to find beauty

Chasing Troubles

  Stalking down the Wicked Witch is a fun way to pass the time... but I think I want to focus my time and energy on things that are Good.

Scene: At my desk at home listening to David Crowder [Remedy] sporting my Nicaragua Sweatshirt and a messy ponytail. Its Friday night.

I promised myself this afternoon while sitting in the Kia Waiting Room (where great thoughts always happen) and reading Kay Warren's Dangerous Surrender (amazing book so far) that tonight would be a Date with God night. Wasn't sure what He had planned, but with my acceptance into my Divine Date... I felt good.

I arrived home and walked the dog. Actually, I prayer-walked the dog. While she was managing to find all the mud puddles, I spent time praying for the all the recent requests that have hit my heart.

And now, I sit. I type. I wonder. I listen to David Crowder sing God is here. Okay God, you are here. What do you want to say to me?

Listen to me. I am yours. Don't worry about the details. Don't be consumed by the possibilities you have created in your head. Look at me. Follow me. Surrender to me and I will show you so much more than you ever imagined for yourself.

But Lord. I hear myself ask. (I am frustrated at myself for even asking.)

But Lord. What if this is how it is always going to be? What if this is my life? You know me, you know the desires of my heart. How do I get past this feeling of chasing troubles and chasing hopes, and when do I allow myself to trust, to be content, to let go of the control I think I need to have?

Now. Trust me. I will not let you down. I will never let go. Trust me. I have great plans for you.

thinking thoughts

You can only go as far as you have gone. You can only teach what you have been taught. You can only share with others what you have experienced so far. We don't live in the future of pretend and fantasy. We live now, with the past behind and a hope before us. I've been thinking a lot of where I have been in my 27 1/2 years so far (yes tomorrow, the 28th is my official half birthday. and yes, i know i am a dork for knowing that.). I have been thinking and wondering if all those experiences I have been through... the good, bad and ugly... those experiences I know deep down God was with me for, am I using what I learned from them to help others? Am I sharing the testimony God gave me? I am not a closed person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. But do I go through the motions of doing what is expected, rather than challenge myself to the great things God has planned in me to do? I don't know, but all this makes me very excited, hopeful, content. I don't know what my future holds, but I know God will be with me.

my first night in southern california

I know the picture is probably a bit dark... but it looked so cool in real life! The ferris wheel was lit up and round lights were strung down a corridor. It would be the perfect date place! It was amazing all lit up.

We landed at Santa Ana around 6:30pm, and I was very excited to see palm trees! I refused to take a picture of me with them at the airport thought, in fear of looking ridiculous. So far we have experienced Jeff's California driving and some amazing fish and shrimp tacos at Wahoos. We strolled the mall (can't remember the name!!) and talked a lot of about small groups at church. I think this will be a great conference!

to be or not to be... a redneck?

Today was one of those days that could only have been made more complete by ending it with a Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand and the remote control in another flipping channels between King of the Hill and reruns of Married with Children.

It was one of those days, where I found myself walking around in Wal-Mart wishing so badly I could zap myself out of the aisles of cheap and economic and into a world of luxury and comfort. I felt like a blob, a tired, allergy-ridden blob with weirdos all around me, getting in my way and making me feel crankier. It was one of those days where I found myself staring in a mirror in a dressing room, eyeing my imperfections, my makeupless face, my hair haphazardly pulled in a pony tail in a shirt completely unflattering and hideous.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't meant to be a woe-is-me diatribe. Today was overall a wonderful day. I spent it with my family. My parents and I drove down to Dallas, Oregon and spent the day with my sister, her husband and my one-month old niece. Dad watched the Nascar- the Daytona 500- while "the girls" went to Wal-Mart. Dad's favorite driver, Ryan Newman won!

We ate delicous pot roast and mashed red potatos and gravy and too many chocolate chip cookies. We enjoyed the sweet cuddles of Emma J. I attempted to help my sister out with her taxes. Mom spoiled Emma with many new outfits. Dad changed a very dirty diaper. Will shot his airgun in the parking lot. I took a nap on the couch.

Do you have those days? Those redneck days? Those days where you wonder if the coolness and sophistication you think have is really a cover for the white trash within? Honestly, I feel like a terrible snob right now writing all this... and I don't like that any better.  I am going to go to bed, wake up bright and early, put on my winter clothes and meet up with a friend for a day of exhilarating snowshoeing. I will take some Claretin (if I can find it) and I am going to thank Jesus for my family and the deals I found at Wal-Mart and for Ryan's Daytona victory. Honestly, cranky Cori is no fun!

nerdy chic glasses & valentines day

Okay, I know I should probably be against the day of cupids and heart-shaped candy because I am one of the millions that check the single box on various forms, but I really like Valentines Day. Always have. I like the cheesiness the holiday can bring out in people ie cards with a bunnies holding hearts with the caption "somebunny loves you." I like that people take the time to be with people they love and care about. I like that the office at work is loaded with pink frosted cookies and lots of chocolate. I like that today, Valentines Day (okay, its technically past midnight) I don't feel disappointed or cyncial or frustrated. I feel very happy. Very content. And very nerdy.

