to find beauty

i am not an idiot

I am going to be his friend.

I am going to meet him and get to know him better. I am going to trust him and laugh with him and be there for him within reason. He's not perfect. I know that. And I admire that he's not and know I am not perfect either. No one is. I enjoy him; and I think he's smart and goofy. And folks, he's not a Christian.

I know. Call the pastors! We need intervention because she's going down. Down! I say.

Folks, I look around the world around me and everyone loves Jesus. And it's a beautiful thing. But when asked to write names of people to pray for or give invite cards to for church services-- I sit, stumped.

I don't want to be in a bubble forever. I want friends who believe different things. I want to be challenged and to fight for my faith. I want to know I believe and do what I do because its what I believe and want and not just because I find it safe and the right thing and if I don't I could lose my job. 

I love Jesus. I love working for the church. But I also don't want to live in Bubbletown anymore either. And guess what? I don't think my salvation is going to fall apart either. It might get stronger. As I was taught from day numero uno: Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible, and mom and grandma and aunts and sunday school teachers and dad and grandpa told me so.

Oh! And guess what: I am not voting for McCain. And I like to drink beer. In fact, I had a pint today. It was delicious. I do hate smoking. Only tried it once and it was awful.

And I watched Brokeback Mountain and liked it. Thought it was great love story and movie.

I was told to lighten up. To not worry and analyze and ask for opinions.

I am going to be his friend. I want his friendship. I think I will be a better person if hes in my life. Really. I think its possible. I know/hope it to be.

A good friend told me tonight that I was strong and brave when it came to dating and men. That I was not an idiot and knew when to pull out, when it got dangerous. When the man is not worth it and is not what I want. I have history to back me up.

I am not dating him. Not until he loves Jesus too. Hello, we aren't equally yoked. God can change his heart; I can't. I know that. I know the rules. I've read (and am reading) the books.

I am not going to run away from good friendship when its offered. Life is too short.

I am trusting myself and trusting who God made me to be and I am bursting the bubble. I am not asking permission. Its my life.

So there! In black and white for the world to see! Hear me roar!

that I-need-to-pee-now feeling

I went home for lunch today and while munching on chips and fancy cheese (yes, a fine lunch for me!) I caught myself up on the trials and tribulations of One Life to Live, and basically just sat for a half an hour in quiet (except for the munching of chips and the tv, of course. Hello, Tess is back. *wink*) nothingness.

I am tired. I look tired. And I need to cut my hair in that cute style that makes me feel good about myself. I am also leaving a period of busyness (mostly work-related) for another season of even more busy-er-ness (work, school etc etc). And honestly, I am actually quite happy with how thing are progressing for me, personally.  (Its nice to be able to write that too.)

But, still..  it feels as if the worlds of my friends and loved ones are all topsy-turvy, emotional roller coasters... and I want to help them. And I am trying to figure out how to help them without wearing myself out. How to balance my busy and happy life with my innate need to want people around me happy too.

I found my answer in a Detrol commerical that played between scenes of Tess/Jess toying with her locked up in the basement sister and Rex learning he's a dad. Yep. So, on my way home, I was thinking of the Detrol commercial, and the poor woman who had that "I-need-to-pee-now" feeling all the time and how the blue-bathroom-woman-symbol-character told her she needed to have the Detrol talk with her doctor. He would fix her up and one little pill would ease her bladder the whole day long.

So, what did I learn from that 30 second commerical? I have that I-need-to-pray-now feeling.

Right now, I don't need to pee (glad you know that, eh?) but I do need to pray. That's my solution. That's how I am going to help my friends (and myself.) I will do what I can with emails and texts-- but right now, I need to go escape and find some rest and hope in the surrender of my worries, concerns, sadnesses for my friends to the best Doctor around.

on my way home

On my way home tonight from my lifegroup, I listened to one of my favorite cd's: Jason Gray's All the Lovely Losers. I. Love. This. CD. I am sad because its starting to skip during certain songs.

One of my favorite songs (though I love them all) is track 5. Read below for some of the lyrics:

My heart is laid/ Under Your blade/ As you carve out Your image in me/ You cut to the core/ But still you want more/ As you carefully, tenderly ravage me

And You peel back the bark/ And tear me apart/ To get to the heart/ Of what matters most/ I’m cold and I’m scared/ As your love lays me bare/ But in the shaping of my soul/ They say the cut makes me whole

I love this. I love this idea of God molding me and shaping me to who I am. Even when its hard and scary and uncomfortable. I love this idea that its in His infinite wisdom and love that he shapes me.

