to find beauty

anxious

one... two... three... what the heck is bothering me?

I am worried about money.

And its payday.

I am worried about paying all my bills, paying off some debt I have (school loans, new lap top, new car, two credit cards)... I am worried about having gas money, lunch money, cat food money. I am worried I will never be able to afford to move out of my parent's house. I am worried I will always be stretched until the next payday, where I get to breathe for a moment, before I head into a new time of penny pinching and money juggling.

I am worried about my worrying over something I know - I KNOW - I shouldn't worry about. But I am. Oh, I am.

I should know better by now. I tried to talk to my parents about it, but that was a disaster. They have their own worries, and the last thing I want to do is cause them more stress. I don't want to be a burden, or any more of a burden than I already am.

Be responsible. Be responsible. Be responsible.

It was drilled into my head growing up. I feel like a failure.

How come this blog, which was created to find beauty around me, has served to show the ugliness I hide deep within?

It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok.

I will rely on the resources around me to get me through this dry season. I will housesit. I will babysit. I will brainstorm creative ways I can bring in or save money. I can do this.

What do I want? What makes me happy? What motivates me?

I am worried about money. I want to be able to pay my bills, to move out on my own, to be responsible. Someday I would like to finish my degree.

I have a great job. Why is this even a problem? What am I doing wrong? Isn't this supposed to get easier as you grow up?

I want to trust God.

It will be ok.

mommyhood

I want to be a mother.

Last week, the worship pastor's daughter came into the church office and I was in awe of her beautiful, pregnant belly and a glow around her that spoke of wonder, miracles and life. She let me touch her belly. It was soft and squishy. I was probably more than a bit jealous.

My sister, Sarah, is pregnant. She is due mid-January. Her and her husband, Will, are so excited. I am happy for them. I happy to be an Aunt. I am happy for the live she has chosen. A family.

A dear friend from high school is always on her way to mommyhood. Another friend is excited for the day she and her husband will join the ranks of proud parenthood. My closest friend, whom is getting married this September, has chosen not have children, content to live with her husband and be an aunt to her three nephews.

As a single, almost twenty-seven year old, still living with mom and dad, with a wonderful job and church secretary salary-- my hopes of being Mom, seem so slim with the needed requirement of a husband or atleast a home (if I want to be a foster mom). With PCOS, I am told getting pregnant, even in the best conditions is difficult, though not impossible.

I should not be worrying about this, I know. I do trust God with my future, and I shouldn't say but... but... its so hard. Its so hard to want a family, to have a home, to be a mom when the environment around you screams no, not yet, wait. I don't think I portray myself to be someone desperate or even anxious. I have joy in my life now. I just feel... ready.

Ready for a change.

I've been pondering all of this for awhile. Its hard not to with babies and children all over! I found some hope last night.

Before I worked for the church, I was a personal assisant/nanny for a family. They had two daughters (and later had a son) As a nanny, you make lunches, shuttle the kids around to and from school, you take them to birthday parties and soccer games. You help them clean their rooms, help them with homework, and my specialty, entertained them with crafts. You find yourself the odd one out at gymnastic practice with the other "real moms". You find yourself explaining "you're just the sitter" often. And the best part, and I say this with no sarcasm, you find yourself in love with these munchkins. You grow attached. But its a job. And you aren't their parent. So, you say goodbye, agree to babysit on occasion, and thats that.

I was asked to take the girls to a birthday party - a pool party - and it was awkward and fun and wonderful. It hit me when I was trying to make conversation with one of the moms while watching the kids in pool, that rather than gettin down about not being a mom... that the Lord was providing these special moments where I get to watch and take care of children and love them and be loved by them. Maybe its not what I want, but who knows what I want! I need to continue to put my trust in Him for what is best for me, and be content with the moments around me now were I get love His children.

dip cone juggling

So, today on my way home from work, I decided I needed a chocolate dip cone from McDonalds. I think they are delicious. So, I go through the drive-thru, and I am on my way home cone in hand. Unforunately, it was pretty warm outside and who ever dipped the cone failed to insert it far enough in the chocolate so there was no "chocolately" seal around the cone. It was a mad lick-fest avoiding ice cream dripping on my beautiful car. So, ok, I am driving home with a melty ice cream cone and my phone rings. I have to answer it. Its my boss Rachel with a question about work. So I am juggling the ice cream cone and the phone, racking my brain for an answer to the question my boss asked, and, of course, I make it to my house and have to turn left into the driveway, It was a rush. I am dropping my phone, eating chunks of chocolate (can't waste it), making the turn, and PHEW! I made it. It was pretty chaotic. But in retrospect, perhaps there is a lesson in all that...

1. no eating icecream in the car (unless you aren't the driver)
2. If your hands are busy, voicemail is okay if you phone rings.
3. The dip cones are delicious.

super freak

Tuesday I had my first physical therapy appointment for what will be sure to be an enjoyable journey into the land of stretching and proper posture.

What brought this on, I hear you ask.

There is a really annoying, painful spot to the right of my upper spine. It won't go away, (it appeared after my car accident last May) so now I am in physical therapy. Add to the fact, I do have terrible posture (I ignore "ergonimically correct" sitting postures like the plague) and I sit in front of a computer, oh, atleast 8-12 hours a day. Gee...maybe its not the most terrible idea for me to learning (even further) how to take care of myself. As was discussed in my small group on Monday night, we as Christians need to take care of our mind, body and soul. When one gets out of whack- the balance is off, and thats not good!