Today, I picked up my new pair of "nerdy chic glasses." I usually wear contacts, and I LOVE THEM, but I wanted to have a pair of glasses (that were actually my updated perscription) in case I needed them (and I was recommended to wear them over contacts when I am in Nicaragua next month.) They are so fun! I look in the mirror and I hardly recognize my new smart appearance. I found myself all day today embracing a part of myself, the dork within, that was once such turn off in my mind, as a unique part of of who I am. And it better than all the dozens of roses and fancy dinners out.

Making the Cut

So, last night I did it. I made the move. I took the leap.

Monday night is my small group night. After a 4 1/2 month "break", we resumed two weeks ago and have been lovin' every minute since. I hope everyone feels safe and comfortable to share, and that it is a place where each of us feels encouraged. Last night we talked about "Temptations." I am rotating "leadership" so different people have the opportunity to lead the group. (Its also my sneaky way of finding potentional new leaders, hahaha!)

Kori took the lead last night, and did a fantastic job. She created a beautiful, and very tempting, display on the coffee table complete with chocolate, wedding magazines, shoes, beer, cash, romance novels... all the things we as women can be tempted by... she proceeded to lead us in a great discussion about temptation, our struggles with and how we overcome them.

I can't share what the others said, of course, but for me, I felt convicted about my temptation to overspend, to "retail therapy", to go deeper and deeper in debt. I told them girls that if I were to identify a regret in my life, it would be the Old Navy store credit card when I was 19. Even now, I remember that first rush I felt charging those clothes. If you know my story, you know that debt and finances are a major part of my journey with God and growing up. I confessed to the girls that I needed their accountability, not hand-holding and not constant supervision, but the reality that I need them to ask me how I am doing with my finances. If I am worrying about them. If I am being smart.

I had been feeling the "God prod" to cut my three credit cards since the beginning of the year. I made a committment to work towards going out of debt this year, and knew in my head I needed to remove the temptation of charging, to make this possible. But it was such a scary thing, removing that "safety net" that credit offered me.

So, last night, before my dear small group girls, I removed the cards from my wallet and cut them up. It was a very painful experience, I must tell you, as in cutting one of the cards I managed to cut my left pointer finger as well. But I haven't regretted the decision, sore finger and all. I did it. I made the cut.

of president hopefuls

okay, so, i admit, i am a far cry from being politically savvy but i don't want to be an idiot either. i enjoy learning and discussing and forming opinions. (whether they are based on truth is part of the fun!) and you'd have to be blind and deaf to not know who's winning states and who's dropping out of the race. however, i am finding myself asking myself the question of the season: who am i voting for? and do i even know what the "issues" are?  anyone else have thoughts?

attitude check

I am feeling overwhelmed with my task list and my life in general. I know it will get done; it always does. I wonder if I am addicted to the chemicals in the brain that are released when stressed out. That would make a lot of sense.

At summer camp when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, the leaders did this thing where they would at any given moment yell "ATTITUDE CHECK!" and we would have to respond "JESUS NUMBER ONE!" I mentioned the story at Uprising Sunday night. Maybe its just fitting time to bring it back-- I may be older, but the lesson is timeless.

So, I am asking myself for an attitude check. Who is this all for? All this work, all the planning and attention to details and phone calls and print jobs? I do it because I love Jesus and I want others to grow closer to Him as well.

Flowerdust.net in Uganda

Always willing to support a mission for God! Check out my fav blogger Anne as she takes on Uganda (and the world) with her flowerdustin' prowess.

two boy friends--

i mean-- two friends that are boys that i consider really good friends. not boyfriends, but friends that are boys, that i am friends with only. got it?

do i?

now, before this sounds like a desperate blog about being single, let me clarify: it is.

after a week of watching movies like 27 Dresses and reading books like Jane Green's Swapping Lives and the re-introduction to the world of eharmony: i'm feeling it. for those fellow singletons, you know what i mean. that creeping feeling of "why God why??" and "I need someone to tell me I am beautiful/loved/worthy" takes over the mind... your heart feels a little heavier, and your self-pity rises far above the healthy level (is there a healthy level?) the dissatisfaction of what God has in your life, right now. you feel alone and unworthy and ugly and unloveable. [THE LIES OF THE ENEMY!]

I can watch chick flicks all night long, and still not have someone to hold me when I am sad. i can read all the newest nice-Christian-girl romance novels, and I am still reading them... alone. eharmony may turn out to be a great endeavor, but for now, its a rise and fall of hopes (and rejections).

none of them satisfy.

so, here is my not-so-terrible delimma. I have two very nice guy friends. one, i actually sorta (online)dated for a while years ago (he lives on the east coast) and the other a guy from church. both nice guys. both love jesus. I spend hours and hours on the phone with both of them. Great conversations. The friendships with both men are both very important to me.

yesterday, was one of those anti-social days, where the only thing I wanted to do was wear sweats and watch movies and do laundry. during the day, I recieved two phone calls. (well, more than two, but these are the only two that matter right now.) from both guys. I let each one go to voicemail. in fact it wasn't until about 5 minutes ago that i listened them. one needed a ride, the other, well, he was just saying hi.

why can't i be satisfied with friendships like these? why do i always want more? how do i fight the dissatisfaction with what God has for me now?