to find beauty

Journal Entry - Capturing a Feeling

There are so many things I haven't written about yet (in my journal), but I will try hard to remember details when I get home. Lord, please give me a clear memory so I can write about the amazing moments. Overall, I feel incredible and excited and loved and encouraged and so blessed. Today we took the kids to the beach. A la playa. I loved spending the day with Andrea, the girl who was "assigned" to me. She is beautiful and has such a good heart. Lord, please bless her, guide her, protect her... bring more people into her life to love and encourage her.

I feel changed, refreshed, and made new. I feel like I have been given new eyes, eyes that see people as you do and to love and serve others as you want me to. I wonder now how hard it will be at home to remember this feeling.

Baby Orphanage

On Wednesday afternoon, we visited the Baby Orphanage. For some of us, this was the day that our hearts broke. I fell in love with several of the little babies, including the the ones featured below. They told us to limit our time to fifteen minutes with the babies... but that was just impossible.

This little girl, Maria, loved to "fly." She smiled and giggled and looked at me with those big, brown eyes as I lifted her in the air.  She stole a piece of my heart.

Guadalupe reminded me so much of my brand-new niece. She was so teeny and wonderful and feminine. She was the first baby I held!

      

I love this picture. I think it might be one of my absolute favorites, because it captures a moment right after I kissed the top of the little boy's head. I can't remember his name, but I remember he just wanted to be held. He loved to lean against my body and rock back and forth.

Later on before we left the orphange, I had the opportunity to journal. I wrote:

We are the baby orphanage and while its wonderful holding and loving the babies (it is!)... it's also so heartbreaking, knowing we are leaving them. They just live here day after day. I know they are loved by the workers here, and God is Father to all the children, and these babies are no exception.  It is so hard to not want to sneak one in my luggage. I have always been interested in being a foster mom or adopting someday, if God wills, and being here and seeing and holding these babies that have a home... the desire is only strengthened!

Hammer Time (Second Work Day at Villa Esperanza)

(I know I am happy to have gotten that blasted nail out of the wood... but really, do I always look so goofy when I am happy?)

letting go

I mentioned in my first entry that I was struggling with not being in charge, not worrying about the details. Somehow, I finally released this need to God.

Before I left on this trip, I had written several entries on being single and marriage. I brought a book with me to read in my "free moments." Anticipatience: A New Word of Hope for Single Women by Sharon Virkler. I have had this book on my shelf for months. For whatever reason, God chose this week for me to read it. (and it was amazing!) In Chapter 3, the author talks about prayer and "asking God." She writes, "By surrendering our desires to Him, we seek to know His will." And later, "By saying it out loud (in context: wanting to be married), some feel that it reveals an inner discontent with God." Suggesting that if we aren't happy being single, its because we have a spiritual problem. As Paul wrote, we must learn to be content in whatever state we may find ourselves.

I agree. "But God has given us permission to approach His throne with any and all requests, and this includes the request for a change." I felt an amazing sense of freedom in this knowledge. Not just about marriage. Just being reminded that I have permission to ask God things. Isn't that crazy? That after so many years of "being a Christian," this simple idea of God wanting me to come to Him with my life and asking him "why?" and "how?" and "when?"would have me surprsed. Maybe I have known this along (I am sure I have), but was there something very powerful in learning this in Nicaragua.

I asked God why am I not leading this group. What is my role? How do I fit in? And He answered. He told me that this trip was a gift. I didn't have to worry about raising the support, He totally took care of that!, and all the details fell into place. I am with a team of people that I already have great friendships with. And now, on this trip, all that it is expected is to love His children and enjoy Him. I find it hilarious that I found more rest on this mission trip than during a normal week in Oregon.

So, in asking God so many questions, I also had to let go. Let go of my control and expectations. And just trust. Just be. Just let. And while it was scary, it so liberating! I don't want to go back to work with all its demands and responsibilities. I love just being with God, seeing His beauty in the faces of the little kids, in the hard work of the team when we worked at the Villa. He so GOOD!

the perfect moment (journal entry)

This is the perfect moment.

Sitting in this weird, pole swinging chair, listening to Derek Webb and other fav worship tunes in the backyard of the pastor's house where we are staying. There is a cool breeze that feels so good after a long day in the hot sun. The sun is on its descent. I really need to invest in a swinging chair or hammock or something at home.