Listen to Jason Gray. 

I love when a song can speak into my soul.

the fruits of dating

Okay, yeah the title is a little weird, but go with me here. We talk about the fruits of living a Christ-like life--- which are obviously a whole lot holier than where I am going in this post--- but here I go anyways.

It occurs to me that dating, while having the cons of break ups and disappointment, also has some pretty nice perks and no, I am not talking about the obvious happy stuff (I will let your imagination and past happy experiences speak for themselves in your head.) I am talking about the post-boy perks. When any negative break up repercussions have diminished and you can confidently say with some class, hopefully, "he's a jerk/workaholic/pig/cheater/liar/etc and he doesn't deserve a great girl like me. I am going to move on with my life and be happy."

Post-boy perks are what I like to think of after a particularly sour dating experience (like when you find out with very little online sleuthing he's really ten-ish years older than he told you and lied about it multiple times.) They are things you come away with from a dating relationship, and you can honestly, 100% say that, "y'know going out with The Older-Than-He-Told-Me man was worth it just because I learned about this great website that provides cheap background checks." For example, of course, only.

What I am trying to get at is that when you meet, get to know better, spend time with a guy (regardless of who he or turns out to be) he has this uncanny way of teaching you things or showing you new things. Good stuff. Cool stuff. Stuff you never would have tried or known about with his quirky interests or knowledge.

So when the relationship is over, you still have these great new things in your life that are… well, pretty great… hence, the post-boy perks. It's also an attempt to look at the positives of dating and breaking ups.

I thought I would write up a little list of some of the "fruits" of my former "dating" experiences. I say "dating" liberally. Really, really liberally. No real names mentioned, I promise. Just fun stories.

1. Facebook. Yes, Facebook. I finally succumbed to the other side of social networking favs (originally I was diehard myspacer- now I have both) when a guy I was very good friends with for a very long time who lived on the other side of the country… let's call him "Michigan" just for fun, insisted I sign up to share photos, etc. Now, I love facebook... and well, he remains a facebook friend.
2. "Michigan" (who does not live in the land of lakes a plenty) has also taught me a ton about sound, editing for tv networks and I have a new appreciation for those wires that tech guys use for like everything. J
3. Phil Wickham. Whom I love and can listen to for hours is NOT an ex, but a musician whom I was introduced to by The Spikey-Haired Guy. In fact, my first Phil Wickham cd was a pseudo-Valentine's day gift from him (yes, even on Valentine's day, though he was ranting the horrors of such a commercialized holiday) and the cd was completely free for him and really not as thoughtful as it could've been... but it didn't matter. I loved the album. And since, I have purchased my own Phil Wickham albums, and even brought my whole small group to a recent concert where he recorded a live cd. I like to boast that even if you can't tell… somewhere in the singing is my voice!
4. The Spikey-Haired Guy could also be partially to blame for my spontaneous trip to Canada with good friend Korrin last Spring. We prefer to think of it as our adventurous spirits, of course. The Spikey-Haired Guy had a cool way of bringing out my adventurous spirit and shedding some bright light on my some-what dull day-to-day activities… my opinion, not his. I've enjoyed shaking some of the "let's play it safe" shackles off and just enjoying life.
5. The Counselor was able to get me to read a Max Lucado book. I had a pretty strong opinion that Lucado was syrupy and not deep enough for what I wanted and needed. The Counselor, however, loved Lucado, and in a (very non-pathetic!!) attempt to have something for us to discuss, I began reading the Lucado book (3:16) that The Counselor was also reading. And I LEARNED SO MUCH. I loved the book. It was easy to read, yes, but it was full of great stuff that I needed to read and take to heart at the time. Now, I try to be less judgmental when I look at books—I even got over my Beth-Moore-is-too-ubiquitous-for-me issues, and have recently begun reading her "Get Out of the Pit" book.
6. Drinking. Yes, probably not the best to be proud of, but my first real drink that I loved was given to me by the Guy-With-The-Kissable-Lips. It was a rum-and-coke, and I loved it. My fear that drinking means drunkenness and immediate sin was eased into more practical fears.
7. The Guy-With-The-Kissable-Lips also gave me a shot of something else: courage. My most romantically bold moment involved him, a phone call telling him to meet me on the sidewalk 'cause I forgot to give him something and my lips on his beautiful lips. (He still remembers the moment too, which makes me feel pretty darn good.)
8. An adorable pinkish-salmon colored shirt with an empire waist belt. I love the shirt. My friend Mel picked it out for me for the date with The Older-Than-He-Told-Me man. I joked with the cashier when I purchased the shirt and my first pair of "skinny-legged jeans" that sometimes the best part of first dates is the cute outfit one might purchase for the date. Not that I necessarily condone not just wearing what you have and makes you feel good—but honestly girls, sometimes the best part is what happens before the date (see also: prom and the getting ready/dress part).
9. Secret Agent Camp. Yes, this is for reals. There really is a Secret Agent camp for adults. It's really expensive and in Southern California, but heck—what's a plane trip and a lifetime of savings when you can fly a helicopter, learn combat moves and basically live out James Bond. A new friend of mine introduced me to his childhood fantasy (Secret Agent Camp) and has sparked a whirlwind of discussion in my circle of crazy friends. Don't be surprised if I am writing someday of my own Secret Agent adventures with my best gal pals.

