I mentioned in my first entry that I was struggling with not being in charge, not worrying about the details. Somehow, I finally released this need to God.
Before I left on this trip, I had written several entries on being single and marriage. I brought a book with me to read in my "free moments." Anticipatience: A New Word of Hope for Single Women by Sharon Virkler. I have had this book on my shelf for months. For whatever reason, God chose this week for me to read it. (and it was amazing!) In Chapter 3, the author talks about prayer and "asking God." She writes, "By surrendering our desires to Him, we seek to know His will." And later, "By saying it out loud (in context: wanting to be married), some feel that it reveals an inner discontent with God." Suggesting that if we aren't happy being single, its because we have a spiritual problem. As Paul wrote, we must learn to be content in whatever state we may find ourselves.
I agree. "But God has given us permission to approach His throne with any and all requests, and this includes the request for a change." I felt an amazing sense of freedom in this knowledge. Not just about marriage. Just being reminded that I have permission to ask God things. Isn't that crazy? That after so many years of "being a Christian," this simple idea of God wanting me to come to Him with my life and asking him "why?" and "how?" and "when?"would have me surprsed. Maybe I have known this along (I am sure I have), but was there something very powerful in learning this in Nicaragua.
I asked God why am I not leading this group. What is my role? How do I fit in? And He answered. He told me that this trip was a gift. I didn't have to worry about raising the support, He totally took care of that!, and all the details fell into place. I am with a team of people that I already have great friendships with. And now, on this trip, all that it is expected is to love His children and enjoy Him. I find it hilarious that I found more rest on this mission trip than during a normal week in Oregon.
So, in asking God so many questions, I also had to let go. Let go of my control and expectations. And just trust. Just be. Just let. And while it was scary, it so liberating! I don't want to go back to work with all its demands and responsibilities. I love just being with God, seeing His beauty in the faces of the little kids, in the hard work of the team when we worked at the Villa. He so GOOD!
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