to find beauty

of all the boys I loved

I remember my first crush on a very fine man... a man who everyday like clockwork serenaded me as he changed his shoes and zipped up his cardigan sweater. Because of him, I learned how crayons were made, how to make blocks out of milk cartons, and learned of the Land of Make Believe. Mr. Rogers was all that and more for me.

And then there was Richard. Cute boy in my first grade class. He was in my Dad's group when our class when on a field trip to the zoo. He told my dad he had "crispy hands." Richard's finest quality in my mind was his speech impediment. He had issues with the letter "R" and I loved listening to him as he shared at Show and Tell. It took him about a minute to get out his name. "RRRRRRRRichaRRRRRd." I loved it. I wonder if my own visits to Mr. Reed the school speech pathologist were due to unconscious attempts on my part to speak with the same sexy stutter. Probably not. He also wore an acid wash jacket with fleece lining that I found very nice.

I should also note now that my second grade crush (and the boy whom gave me my first kiss in sixth grade during a round of Spin the Bottle in my best friend's basement) was a boy named Ryan who ate glue and I witnessed leaving more than one booger under his desk. The glue though. Wow. The way it got all over his matching sweatshirt and sweat pants before consumption. Be still my beating heart.

I would like to say the qualities that causes my heart to go pitter-patter now have improved greatly since the days of elementary school when all a boy had to do to get my attention was flip his shoe in the air while singing of the neighborhood's beauty or smear some Elmer's on his pants. And I do believe they have matured to an extent which probably comes more from the practicality of getting older and realizing boogers under the furniture is so not cool.

One of the last boys (I suppose they want to be called MEN now) to trigger some serious heart twitters in me asked me what kind of guy I was attracted to... in my bold and very cori-like way, I responded by writing the reasons I was attracted to him. Now, of course, I am wondering if I should have added an adendum that read "guys I find attractive are guys that know what they want. (And what they want, of course, is a beautiful friendship with me. That is, if thats what I want too. Haha.)

Anyways, as I reminice over the boys I have loved in my child-like innocence and the latest string of men who have left my heart disappointed... I wonder if I will ever meet someone who will make Mr. Rogers and Richard and Ryan pale in comparison to their awesomeness.

Or maybe I have already.

trying to hit pause

a little over a year ago, my church did a four-part series called "Pause"... and I have been thinking about it (and the its main points) a lot lately.

The promo text for the series read:

Sometimes life gets moving so fast that we don't take the time to evaluate our priorities. The four-part message series Pause will take us through the process of realigning our priorities, restoring our spiritual passion, reconnecting with key relationships, and remembering the needs of others.

One of the pieces from this series that I remember the most though, is the image (video) they used to promote the series. I will see if I can get access to it. :) I loved how the lights showed how busy and fast life got... How if we aren't careful life will pass us by in a big blur.

After the series ended, one of the large posters with the Pause image was placed on a wall at the top of the stairs on the way up to the office. I loved that poster. I loved its location. It reminded me every morning on my up to go to work to pause. It reminded me during the day when I ran up and down the stairs working on projects or setting up rooms, to pause. Honestly, I wish they hadn't taken the sign down, because I think it was a good reminder for us all to not get so swept up in the busyness of a large church but to appreciate all the things that make it work. And now the wall is empty, and not inspiring at all. Blah.

I don't have the right thoughts yet to process "the pause" I feel I need right now. As I told some friends I serve at church with, I am in a prayer and planning mode. I need to realign my priorities... though, that in of itself is hard. It means changes. It means sacrifice. It means braving something new and different. It means actually pausing too. Ugh.

I know I am tired. Tired of getting migraines, tired of feeling resposible, and then tired of feeling bad for feeling responsible, tired of worryng about money, tired of being tired. I need to pause.

I could go on more, but its midnight, and I am trying to go to bed earlier. I also have to be at work by 8am.

But yeah. Will be thinking on that...