So, as you can see… my life is much richer because of these guys. Perhaps delicious "fruit salad" richer. Haha.

a little conviction goes a long way

This morning I went to church at the Parkrose Campus (still Abundant Life Church) and I really enjoyed it. I've been missing worshipping in the old building since Uprising left, and well, I left Uprising. I got to meet some new people and listened to a great message on marriage.

Yes, how ironic I would skip church last week when it was about SINGLES and yet make it for the marriage one. Anyways, several of the verses Pastor George used in his message hit home, especially after writing my blog was last night.

Let me share them with you.

 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not men." Colossians 3:23

"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed." Proverbs 15:22

 "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:4

So, as you can see... a little conviction via some of God's Word goes a long way in my mind and heart. First, I want to make sure that what I do- whether at home, church, at a friend's house- that I am going in with the mindset that I am serving God. I am His. And being His is hard often, true, but it is also a huge honor.

Secondly, if it wasn't for the trusted friends and mentors in my life so far-- who knows where I would be! God has consistently provided people in my life to listen with a gentle ear, provide the comforting hug, kick me in the butt or tell me to shut up. We aren't alone, and we aren't supposed to be.

And lastly, goodness. One of my greatest fears in life is that I will be selfish. Weird eh? Since we all are, and its hard not to be. Growing up, my dad pounded in my head the badness of selfishness. But somewhere in those lessons... I think I mixed uo selfishness and selflessness. I want to stive always for selflessness. Thinking of others before me, and being compassionate and understanding of others needs. However, that is different than selfishness, where its my way or nothing. Me, me, me.

While at Parkrose Campus, there was a woman there who was asking about an upcoming event, the Women of Faith conference. I overheard her asking for info, and since no one seemed to know much (at least about how to get hooked up with the group going from Abundant Life) I butted my way in and told her what she needed to know, who she needed to contact, etc. She must have been fairly new to Parkrose, because she didn't even know about ALC's Happy Valley Campus-- so I gave her some history, etc. When I was done, she looked at me and said, "Well, if everyone is as helpful as you are right now here, then this is the church for me!"

That is what I want. To be helpful, to meet needs, to get people connected to others who want the same things. To stand out as a light for the Christ's Church with all the crazy info I got stored up in my head. I am excited to see where this is all going...

just say no... to pleasing others

What does it matter what went before or after??? Now with myself I will begin and end. (Anonymous)

Introspective. Reflective. Pensive. Meditative. Contemplative. Ruminative. Any other -ive words I could use to describe the state I am continuously finding myself in? A friend told me this afternoon over a very late breakfast that I am in a journey of finding myself.

How long does it take one to find oneself? Isn't this a never-ending journey?

I look in the mirror and here I am! That's not good enough, because for me looking in the mirror and making judgement is not always an accurate reflection of who I am. To find out who I am, I must delve deep into the core of me, the heart of my beliefs, what makes me boil with anger or rage with passion. What is it in life that I do and enjoy? That makes me smile and warms my heart and causes the giggles of a girl to bubble up? What do I want, hope for?

I have answers to the questions, but they scare me a little. Okay they scare me a lot. They scare me because there is a part of my dna that is so embedded in me that it colors my own view of what makes me happy. The answers I have, I fear, will not allowed, accepted, or applauded by my closest friends and family-- those in my life that I look to for approval and advice. I know, its called a people-pleaser. The problem with being a people pleaser is you forget to think of what makes oneself happy, or worse, God happy. (Sadly, if I did ask my friends and family-or if they are reading this, most would love me and be fine with whatever choices I make and I would be the weirdo girl with ridiculous worries and pre-conceived notions of what I THOUGHT they would say or react.  Its all in my head.)