We worked really hard today. It was great. It felt good.  Want to see how hard I worked? Its not pretty... I have a grumpy look on my face. Almost as if I am asking, "really, do I want to have a picture taken?" But I am proud of how hard the team worked. I am proud of the dozens of wheelbarrows of concrete I moved from the soon-to-be soccer field and site for new homes at Villa Experanza.

Lord, my prayer is that I will see myself as how You see me. Not the mess I see, but the beauty I know you must see...

missing home & motostepe

Today was a better day... although I am still struggling with not being "in charge of things". I miss home. I feel like a baby. I miss my friends and my family. I miss Elwood. I miss my laptop and my cell phone having service. I miss Abundant Life Church and I really miss cold Diet Coke (even if Sue says its poison and will cause my motor skills to fail when I am fifty.) We went to a church this morning and it was wonderful walking in... not just because it was full of people ready to worship God... but because it was air conditioned! There was another mission team sitting in front of us. It was cool to see others who have come to serve in Nicaragua.

We went to Motostepe that afternoon.  We had our first David & Goliath puppet show performance. (I was Goliath.) Sue presented to the school the baseball uniforms and equipment. They handed out the children's clothing we brought to families, and all while we played with the kids. Played and played.

We learned that in the Motostepe community there are over 5000 kids. They swarmed around us and I loved watching Nick, Tiffany, Nethanel, Pam and others lead the kids in so many fun games. In this picture, I am not sure what is happening. It looks like I am pointing at Nethanel's head. Who knows.

After watching the kids play and visiting in my little Spanish, I decided to go inside the little building and watch families recieve clothes. Amy was in there, and she and I began visiting with two little kids. A little girl named Maria and a little boy named Jose Luis. Jose Luis cracked me up!  I asked him (again in my broken Spanish) if there were any cats in Nicaragua. That I had only seen dogs. Lots of dogs. He got excited and told me he had a cat, I think named Cochara. I told him I had a cat too "blanco y negro" named Elwood. He said his cat was black and white too! We then decided to have a contest who could make the silliest face. Talking to Jose Luis made me feel for the first time on this trip that I truly was connecting with the kids. He's the little boy in the orange shirt. 

We later learned that the church at Motostepe had been praying for funds to build a roof over their building before the rainy seasons came (in July, we think.) The roof was going to cost $1500, and a church from Florida was coming the next week with $800. The amazingly cool God-had-apart-in-this thing is we had $700 to give somewhere. The exact amount the church needed for their new roof.

It also feels "nice" because I know that a lot of that "extra" money came from my sponors who were so generous in their support. I know its all God's money, but it doesn't lessen the joy in knowing that in small way I was a part of providing a roof so these people can come together and praise God together in a dry church.

This is a picture of the current roof, and not unlike many other roofs in Nicaragua, covered in mangoes.

   

Journal Entry, March 22nd

In an effort to tell my stories from Nicaragua, I am post dating each story to the day it happened. Obviously, I didn't write them then.

Today is my first day in Nicaragua. After long flights and no sleep, we arrived excited, tired and open for anything. Everything went so smooth and there were no major issues with luggage or flight delays. All this is good. God is good.

First Impressions

Nicaragua is hot! I really must work hard to keep myself covered in sunblock! I am going to work hard ( and trust God with) to not be whiney about the heat. Things are so dirty here. There is so potential for the streets, the homes, the land to be so beautiful but its being hidden and cluttered by so much garbage. I didn't expect things to be so dirty in Managua. I find ironic that all the land around the gated United States Embassy is littered with trash, and inside the gates it is immaculate.

We visited La Churecha (the dump) today. Our first visit. It broke my heart. The smell. The poverty. The mess. How hard it would be to rise above the environment, the culture that living in the dump is okay. It must feel like its the only way.

[In the picture above, Kati, Katie and I rotated little kids on our laps. This little boy would get off, run around, come back, get off, run around... over and over. A different little boy, which I learned later was named Ryan, was a real wild child. Just a pair shorts on. Wild hair. Dirty. You could just tell he had no strict supervision. He jumped on my lap and grabbed by hands and had me pat his belly. He was very squirmy and had nestled himself practically around my neck at one point. I saw Ryan repeatedly during our visits. On the last day at the Dump, we did VBS. He came over to and kept pointing to his wrist, with pleading eyes. I didn't know what he wanted and kept telling him "lo siento" and finally he took my wrist and pointed to the rubberband I had placed there for when I wanted to put my hair up. He wanted my "bracelet". Of course I gave it to him, and he was so happy.]

