to find beauty

a game i play

There is a game I like to play when I am helping behind the event registration counter at my church. It's a simple game, probably just an "advanced" form of people watching. I watch the sea of faces before me in the lobby, occassionally catching eye contact and receiving smiles, little waves, and sometimes the need to run out to get or give a hug. But mostly I watch people, and I ask myself these questions: what's their name, how do I know of them, what ministries do they serve in at church. What's their story? And scarily, I can answer the questions for a lot of them... not everyone, that'd be too hard to maintain... but a lot of them. I wonder if "good memory" could be my super power?

This afternoon, I was behind the counter answering questions about lifegroups... I had the last shift and it was pretty slow-going. I was really tired, and didn't feel super chatty (consequences of a highly relational day before). I had plenty of time to people watch, and that was okay to me! And as I did, I noticed people talking and laughing, hugs and smiles, the young and the old mixing toether in happy banter... Conversations about family, relationships, hopes and dreams, lunch plans. I saw a church that loved each other.

And I played my game. I listed their names in my head and I was reminded of memories of serving in different areas as the church. Random events with the youth group, where I met amazing kids who love Jesus and worship with their whole heart-- and now, I see them as young adults, poised and ready to be a part of the a life bigger than they can even begin to imagine for themselves. I hope for them, who they will be and what they will do with their lives.

Then, I spy the volunteers who give countless hours to help make the church safe, run smoothly, or to just love on others.  Some rush busily across the lobby, others joke casually with each other. They look so happy. I remember conversations I've shared with some them, where I learned a little bit more about myself and who God is through their heart to serve.

I step back and view the clusters of people connected by a big church and a bigger God and I was humbled that I get to be a part of it. On this Father's Day, I see Him in the faces in the lobby-- and I am thankful.

Psalm 27

I was reading through Psalms the other day, and I landed on this one... I thought I'd share:

Psalm 27
An Exuberant Declaration of Faith

A Psalm of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
They stumbled and fell.

Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war may rise against me,
In this I will be confident.

One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple.

For in the time of trouble
He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.

And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me;
Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”

Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.

When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the Lord will take care of me.

Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.

Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries;
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord

My initial thoughts:
Some people I love dearly are going through a difficult time right now and my heart goes out to them... How do we encourage those who face really scary stuff? We pray, we turn to God for direction, the right words/actions. I love the reminder that we shall not have fear and we shall place all our confidence in God and He will take care of us. He gives us strength, no matter the enemy. He is bigger! He will fight for us. And we shall respond in joy! Joy! When we want to cry or punch the wall, we are told to look for the goodness of the Lord. And through it all, we shall wait on Him- which is really, really hard but what we need to do, the only thing that will get us through and our hearts will be made stronger for it.

Up next: (and it feels really random to write) shop for jazzercise shoes (Where do you get these? I have no clue.)

brief (but pictoral) recap of a trip to walla walla

Awhile back (this past Spring), I took a mini break to the college town of Walla Walla to visit my friend from college/church-during-college (her name is Audrey) in her big-and-old-and-cool farmhouse. (I love the big willow tree!)

From the minute I left town... with newly purchased tunes (including jason mraz because I needed that best friends who fall in love song) and a bag of peach rings and pb m&ms... I was open and excited for a weekend to connect with my friend!

I also adore road trips: listening to music really, really loud with the windows down, or turning the music off completely and just thinking and praying and dreaming. That is if I am alone. If I have friends with me... well, music and thinking are good too, but seldom is it a quiet car when there are things (relationships) to chat about!

On this trip, I was amazed at how beautiful the scenery was... I had to sneak some pics!

If I were to pick a subject for a photo book, I'd probably pick trees.

And I make it to Walla Walla! Okay, technically she lives in Milton-Freewater.

We talked a ton. You know those people you are friends with but never really went beyond the surface with but you really wanted to? And when you do, you want to kick yourself for taking so long? Yeah. My friend Audrey.

So, we got dressed up and went out to this super cool dessert and wine house where we sipped wine and listened to this guy play his guitar and sing folksy songs. The decor in this place was awesome (lots of pictures of trees) and if I could, I'd go every Friday night.

Here we are (check out the place in the background!):

Okay, here we are up-close:

We took a mini-hike (not really a hike) up a hill with a nice view of the valley. When we got to the top, we took a million pictures but we also yelled really, really loud... oh it felt good.

Run Audrey! Now, seriously: if you got to run everyday looking at sky and green fields like that wouldn't you consider taking up running?

And here we are. We kept making weird faces (okay, I kept making weird faces) when we tried to take pictures of the two of us, so I have a lot of interesting pictures that will never be published online. This was my favorite:

  

And then, after a weekend of lots of conversation... I headed home... with a new/old friend. yay!

Up next: dinner!

fake mansion living + finished the divorce party

I am living in mansion. (really. but its not my mansion, of course.)

And I am all alone in this big, beautiful house except for a cat and two hamsters. I love it. Maybe I am introverted. Maybe the reason I have felt like a crazy woman these last couple weeks months is because I haven't had time to breathe. Alone. Maybe. (I think there is more to it. But nothing that an amazing summer can't cure.)