Its a trap. And for me, its a trap I fall prey too easily. Add my innate ability to be a "rules girl" through and through. I find the rules and expectations for something quickly and work my damndest to follow through and meet them. When I fail, and I do fail, I tend to take it personally and I don't forget. I can remember clearly moments and words of criticism and disappointment. The sad, sad thing is: those moments and words, in reality and Truth, should be shadowed by the compliments and words of encouragement I do recieve.

I just spent the last hour or so cleaning through a drawer of greeting cards- mostly blank and waiiting for use, but mixed in were old birthday, thank you, and for-no-reason cards from dear friends. Sweet words, loving words-- words not directed to a failure and a disappointment. PerhapsI should paint them on my bedroom walls so I do not forget. (Of course, I also don't want to get too prideful.)

And then, it hits me. (Okay, it has been hitting me time and time again like annoying fly in August, I've just been doing a good job ignoring it and swatting them away.)

Yes, even with the backing of wonderful supporters (or perhaps, because of), I have the crazy and oh-so-revoltionary revelation that it doesn't matter what they say. Kind or not. It doesn't matter if they hate me or love me or want to be my best friend. (Okay so this is much easier to write than to believe) but without my self-approval... all the nice words in the world will bounce off of me like a rubber ball. I need to be able to recieve them. And before I can catch the ball, I must believe I am good enough, worthy enough, loveable enough, beautiful enough, special enough, talented enough. all that enough-ness to be able to catch the darn thing.

Oh, wow. Maybe this is making sense, maybe it isn't. Right now, as I look around and think and pray and learn to trust in new ways, I am also ACHING to shake off the STUCKNESS of living a life to please others. As my friend also said over our breakfast, I must learn to live to please God and to please myself.

I've always been listening to a lot of Reba McEntire lately. (Who is amazing and timeless.) And the song "Is there life out there" has been resonating with me. No, I didn't get married at 20. But since who knows when, I have been married to the idea of trying to be perfect. And its exhausting. Here's a snippet:

She's always lived for tomorrow
She's never learned how
To live for today
She's dyin' to try something foolish
Do something crazy
Or just get away
Something for herself for a change

Actually, I thought the lyrics for the last line listed were "Something for a sin for a change".  Anyways, I will continue to reflect and pray and trust and learn more and not care what you think. I might do something foolish, I might do something crazy. I probably won't be getting away too much because I am starting school fairly soon and thats important to me to finish... but I might, well, say no.

 

check list

1. Go to work: Finish Joseph curriculum book for printing by Monday. Put together Pre-Season Training DVD packets for those who weren't able to attend. Also, send Ken men's retreat registration list. Update Benevolence list. Print for team meeting Saturday night. Update and print lifegroup catalogue for this weekend. Clean desk. Call Dawn re: bad email address.  Email A-Team/Support staff reminder the payperiod ends on Monday. Print timecard for Rebecca. Do all this by noon.
2. Make an appearance (with Mel) to the OWLS (Older Wiser Loving Seniors) monthly potluck.
3. Go home: work on get-well present for Joy. Take a nap. Maybe sit outside in the sun and listen to Rihanna or Jason Gray or Reba. Okay, update: was invited to lounge by a pool. Gee, what to do?
4. Kati's birthday "party" at Red Robin at 6:30pm. Order dinner for Joy. Go to Joy's to be nurse/friend as she is in recovery. Watch Arrested Development. OH! Add to afternoon: get Arrested Development DVD series from Rachel.
5. Sleep in. (Saturday)
6. Do something fun on Saturday. Not sure what, but something. (Went out to a very late breakfast, picked cherry tomatoes, and visited with Joy.)
7. Go to work: Benevolence team meeting at 6 pm. Afterwards: do something fun.
8. Sunday: go to church at the Parkrose Campus at 9:30am. Go to brunch with Mel/Chris, Alisha and her brother.
9. Go home. Do something productive. Meet up with Jennifer for sushi fest at... oh, confirm with Jennifer for Sunday Sushi fest. Okay. Now we are meeting for coffee at Peet's. Yikes. Get cash too.
10. Hmm.
11. Read Phil. 4 for bible study at some point.

Okay, so I know this is a lame-o post but well, I am feeling lame-o and here's a peek into the exciting world I live in.

forced rest

My next post was supposed to be a part two on my movie weekend (last weekend.)

Ooops.

Anyways, I have been wrestling (mentally) with the concept of what "rest" looks like in my life-- or rather, how "rest" should look in my life. I assume that "resting" = watching Friends reruns or writing on here or talking to a friend on the phone. I think I assume wrong... not that those aren't enjoyable.. but true rest... true getting away and being alone with God or seeking beauty in nature or listening to lovely music while feeling the sun warm on your face (and it being okay because you remembered sunblock.)