Part Two: After Uprising - Go in Peace

Pastor Randy began our summer series "Life of Christ" last Saturday (yesterday) at Uprising by talking about Jesus as the Life Giver. He re-introduced us all to the sinful woman (Luke 7:36-50) who 'went to where Jesus was' (at the home of the Pharisee man) and washed his feet with perfume oil, her tears and her hair.

Her hair.

"Why is this significant?" He asked us. "What does this say about her hair?"  Someone suggested it meant her hair was really, really long. (I admit, thats what I was thinking too.) Randy began to explain that by using her hair (yes, long, undoubtedly beautiful hair), she was sacrificing her "glory" and giving of herself to her bridegroom. In Jesus' day, a woman's hair was not often see by others like it is now, but rather it was tied back and hidden. It was her private glory. Only in the privacy of one's own quarters were a woman's long locks displayed... and for her husband only. (Certainly explains a little of why Dad always said guys liked long hair, haha!)

The sinful woman's hair was a sign of her glory. Randy added that the perfumed oil she used to wash Jesus feet, although costly, probably wasn't a great sacrifice to her. She probably had plenty of money (hello, look at her profession!)... But her hair was hers, and hers alone... her private beauty. Her treasure.

(This makes me think of the movie Pretty Woman, and how Vivian (Julia Roberts) wouldn't kiss her clients or even Edward (Richard Gere) (except she eventually does. of course). Kisses were special and reserved for her. They were her "glory." Okay, an interesting cultural analogy, I admit!)

Now, the question Randy asked:

What is your glory? What "something" in your life do you hold dear, hold precious and special? What gift do you have to share with Jesus? What is "that something" God may ask of you to sacrifice for Him, your bridegroom?

Maybe for some of you, it's your time. In my young women's small group, we are reading the book Completely His by Shannon Ethridge, and in the chapter we are discussing Monday night: "Becoming Fluent in the Language of Love," Ethridge suggests "seven secrets to bask in God's presence." All of the secrets are fantastic, but I want to share just one of them with you now. Her second secret was to "establish a certain place where you will have regular devotional times with the Lord. Whether it's in the living room, backyard, or your closet floor, make it your special place to rendezvous with Jesus. As your inevitably wrestle with the 'Am I going to have a devotional time today?' question, envision Jesus sitting in that regular spot, awaiting your arrival. Remember He gets as much out of your time together as you do, don't keep Him waiting there too long before you join Him in sweet fellowship (pg90-91)."

Go to where God is. The sinful woman did and her worship and humility towards Jesus led to Him saying to her, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."

Go in peace. *chuckle* If you haven't already read Part One: After Uprising - Road Rage, then read it now.

Kinda ironic that "going in peace" was exactly what I was NOT doing. And look how that made me feel and act.

Part One: After Uprising - Road Rage

I left Uprising tonight feeling pretty good (after lots of lovely conversations and great worship), and I got into my car to drive to Hillsboro to help a close, dear friend babysit her newborn nephew and prepare for an Open House the next day. Without thinking, I merged onto I-84 east (I was coming from the Parkrose area) and was on my merry way.

Then it came: a big, green Expedition with a bad attitude barreling behind me.

I was going at least 65mph. Speeding. I was in the fast lane because until the appearance of the road monster there were four cars total on the freeway in my proximity. And they were all in the middle lane. I couldn't get over because of the other cars... so I was stuck. With an oversized SUV on my butt.  And I was mad.

I was already speeding. I wasn't going to go any faster. And who says this ginormous SUV can bully its way down the freeway? I was po'd. I maintained my speed and the SUV driver was getting ticked too. He got closer to my car (Hello! I drive a little Kia. He could squish me.) I honestly felt scared of the guy. I felt small and threatened.

I also realized about now that I did in fact need to exit off so I could, um, go west towards Hillsboro.

So, I found a break in the middle lane and moved over... and then I did it: something in my twenty-seven and ten months living on this planet (about ten years of them driving), something if my dear Grandma Mitchell saw me do from Heaven, I'd be ashamed: I flipped the guy off. Showed him the bird. The one-finger salute.