So, I meet Anne, my physical therapist, and proceeded to explain to her all my issues. (lucky her) She nods, laughs, etc at all the right places, so I am feeling confident that I do indeed need some help and that the pain isn't just in my head (back and neck).

She took one look at my neck and exclaimed, "oh yes, classic Dowager's Hump." Yes, for those who don't already know, I am a hunchback. Personally, I'd prefer to be Esmeralda.

I asked her what a Dowager's Hump was, and she said something about calcium build up. That is a way better than the explanation than the one I received from my primary care doctor who called it a "hormonal hump" and blamed it on me being a woman. Hmmm.

So, I learned some stretches, scheduled some more appointments, and I was feeling pretty good about my visit. That is, until I get home and googled "Dowager's Hump."

I click on the first option. I read:

Dowager's hump: An abnormal outward curvature of the vertebrae of upper back. Compression of the front (anterior) portion of the involved vertebrae leads to forward bending of the spine (kyphosis) and creates a hump at the upper back.

Dowager's hump is due to osteoporosis changes in the thoracic spine. It may affect men or women. Like most osteoporotic changes, it is often preventable.

Hmmmm. Osteoporisis?! Isn't that for old people?? (sorry if my ageism offends) Preventable??? What in the world?!

So, I continued to surf. I learn that is an abnormal curvature of the spine that is primarily manifested as a rounded hump in the upper back. Hmm, ok. And, that yes, it typically affects older women, the curvature is a result of collapse of the spinal column, caused by osteoporosis.

I am still confused. Why hasn't anyone told me this before? I learned some of my other options are: buffalo hump, Cushing's Disease, and Kyphosis... Maybe, just maybe, another option would that over the years from terrible posture, big boobs and belly weighing things out of proportion, and excessive time on the computer... I just ...created, made it. It could be a side effect of my bad choices and improper self care.

Anyways, so now, on top of my rough elbows, cracked heels, big boobs and belly and crooked teeth... I am adding "hunchback". Gee. I hope this helps me find a cute boy to be my date for all the weddings I am attending this summer and fall. Good thing I have a positive attitude about it all. Good thing Jesus loves me.

;)

i had a great thought, and...

...it has completely disappeared from my memory. I am pretty annoyed too, for not writing it down when I had it, because it was REALLY GOOD. It was like, an ephiany. Ugh. Maybe it will come back.

So far, this is a lame post. Sorry. I do have something brewing titled: "the word single." It needs some work. Normally I wouldn't care, and would post it and worry about ramifications later... but it doesn't feel right this time. The feeling is best described as "nervous." I don't like nervous. So, until that changes...

Today was a packed day. A great day. I helped with Baptisms at church, and am always in such awe when I see people make the decision to be baptized. What a blessing. I also had a Leader Huddle (meeting for all the small group leaders), service (x2), and then, Uprising tonight. I also gave out two pre-marital inventories today, and considered throwing a movie in the middle of the day, but instead, finished a book I was reading and took a nap.

Err. I wish I could remember my Great Thought.

a little girl named lisa

i don't know her family's story or if i will ever see her again, but this little girl named lisa, whom i was blessed to meet and play with as a childcare provider for Hispanic Family Camp at Winema this weekend, touched my heart.

i hadn't planned on attending the camp. unlike planning for a short-term mission trip, this was a one weekend adventure and didn't require the same "stuff". i didn't need to prayer and plan for months if i was supposed to go or how i was going to get there or if i could afford it. there wasn't any reason to. i was asked to go, i said yes because i could go, and now, looking back, i know was  meant to have gone and meet little children like lisa, to see the Long family serving the local hispanic churces, and to get out of my own comfort zone of my oh-so-safe "white bubble."

all the little-little children spoke Spanish only. i could get by with some Spanish vocab recollected from high school... but it was a challenge. We were the childcare providers, and a simple thing like speaking and communicating was being challenged. but we could still hug and soothe and play with sidewalk chalk and dance. 

lisa was a little girl, probably 2 or 3, who was dropped off in the nursery. at first, she was happy as a clam, playing on the slide and with the other kids. but once she realized her mom was not there, it was a tear fest. i held her, tried my best to soothe her with my words, which were gibberish to her and only made her cry stronger. it was hard. as a woman, naturally you want to nurture and calm... i felt helpless.

then Rachel pulled out the bubbles. There's something about bubbles and children that is truly magical. as soon as the bubbles were floating in the air the tears allieviated and the moist eyes of lisa (and two other criers) were enchanted.

for the rest of the morning, we played with sidewalk chalk, had uno-dos-trece races in our handmade racetrack, ate goldfish crackers and drank juice boxes, all the while, little lisa held my hand.

later than night, during evening session the big group was watching a movie. Little lisa kept looking over at me with her beautiful brown eyes, asking "can i sit on your lap?" I nodded her over, and she made herself at comfortable. Having her in my arms, was Home.

i want to go to this church group!

When I was at the Fellowship One Conference in Dallas a couple weeks ago, I "networked" a bit, and met some neat women who work in small groups ministries at a church in Illinois called Heartland. I just checked out their website, but rather than investigating small groups (which I promise I will do later)... I headed down the "call of my heart" direction... the weird age group of after high school to "adulthood"... I loved how this chruch met the needs of this demographic! I feel inspired! (it reminds me of advanced uprising) Check it out: heartland:pm.