I remember when I was in Nicaragua... I truly felt rested. We worked hard in the mornings, worshipped with churches in the evenings... but during the late afternoon... it was free time... and time for us to visit with each other or take a nap or read our Bibles or whatever. I remember my favorite moments were sitting on a swinging chair, listening to my mp3 player, which had a playlist of all my fav worship and other songs, and writing random thoughts in my journal or just sitting and listening and watching life around me.

I loved, loved that time.

This summer has been interesting. I spent a huge chunk of it house-sitting and pet-sitting. Then mid-August hit and work got super busy (it still is). I am working out my "finish OSU or bust" plans, and making big decisions on my ministry involvement. Its been busy. Not bad, not terrible, and not busy in a bad way... just busy.

I thought that maybe since I let go of some of the things that has kept me the busy-est, that meant I was resting.

I was wrong.

My friend Joy, who is amazing!!, told me very clearly and with some bluntness, that I have yet to truly rest. Regardless of what I tell myself: I am not resting.

So, God-- who has impeccable timing and can be very ironic-- decided, hey, let's have Cori get sick so she has to rest.

Forced rest.

So, I made the dreaded call to my boss telling her I wouldn't be coming in. (I always feel terrible calling in sick. I think its easier working sick.) Then, with full expectation of getting work done at home.. I spent the morning half asleep on the couch watching Soapnet and wishing I didn't feel so icky.

Then, I got up, and again, thought I would do work but instead took a hot shower, then laid in bed and wished I felt better.

All day went like this... minus a couple of hours of energy when I talked to the OSU advisor and got things lined up to register for classes.

So, now, its nearly midnight. I am exhausted. I need sleep. And I lay in bed, thinking, wondering... how do I get back to that place that I was at when I was in Nicaragua. How do I find it here? And why does it take a sick day for me to realize rest-- real, true rest is so important!?

part one: oh-so-innocent weekend movie confession

I love movies. I grew up watching the old black-and-white classics with greats like Cary Grant and Gary Cooper and for years and years my favorite movies of all time were Grease, Anne of Green Gables and Pollyanna. (Still are, actually.) 

Then, I was introduced to the beauty called the male actor *wink wink*, and movies like Speed (Keanu Reeves) and the BBC Pride and Prejudice (Colin Firth) and anything with Hugh Grant became tops with me. I adore romantic comedies most of all, and always enjoy feel-good movies about little boys who build rockets or football teams who win the big game. Not that I don't love scary or action or just dumb movies. Remember: I love movies.

I still cry at Titanic and could watch Shawshank Redemption over and over again, and am completely unashamed that my birthday tradition for quite a few years now is visiting Hollywood Video and renting my free birthday movie rental. (This past year I rented What Happens In Vegas.) I will fight with a passion (that even concerns me sometimes) of the wonderfulness of the movie Blue Lagoon. I wonder if I have good movie taste, but most of the time I don't care too much because I watch most of my movies alone or with friends who understand my habits of renting straight-to-the-video store movies.

So, onto my movie confession. Saturday night, after spending the day babysitting an 8-year old and a 3 year-old (we played like I haven't played in years! riding bikes, jumping on the trampoline, baking funfetti cupcakes!) 

 

So, we made the cupcakes and they looked delicious... but I forgot to eat one! Terrible!

 

Trampolines are dangerous grounds for little brothers to tackle big sisters!

On my way home, I rented three movies. Nim's Island. Spiderwick Chronicles. and Alvin and the Chipmunks. At this time, I will casually remind you I recently turned 28. And these movies were for me to watch alone. Just for fun. However, I did spend the day with little kiddos, so I had some inspiration!

Defenses aside: I really did enjoy these movies. Of the three I loved Nim's Island the best. Seriously. Go rent it. Not that I didn't enjoy the flood of childhood memories of Alvin and the Chipmunk cartoon fests with my sister. After watching Nim's Island, I checked in with the parents. Mom complained that she had to watch the movie, Seven with my dad. I explained, "Well you should have watched my movies! No bloody heads at all!"  My dad's typical dad response: "Cori, aren't you too old for these movies?" To which I said to him, " I hope I never become too old!"

So... this was part one of my weekend movie confessions-- stayed tuned for part two and my lesson in choosing movies for a singles night out!

happy, happy moment

Logged into my OSU Student Account today and was so happy to find this:

 

After five years, the holds have been removed! Wooo-hooo!