In my small group, we are reading the book Completely His by Shannon Ethridge... which has been amazing so far... and we are taking turns each week sharing our "testimony."
Tonight is my night.
And I am feeling really anxious.
I have no problem sharing with the girls my life-- they know most of the terrible, not-so-swell things I have in my past... and because of that, the pressure (self-inflicted) is on and I find I must be a little more creative in what I share tonight... perhaps dig a bit deeper than the basic plotline of my life.
Share my heart. Share what God is teaching me now.
And thats where my anxiety comes in, because what God is teaching me now is not-so-fun, not something easy for me to make jokes about... and not something I am necessarily proud to share.
So, because I doubt any of the girls will read this post before group tonight, I am practicing out what I want to share here... its really how I best process my thoughts.
So, here we go.
I have a really hard time trusting people. I have great expectations. I am extremely impatient. I like things done a certain way (usually on my timing.)
Yep, thats it. Shocking, eh?
(I am really not a terrible person.)
Not being able to trust people has caused me to take on responsibilities that aren't mine to take on and it has caused me to become burned out and depressed and overwhelmed and frustrated and resentful and tired. (its also led to being called a control freak or a bossy-pants.)
I have been wrestling with how to "fix" this in me for the past three years. I have learned a lot about boundaries (and keeping them), saying no, balance and priorities. I have inundated my head with rules and advice on how to not take on the world, or at least feel like I have to.
But I can't fix me. (at least alone.)
I have surrounded myself with wonderful friends and mentors who hold me accountable to how much I am taking on... I try to do the right things, and trust me when I say that it has not been easy for me!
I have prayed a lot. I love prayer! Hello, I am a total talker and communicator... I love that God is ever-patient with me. I continue to learn so much about trusting God, and each day seriously brings new insight into how much I can trust Him.
I read the "famous trust verse" in Proverbs 3 today: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding [oh, how hard this is!!!]' in all your ways [that means in every, single facet of my life!] submit to Him and He will [note: not "you, Cori, will.."] make your paths straight."
And this is a pretty big light bulb moment, I must tell you... but over these last couple weeks and months God has been revealing to me so many different areas of my life where I have not trusted Him. (and thats the painful part, because I like being right all the time. ;) Haha. I guess I can make jokes.)
And as he reveals to me these icky, not-so-perfect areas in my life where I have tried in my own limited wisdom and weak strength to make them all better... and I see them, I feel their burden.... its difficult to release and surrender them over... because I am so comfortable in holding on to their heaviness and ugliness...
But I can trust Him with it all.
And that is amazing. And freeing. And wonderful. And as I let go... I am finding God is revealing to me so much more about who He made me to be. As I let go of my pride and shame over things, He is revealing to me people in my life that I can trust with helping me work through it.
Eeeks, must get going to group!
to be continued after group tonight...
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