I am also purposely not turning the television on. So, its quiet and I can think and focus and am not tied down to the couch for half hour or one hour increments. I did miss Army Wives summer premiere. (I will survive.)

For about another week, I get to recline on their deck, cook in their incredible kitchen (okay, so the most I have done is pour a bowl of cereal so far) and read one of my many books cuddled in one of the many comfy chairs in the house. 

I finished The Divorce Party last night. Was up until 4am reading it. And I have to say, it was the page turner Kim Iverson from the Buzz 105.1 mentioned last week on her radio show. (Yes, I went out and bought after she raved* about it!) It was really sad- of course, divorce is sad. I am not sure what I think about the idea of having a "Divorce Party." I don't know if it offers closure or if just puts a pretty bow on something sad and lost. I, of course, have never been married, and divorce has only been felt from the pains of friends and family members. So, what do I know? It was just sad. 

Amazon has this review listed (and I feel too lazy to write something similar myself):

Laura Dave is widely recognized as an up-and-coming talent in women’s fiction. Now, with her characteristic wit and warmth, she captures a much-discussed cultural phenomenon that has never been profiled in fiction before—divorce celebrations. Set in Hamptons high society, The Divorce Party features two women—one newly engaged and one at the end of her marriage—trying to answer the same question: when should you fight to save a relationship, and when should you let go?

An insightful and funny multi-generational story, this deeply moving novel is sure to touch anyone whose heart has weathered an unexpected storm.

On a happier note: if "Huntington Hall" actually existed (where the most of the book took place), I'd really like to visit the old Victorian home in Mantauk overlooking the Atlantic Ocean... I would swing on the big swing and look out over the cliff and dream about my future too. It seems like a lovely thing to do.

*raved might be the wrong word. She was greatly upset over the book and how some of the storylines ended. I don't blame her.

Up next: sleep.

welcome to the summer (woo-hoo!)

Well, I've been meaning to tweak the appearance of my blog... and so I have. Not sure if I am done yet. One is never done tweaking, methinks.

Wow. I am looking forward to this summer and getting back to what I love: spending time with friends, reading lots of good books (and probably some bad ones too), and writing on this ever-changing blog about all my crazy adventures and the things God is teaching me about who I am and how to navigate this bizarre, sad and busy world. [yes, I realize that was a terrible run-on sentence.]

This summer will be awesome. I just know it.

On to business: I've included a link to my summer reading list. It's my hope to practice my critical writing skills and share what I've learned/am learning reading these books... some of them less scholarly than others. Of course, I might add some new ones and I might toss some of the ones I've listed across the room if they annoy me too much. I am always accepting recommendations.

Also, check out the new Navigation bar on the top. I've included a link to the cool church women blog which is an open blog for women who love Jesus --if you attend Abundant Life Church that's even better (and probably should be required)-- to share stories of how God is working in their lives. If you are interested in being a guest writer, just let me know. I have big hopes for this blog to be a place for women to be voice of encouragement to other women. We'll see! 

I also added a link to my pal @jasonbraaten's webcomic page. He is funny, smart and talented (and apparently an awesome BBQ'er but this has yet to be proven) so if you like be to amused you should support his new venture too. He updates the site every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and if you leave him comments (esp good ones) he will really like you. And don't we all like to be liked?

Well, I do.

And actually, I enjoy his commentary just as much as the comic- go figure when you have a former English teacher (he may be proofreading this blog right now... eeks) with a passion for politics and current events. Even if he didn't know who Spencer Pratt was... hmm. Because this is vital info for you to know... hmmm... no.

up next for me: finish reading the The Divorce Party. And then: sleep.

hunting for home-sweet-home

I am a hunter. Minus the head-to-toe camo and the newest animal tracking gadgetry, of course. Because I am not on the prowl for a new wall trophy or jerky ingredients (yum).

And no, my prey is not a boyfriend/husband either. Though it may be next on the hit list.

No, I am hunting for a new place to call my own. It's on my task list to do when I am 28. I have about three months left. I've looked at one place in real life... checked out hundreds online. I have determined some "must haves" and some "would like to haves" -- my biggest concern being how my cat, Elwood, would fare. I have determined two okay locations: Clackamas or certain parts of Gresham (though I am picky: Rockwood area is totally out.)

I've looked at apartment layouts, my budget, I've inventoried items I already have and will need... I've dreamed and schemed. I've considered that the packing process will be enormously annoying and a lot of work. I am praying for my new neighbors, and the new friendships I will be making.

And I hunt. And as I hunt, I am reminded by a friend that this is "a big deal." The step out of my parent's home into the big, bad world. Yes, I am 28 and yes, I have lived out of my parents home during college. But this is big.

I talk to my parents about it, fully expecting dad to throw a party. But they both appeared sad at the idea of me not being around. Which feels good. Dad makes a crack about how I will need to move back soon to take care of them anyways... so why leave. (He's not that old! And hello, give me some time to have my own family before I become a live-in caretaker!)

Mom is sad. She says, "but we will never see you again." Mom, I am not dying. I will be living less than 20 minutes away. I will be over all the time, especially if I don't have onsite laundry. I explain that I need to stretch my legs, be an adult, see if I can do it. She nods and says she felt the same way when she was *cough* 22.