And wow! the adrenaline rush -- whoo-wee!!-  in doing something so bad! I got off the freeway, and stopped for a bit to collect my thoughts (and decompress). I texted my friend (whom I was going to see) to tell her what I had done and where I was. She was shocked by my road rage. Said something about maybe her having an affect on me.

I got back on the freeway, and continued to get more and more frustrated and upset with driving. I was taking a different "route" which had me go through west side of Portland and use freeways and exits I am just not as familiar with... It occurred to me in my frustration and anger that when we don't know how to get where we want to go and we try to follow what we think we know... it’s a little scary.

I also found it ironic that Jamil, the worship leader for Uprising called me during all my driving drama. He asked how I was, and I responded quickly: “in serious road rage mode.”  I told him it was crazy because only an hour before I was singing worship songs with my friends. How's that for depressing? That I can go from mountaintop worship high to road wage warrior in less than an hour?

As soon as I got to my friends house (where of course I couldn’t find decent parking!)… I was happy, so happy, to not be driving anymore that night: to be off the freeway and away from massive SUV’s!

Am I proud of how I responded… of course not. To what glory does my public display of anger and my own annoyances bring to God? None. None at all.

 

productivity at its most random

Apparently, writing random posts in the Weston Kia waiting room is a habit of mine. Atleast every 3000 miles or so. Add the beauty of free wi-fi and me remembering to pack my laptop equals the entertainment and scene of me nerdily typing amongst large poster diagrams of engines and cooling systems.

Thrilling.

I was just warned that my 60k check up is due soon. According the Drive Belts poster, the timing belt, which is what is known in Kia's to die out after said miles, is a pretty integral part of the running of my car. No  wonder it costs so much to replace. Haha. Exciting.Good thing I am just here for an oil change and for my windshield wipers to be checked out. Oh. I asked the guy to check the wipers. He looked at me like I was an idiot for wanting my wipers checked. I explained I wasn't very impressed with them with all the rain lately. I drive in the car every day, do you doubt my crediblity that my wipers may need checked? Sometimes I feel like an idiot trying to get car things done.

After this exciting stop... I am not sure what I am going to do. My next planned event isn't until 9pm when I am meeting up with some friends at the Montage. I have been craving fancy macaroni and cheese. Yum. I've already done all my boring errands (gas station, bank). Maybe I will go to verizon and get my cell phone software updated. They told me I needed it done and its projected to take 45 min. I could walk over to Old Navy and Borders for some light shopping while I wait.

I never said my Kia Waiting Room posts were going to very exciting. Rather, its a snapshot of the not-so-exciting part of my life: when I feel productive and can check off important yet ridiculous tasks off my to-do list.

I do also have my latest good book with me: The Eleven by Leonard Sweet. And. I. Love. It. I need someone else to read it too so I can have someone to discuss the end-of-chapter questions with! For example, some of the questions from Chapter two included:

1. Do you think you take yourself too seriously? Do you think you take God seriously enough? Why or why not?

2. Listen to yourself talk sometime. How ego-centered is your conversation? [this question was quite convicting. ugh.]

3. Is this a good rule of thumb? Never assume that other people are interested in your problems.

4. Do you think God's presence can be found and felt as much in the valleys as in the mountains, or is this just a pious pablum? Do you have stories to back up whichever way you argue?

5. If someone where to ask you, "What is the greatest honor you can pay to someone?" what would the candidates be? What would be greatest honor someone could pay to you? ... How about these words: "I trust you"? Or would "I love you" be a higher honor?

Some good thinking and discussion questions. He gives like a dozen or more like that after each chapter. Maybe I need to challenge myself to answer these questions on my blog. Force myself to get a little intellectual and thoughtful beyond the everyday bubble I live in so well.

To end this very random post, I will leave you with some pictures taken last night while babysitting for the Jansen Kiddos. Its displays just one of the lovely tasks a babysitter must be prepared for... eeeks.

And there's Sammy. Relaxing after a productive day of napping and mouse killing.

Well, my car is ready. Woo-hoo. On to my next exciting errand.

Happy 2nd Anniversary Will and Sarah!

Two years ago today, my little sister got married! Here's a lovely picture of her and Will mid-kiss on the big day!