there in general to say anything (part of it was not the movie's fault but my own nerves when I am at a movie with a boy.) 

Actually, this reminds of me of high school when I was invited to watch movies at my crush's house and HIS PARENTS brought home Boogie Nights for us ALL to watch. Yeah. Imagine watching a movie about a young man's step into the world of pornography with your crush and his parents! I believe I excused myself from the movie back then before it got too, too bad.

Anyways. Present time. Do I watch the sex scenes?  Do I close my eyes? Look at the ceiling? Look at my friend? Grab his leg? What do I do? Its not like I have never seen this stuff before (I mean, hello, I watch tv too), but something in that moment... something about this experience convicted me that this was not something good for me to see.

I don't remember what I did. Probably all of the above (except the grabbing of the leg bit.) I was tempted to get up and leave or offer to baby-sit the TODDLER who was sitting behind us!! Yes, who brings an impressionable toddler to a movie like that? It was heart-breaking hearing the little girl say, "mommy, this is scary." Yeah, Mom. It is scary. Not only was there a lot of sex, but the "super heroes" were sort of like bad guys too and there was a lof of killing and murdering. (Is murdering a movie genre?) Anyways... I was saddened that the sweet little kid's mind was being filled with such dark images. Ugh. She will have nightmares, images in her mind she won't know how to deal with.

OH! And Mr. Manhatton walked around naked. Again, I might sound like a prude here, but I do not want to see a genatalia over and over again in public, next to my friend. If I ever see that much of a penis I want it to be from changing a baby's diaper or well, other activities that will wait until later in life when I have a ring round my finger. Hehe. Its bad enough they show nipples on tv and in movies now. Are we going to be seeing man parts all the time now too? (whine)  I am all for art and beauty and the body's form.... but seriously?!

Oh goodness.

My friend asked me what I thought of the movie when we walked out. I said it was a lot to take in. I didn't want to hurt his feelings either. There were some great elements of the movie too. I liked the historical references for example.

After these two movies, I realized that rather than a bite of poop brownies, I just willingly ate the whole pan full. Partly because I didn't say no, and partly because I was too worried about what someone else thought of me. And honestly, I just didn't pay attention to what I was going to watch and put into my mind.

why i love coming home

Oh, I love my home. I love it even more when I am gone for a week or so with random house-sitting jobs and even more random medical studies at ohsu. (more on that someday...)

Tonight, I returned home. Happily. To overflowing laundry baskets, piles of (paid!) bills that need to be filed away in my ridiculous filing system, and the recorded shows on the dvr. Oh, the dvr. How did I live without it? Its really true that being able to record shows changes the way you watch tv. I left my room looking fairly close to a pig-sty, and my bed isn't even made! Terrible!

I don't care. Its my bed. My lovely twin(!) red bed with the firm mattress and way-cute, carefully picked out for their cuteness sheets and my lovely flannel comforter with fun red cherries on it (that I've had since college and will never get rid of if I can help it.) Not even the (very comfortable) bed of the house-sitting gig that I had to share with Bailey the Dog who things he can sprawl across the bed and I am supposed to curl up in a ball and make way for his comfort can replace my beautiful bed! And, of course, not the oh-so-comfy hospitol bed at oshu with thin blankets and sheets and where I couldn't sleep on my side because of the ivs sticking out of both wrists (Really, I will explain this better soon) could never replace my red bed.

I also love the water pressure in the shower and the super hot water that washes so much stress away. I love getting to chat with my mom and catching up on the latest dramas on General Hospital together.

And I love all my fun, colorful decorations in my room. And all my books. And my pen and Crayloa products collection.  And my alarm clock! I can wake up and listen to The Buzz tomorrow!

And, of course, there is Elwood. The best black-and-white cat in the whole, entire world. Who hasn't stopped following me around since I got home and purrs like a mad-man-cat when I pick him up or scratch his head. He isn't even giving me that typical "I'm going to pretend to be mad at you now" act that cats will often do when you "abandon" them.

*Happy sigh* I love being home. Can you tell?

What do you love most about coming home after being away?