And honestly, I don't really want to leave. I like my parent's house. I like having a yard, good cable and wireless internet. I like visiting with my parents. I like watching Soapnet with mom at 1am and hogging all the hot water before Dad takes a shower... hehe. I like knowing Elwood can prowl around the field next door for his furry victims. Okay, I don't like knowing the details, but I like that he likes to be a big, brave man-cat playing the field. I like the six minute commute to work. I like most of my neighbors.

So, as I hunt for a new home-sweet-home, I go forward with excitement but also some sadness for what I will be leaving. It feels scary and weird and I wonder if I can do it. And I can. I will!

Stay tuned.

butcher paper study

Every Monday night, I willingly set the DVR to record One Tree Hill, so I can meet with the amazing women that make up my lifegroup (led not by me but the other Kori... haha). Actually, its not a sacrifice at all. The dramas of the cast of Tree Hill can wait. (Aren't you glad I have my priorities set straight?)

Some small groups need a pre-packaged DVD or a fancy bible study-- not us. We just need some colorful pens, butcher paper, and our leader's open heart to listen to the Holy Spirit and bring us through a 4-week journey of intentional prayer, personal reflection, transperancy, and ultimately surrender to God's Will for our lives as we learn what it means for us... who we were and who we are now.

God is the center of everything, so that's where we started. With our colorful pens, we wrote God, big and bold, in the center of our papers. We brainstormed characteristics of God, places and times where we felt closest to God (the beach was a popular location...), and other thoughts about our relationship with God. We shared our multi-colored lists outloud with each other before we exchanged our papers with another. Yes, we didn't even get to keep our own lists! We each took home someone else's God-papers to be prayed for them intentionally over the next week... The focus was not on ourselves but on each other.

The next week, we met again. More blank paper. More fun pens. My kind of study! This time we wrote our own names in the center of the paper. And we brainstormed traits about who we are... beyond the superficial... the good, the bad and the ugly. We listed the people in our lives who helped shaped us. Again: the good and the bad. We listed our priorities... how we spend our time... and we were honest. We read the Pslams together, including my personal favorite Psalms 139. Songs of the heart to God. We wrote our own Psalm to God. We shared outloud our lists, and read our Psalms to each other, revealing so much more about ourselves and our hearts than we've ever done before. We felt bare and vulnerable. We exchanged our papers to a new person, this time it was little harder to let go of... and we committed ourselves to pray intentionally over them for the next week...

The third week, the papers and pens came out again. This time, we wrote a timeline of our lives. We all started when we were born and ended to the current moment. We made different lines to indicate times where things were shakier or more confusing. We indicated landmarks in our lives: accepting Christ, baptisms, graduations, boyfriends, depressions, jobs, friends... We wrote our lives-- our personal histories-- on the papers. We then shared our timelines with each other... it was like hearing how God shaped each one of us to who we are... the passions, the quirks, the fears, the joys.

Tonight, we concluded our "butcher paper study" by writing in the center of our big, blank white papers: "God's Will for *insert name* is to be sanctified." That's it. That's God's will for us. To be sanctified.

To be sanctified means to be set apart for God for a special use or purpose. Its a process. A process doesn't happen overnight. It means to be made holy.

Holy is the Lord, and we strive to be like Christ.

We talked about how do we do this... how do we apply the "Sancification Test" to our lives... recognizing we aren't perfect and we ALL will fall short. We talked about how there is grace when you are living God's Will. We talked about forgiveness and being sensitive to the Holy Spirit. We talked about our dreams. We shared with each other things in our lives that were creating fear and anxiety... agreeing wholeheartedly that fear is not from God and we prayed for each other. This time we got to bring our own paper home.

And, I sit here now, my bedroom walls covered with the very colorful thoughts, prayers, lives of my dear sisters in Christ. And I love them. And I love God for bringing them into my life.

And tonight we concluded our study just as One Tree Hill aired its season finale... and both were amazing. (Okay, I am totally kidding here. Small group trumps tv a million-billion-trillion times over.)

A Ramble

 

Blog co-author: fail 

 

It is not as though I don't want to invite the entire world in on my most intimate thought processes. It is just that I am so involved in having them, and doing them, that often I fail to write them down.  I also lack the words to describe so much of what is going on in my life. I can't begin to convey the intense excitement that burns within me when I contemplate my life and the future. When I talk about it there seems to be a disproportionate amount of eye rolling.

 

Four years ago I wrote a letter to my 17 year old self. If I were to rewrite that letter today it would be completely different. It would be more along the lines of: obviously you are going to mess-up, but the majority of the things that happen in this world are not your fault or responsibility.  Take what comes and roll with it because inside of you is me. You have an amazing potential for joy and wonder!

 

I think my 17 year old self would have cringed at that advice and crawled back into her self defeating, self destructive reality of her own creation.  Crying in fear that to see the sunlight she might get a sunburn in the processes. As afraid of success as of failure, never standing and making a decision, living a life that's choices were defined by default. Not living, just breathing.

 

Life is a bit different now, walk with me and we will talk.