God totally gave me a special gift when He brought to my attention this little boy. He was filthy, his hair matted and wild. He looked so sad. The teachers at the La Churecha school were giving out presents for the Easter week, and he was handed a gift. It was a toy doctor's stethascope. He went to play with it by putting the ear pieces to his cheeks and making a silly face. I could not help but watch this little boy and wonder if he would ever have the chance to become a doctor. How often does he get to even SEE a real doctor? The image of him, playing with this toy, with flies on his dirty legs, will forever be engraved in my mind. I know God has a plan for this little boy, and He is bigger than all the circumstances.

On a Personal Note

It is so hard for me to NOT be in leadership for this trip. Not because I don't love and trust the leaders... but its hard because this group is full of Uprisers and my heart is for serving this age group. I have spent the last several years serving in ministry for Uprising and its hard to let it go and be under the same authority as the group. To be in a place where I participate as a participant. No responsibilties. I was warned before leaving that I would struggle with this... this letting go, and letting God lead this trip.

on my way to nicaragua - better bring the sunblock!

So, I am practically ready to go. I am packed, with the exception of my make up [thank you Rachel!] and all I need to do now is prepare me... :) That looks like some good God time, a hot shower, and a nap with Elwood at my feet.

I feel really good. I know there are so many people, wonderful friends, family, and Abundant Life Church members that are praying for me and the team. I am really glad that I am going on my "first-ever" mission trip now, when I have so many wonderful people in my life in support.

God has great timing.

Last night I visited The Weather Channel, and got the ten-day weather report for my visit in Managua.

I THINK I MIGHT MELT DOWN THERE!

Seriously. I melt went it hits the 80s in Oregon. LOL. At least there were some "partly cloudy"s in there. Hahaha. Me and my fair and freckled skin better stay invested in sunblock!

Well, time for my nap! Our flight leaves at 10:55pm and Dad and Mom are dropping me off at the airport at 8pm. So soon! WOO-HOO!

Marriage, Marriage, Marriage

Late last night, I recieved a phone call from a very close friend of mine, for her sake, let's called her Angelina. (Thats her real name, but lets pretend I am giving her some privacy.) She was frantic, crying, afraid. (This had me worried, who knows what had happened! This was not normal for her.)

"Cori." She said, with desperation. "Jeremy isn't answering his phone. He always answers his phone. What if something happened to him?"

I fought for the right words to say.

"Cori, he always has his phone on him. What if I he fell down the stairs moving that stupid chair for me and tripped and is laying on the bottom of the stairs, unconscious, with the chair on top of him?"

In my mind, I am imagined Angelina as a mother giving the "dead in a ditch speech" to her teenage son who came home past curfew.

"Cori, I love him so much. I don't know what I would do without him. If he doesn't call in 5 minutes I am driving out home."

(My friend was visiting her mother, who lives about an hour and half away.)

Jeremy finally called. He had left his phone on silent (not usual for him at all) and downstairs, where he was not. When he returned to his phone, and noticed 12 missed calls and text messages, he knew he was in trouble.

I told my friend that someday she will be able to look back and laugh about how crazy scared she got. Maybe not yet, but someday. I have been thinking about my friend's call today and how she reacted.

"Cori I love him so much."

I asked my friend Mel that if her husband didn't call or wasn't available when she expected him to be, if she would be get worried, freak out, drive to where he was supposed to be to make sure he was okay. She said yes.

Once her husband Chris, called me in a panic. Mel wasn't answering her cell phone. She wasn't answering her work phone. Did I know where she was, he asked. I said she probably just left the church, that she was meeting us at a meeting later that night. He asked me to stop by the church. He was very worried.

Her phone had died or something. I can't remember the details. But she was fine. He was worried. He loved her, was worried, concerned. He wanted to make sure she was okay.

I want to love someone that much. .

Today was a weird day. While processing all that... I also found myself smack dab in the world of marriage. For one, I manage the pre-marital ministry at my church. I find this role very ironic, as I am soooo single, but I love it. I love getting to talk to people who are in love and wanting to make their marriage work by starting it off learning how to communicate better, etc. Today I called a pastor from Roseberg regarding a couple at ALC that wants to get married (hes officiating the wedding.) I talked to a former marriage mentor couple about a couple they used to mentor. I updated my list that shows who is mentored by whom.

Also because of this role, sometimes I recieve mail that Dorine (the mail lady, hehe) deems worthy of my attention. In my box today: an invitation to The Marriage Experience. Ground breaking. Jaw dropping. No napping. Let's impact marriages in your community together. Saturday, May 3rd. Oregon Convention Center.

Woo-hoo.

THEN, I ran into a friend of mine from at church. I had heard she was dating a really neat guy she had met at the single's ministry. They were still dating, very happy, very mushy, had joined a couples only small group, and were looking to their future... (I made a mental note to look for a mentor couple for them...)

THEN, I had to do some stuff for the Love and Respect marriage class that meets Tuesday nights. THEN, when I came home to watch my favorite night of tv (Beauty and the Geek and One Tree Hill - I know) I remembered that tonight's One Tree Hill was Lucas and Lindsey's wedding! (Of course, I want Lucas and Peyton together, and fortunately, Lindsey wised up to Lucas's unending love for Peyton and left the altar in a dramatic flash of wedding dress down the aisle.)

Okay, so maybe all these stories aren't THAT crazy... but why would God put SO MUCH MARRIAGE STUFF in my life, and keep me sooo single? I just have to wonder if He's up to something. A girl can hope, right? Hahahaha.

something i read almost everyday

this is for the single girls in my life, and as a reminder to myself.

on the bulletin board above my desk at home, i have pinned several quotes and verses that mean a lot to me.

We have the wand of choice.

A healthy self-image is seeing yourself as God sees you - no more and no less.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you, I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekial 36:26)

To do is to be. (Nietzsche) To be is to do. (Kant) Do be do be do. (Sinatra.)

I also have a list of "Ten Rules for Success" (from my grandpa) and a list of 10 tips to recognize when you are being too negative about yourself.

My favorite words on my bulletin board, however, are a written on an index card in olive green sharpie. They are words from a gal (she was just a couple years older than me) named Janine that was in my small group for a workshop I attended in 2005. Her and I spent a lot of time discussing singleness and marriage and feeling worthy and loveable. She pointed out to me back then that my focus should not be so centered on who this guy will be-- that God had that under control, no need to fret-- but that I should concentrate on being the woman God had designed me to be, to be the woman I want to be when I date and get married. Her words sparked in me a strong desire to seek out and become the Cori that would bring glory to God and eventually happiness and love and respect to her husband. For the last three years, I have tried to live intentionally to serve and worship God. To grow closer to Him and develop relationships in my life that were good and supportive and godly.

Janine also wrote something in a notebook that I later copied on an index card with an olive green sharpie. She wrote:

the Lord wants you to be pursued and treasured by any man you date. You are a beautiful treasure, to be discovered and honored.

I love reading that. I love knowing that it is an important value to me to be pursued and to feel special. Not just because I like attention or I've watched a lot of romantic chick flicks-- but because God created me to be lovely and desirable. He created me in such a way that I am beautiful treasure for some very lucky guy (hehehe) to discover and embrace and pursue.

It is so easy to forget and allow something less than what you really want to become okay and acceptable. I have heard enough real-life love stories to know that a guy will pursue. He will make time. He will change his plans and do whatever it takes to spend time with a girl he is truly interested in. Maybe I have my idealistic glasses on, but honestly, I don't want anything less.

When God made Adam, he didn't make Adam and Eve at the same time... He didn't make Eve first and then ask Eve what she looked for in a guy and then made up Adam according to her specifications. No. He first made Adam and he first gave Adam a job. Adam's focus wasn't a wife. His focus was his job and to please and love God. When God saw that Adam needed a helper, (not when Adam said, "okay God where is she?")... God knocked out Adam, took out his rib, and made Eve. Eve was given to Adam when he was ready for his helpmate. Eve was unique and special and different than Adam, and Adam was able to enjoy these differences and (not just because there weren't any other women around!) Adam was able to make Eve feel special and loved. Eve knew her first relationship was to God, but she also knew that Adam was her man because God arranged it, not her.

Maybe I have some of the principles skewed, but honestly, I like the imagery. I like knowing that God has an Adam out there for me... and until I meet him, I am to wait and concentrate on Him. Maybe it will be tomorrow. Maybe it will be next month. Maybe it will be next year... or five years from now. I don't know. I like knowing that "my Adam" is out there working and growing closer to God. I like knowing that God will be the focus for both us, and whoever this guy is... wow. God knew what He was doing... I didn't even need me to make up a list. ;)